Endings

12 th November 

It has been a " normal" week although I haven't achieved very much. I am still pretty tired in a low key way. Had dinner with Jane and reminiscing about Mum brought up unfinished business for her over her own mother's passing.  I had the same effect with LeeLin who has a lot of bitterness and unresolved grief over her husbands manner of passing. I feel like I am an instrument of the universe in releasing these built up feelings somehow.

Kim and David and I took the train up to Ballarat to see the 2016 Archibald exhibition. This is a national portrait competition and always interesting. The winner was a portrait of Deng a Sudanese refugee who has become a lawyer here in Australia. It is a realistic style and so powerful and precise it looks almost like a photograph but more alive. Exceptional.

I also went with Roger, my brother in law, to see the Tony Matecevski  exhibition at Bendigo last Sunday. His two friends Chris and Rodney drove us and it was also an  exceptional day. Fabulous, creative clothes. This designer was the creator of Clare's wedding dress. Elegant but interesting garments.  Well,perhaps I did accomplish a fair bit this week after all?! I managed to fit in lots of Ziggy time as well. 

I was hoping to set up a meeting with Rob too but he wasn't that interested and that brought up the issue of how deep do you go with someone. I have grown fond of him and thought it would be nice to spend a bit more time together. Most of our dates have been to the movies or gallery and dinner.  I have had a couple of short visits to his place.  I wasn't always completely at ease with him, which I put down to us being in a learning to get to know you phase. He has been happy to introduce me to his friends but seemed reluctant to meet mine. We had a discussion about our friendship,  the outcome of which I probably expected. He only wants superficial and I want and need something a bit deeper. We are still friends and he will keep in touch but there is no future there.  I enjoyed his difference and honesty and he was a kind and generous companion but his emotions are so guarded and he is basically content with his life as it is. He had always said he didn't want to be special in any ones life. I gave it a shot but after three months with Mum I had hoped for a warmer welcome home. If I learned nothing else from Mum it is that love is essential to life. It didn't happen so move on. There is a new year around the corner and new opportunities.

MT Buller

Mt Buller

Oh! My stiff legs! We finally conquered the Kingsporn track down the mountain. The track had several large trees across it and was very rough and steeply descending.  We had the usual confusion about finding the beginning of the track and ended up having to walk up a steep ski slope before walking down (!) the next one across. My legs are feeling the excursion today. Janine and I were up for dinner and she had had a fall so was feeling a bit stiffer and scorer but the moving in the kitchen was a good wind down. We cooked a roast lamb and vegetables and I added an instant butterscotch mousse. It was a great success and we all ate heartily. The wind got up last night and at 4am I woke to incessant howling and trees thrashing. Walking looked a bit bleak but nonetheless we set off to Little Mt Buller today and had wind, rain , clouds  and later hail. More uphill steep ski run walking but an invigorating day. I feel quite weary and was really hungry so polished off soup, lamb and verges, a sandwich that Janine hadn't eaten the day before and two pieces of fruit cake!  Now I am stiffening up beside the fire!

30 th October back at home for a minute.

It was an interesting flight home because I met a young woman Diana, originally from Colombia who has settled in Australia and we got chatting. we really made a connection and she later found me on Facebook and sent a message about meeting up. I decided I'd meet her for coffee sometime. She had been a student at Box Hill.

Returning home was lovely because the boys were so glad to see me and I went straight into Ziggy time on Wednesday. He is growing up so fast. We had a visit to the Trampoline place and Coles to do some shopping. He was able to have his own little trolley which he loved. I was amused at how assertive he was about what went in his trolley! Later we visited Jane D  and it was so nice to see her. She sent us home with lots of roses for Clare.

Then it was Thursday and preparing for the trip to Mt Buller. I feel a bit disorganised for hiking but I am looking forward to the mountain and catching up with friends. 

Difficulties with writing on this blog haven't stopped. It is frustrating. It is hard to correct mistakes so excuse the spelling errors!

Leaving

Today we really did finish the clearing out of Mum's unit. I have been feeling more emotional as the unit became emptier. It is as if we are obliterating Mum from the world. I felt this when I shifted from my home to the apartment after Peter died. Mum packed quite literally,  a whole life into that place. Seeing the empty hooks on the walls, the cleared rooms, an air of abandonment comes over a place when it is emptied and before it is cleaned which made me feel sad. It is the end. I know memories last forever and people live in your heart but the tangible evidence of their existence has disappeared. 

Practically speaking Mum lives on in all the pieces of China and paintings we have given to friends and family! There was a lot so their is evidence.

Tomorrow I return to Melbourne and my former life. I am excited and sad all rolled into one. Living up here for three months has allowed me to reconnect with my siblings in a richer way and develop closer bonds also with my cousin and my sister- in-law. It has given me a chance to spend time with my husband's family too. It has been a wonderful experience and I will miss the closeness. Sometimes in the past  I have felt when I am in Melbourne, not only distant physically but emotionally from my siblings so this time has been very rewarding and nurturing for me too. Rex who licks my ears and sits at my feet. I will miss the doggy enthusiasm and welcomes.

Childhood memories

I 23 rd October 

Yesterday I thought it would be a quick day at Mum's but although we finished about 3:30 because we were plain stuffed we had worked for nearly the whole day again( 7 hours) just clearing and then wrapping paintings. This has been a mammoth task. Peter and I have worked solidly for two weeks with help from Tim and Jan and Scott and Heidi when they were able. Today though we went to Yangan our childhood home 21 kms south of Warwick. Our parents had the general store and both Peter and I  started school there. 

There isn't much of a town really but our old store is still operating as is the post office, the pub and the school of arts. The school has grown from a two roomer to a multi building enterprise although still modest. Peter remembered a lot more than I did because he was 9 when we left and I was only 5. I had forgotten how beautiful the country was and the soil was so black and rich. 

We had been motivated by a heavy horse field day being run for charity.  It was about showcasing clydesdales and bullocks and how they were used on farms to pull or drive farm machinery. It was very interesting and there was a huge turnout so I am sure they made a good profit.

We then drove through Killarney a very pretty town with a rich history of timber milling , dairying, crop farming and even mining and home through Boonah and Beaudesert. The closer we got to Beenleigh the greater the housing development.  It is shocking to see these developments without road or rail infrastructure to support the residents.

Clearing continues

16 th October Sunday back at the unit. 

Another day of clearing and we decided to allocate and wrap porcelain for everyone so that the whole family can get a little bit of Edna and I will print out her artistic CV so that they all understand what they have and how accomplished she was.

It was an exhausting task helped along by Scott and Heidi who just wrapped and wrapped all day. It was a mammoth task and still we have China. Mum also had collectables that we were all given pieces in her will as well as others we think we will put on EBay to sell as we can't keep it all. We have boxes each and an EBay box as well. My stuff has flowed into more than one and I haven't packed the art books yet!

There is progress but gosh it is overwhelming at times.

The funeral

The funeral was actually a true celebration of Mum's life. There were a few tears but also laughs and smiles. Mum'e eulogy was fairly short and modest and I regret that I didn't speak but three others did, and really every one who attended knew Mum and loved her so they didn't need to be told how great she was.

Jamie, my brother's step-grandson,spoke beautifully and lovingly about Mum and we were all so proud. Her actual grandsons were too emotional to speak.  I wasn't gutted to be saying goodbye I suppose because it is a relief for her and I have said all I need to over the last few weeks. It was so lovely to have my friends and family from interstate there too. The gravesite ceremony was quick but also rather beautiful and then the wake back at the hall was a flurry of greeting people and happy anecdotes followed by farewells as people headed back interstate or home. I was so glad to see my sons and daughter-in-law. It brought home to me how much I have missed them and also how they are the future and I am the matriarch now. We went home with a crate of leftover sandwiches which we devoured because we were too busy to eat and then collapsed. I was so tired I had a nap. 

The following day we went down to my nephew Scott's place at the Gold Coast for a BBQ and catch-up. It was a nice respite from the cleaning up. Sunday I went with Peter to church. I always went with Mum and just felt I wanted to go again while I was here. Peter never goes but when I asked him he agreed to come with me and he seemed to enjoy it. I think he will go occasionally now because the minister is a great character and very practical as well as godly. 

Preparation

14 th October

Today is Mum's funeral

This has been a tumultuous week. Arranging Mum's funeral wasn't too difficult because she had done most of the planning right down to the Eulogy! We selected the coffin and flowers with the undertaker and confirmed with the minister the order of service. I combed the unit for photos of Mum over the years and was quite frustrated not knowing were to look. The following day when we started to clean out the unit we found photos everywhere! 

Mum had every nook and cranny crammed with things, clothes, shoes, photos, magazines, books etc. it has been a journey down memory lane for us all. It was so lovely finding photos of the young Edna and Alex.  It is very clear that Mum had remained beautiful all her life,  her youthful attitude, kindness and happy nature were reflected in her face as she grew older. 

This experience is also a lesson in decluttering especially clothes. Mum had never thrown much out that is for sure. I found a dress she had worn in a photo twenty years ago and there was more than one!

Continuing

12 th October

Sunday I just rested at home. I had wanted to go shopping for an outfit for the funeral but I just didn't have the energy and we were all on edge because Val, Mum's baby sister, was also starting her final journey.Tracey was upset and unsure about going down to Melbourne even though her mother no longer talks or recognises her. Alzheimer's is one of the cruellest. At least Mum had some say over her situation. Valerie seems to be subject to many others.

Monday I returned to the hospital to give the staff some chocolates and a thank you card. Then It was drive to Beenleigh and Mums unit. 

It felt strange leaving John and Tracey. We have really bonded and I felt it was my turn to nurture. Val seemed to be hovering close to death and it seemed imminent. Tracey agonised over whether she should go down to Victoria or not. In the end she chose not to and Val has proved to be a text book case of end of life dementia. A patient slips into a coma and the brain stem alone remains functioning and the body fills with toxins until it shuts down. This process can take days. Valfinally passed away on Thursday at lunch time. Perhaps mum did finally take her to heaven.

10thOct

Edna Irene Holmes née Deppeler 22/2/1924-8/10/2016 

Edna was born in Yinnar South Victoria, the fifth child to Albert and May Deppeler and grew up on the dairy farm Lucerne.  Edna was immensely proud of her family and their heritage and would often remind us that we came from pioneering stock because the Deppeler's were early pioneers in the district. Mum considered her childhood blessed and often told us of picnics by the creek, eating apples from the orchard, riding and wandering the local hills. This I found intriguing as Mum's sense of direction was pretty terrible but she never got lost on these expeditions apparently. The children all worked on the farm and the girls used to do the afternoon milking after school. Her Father called them his nightingales because the girls all sang at the top of their voices while they milked the cows.

It was a very loving family and their home was always open to visitors and friends and relatives to stay. She always scoffed at the way people these days cringed at sharing beds because she shared a bedroom with her sisters and a bed with her sister Thel. She said their was an indentation in the wall where she used to put her toe  and use it as a base to push Thel back to her side of the bed.

As a very young child Mum wrote her name in the door of the family chiffoneir. When challenged by her father she initially denied it ' saying she could write better than that!' Her father very gently but firmly told her that it was extremely important to always be truthful and so she confessed. It was a misdemeanour she was ribbed about ever after by her siblings. That first lesson about honesty always stayed with her and she considered it a cornerstone in her values, always impressing on us the importance of honesty.

She went to the local school till she was 14 and old enough to leave. In her last year she completed a year of correspondence lessons under the supervision of the teacher, studying French, which she loved,  and commercial principles among other subjects. 

This enabled her to obtain a job in the grocery store at Yinnar Sth where she did the accounts. 

She used to ride her horse Lady to work every day. Mum must have been a very good rider because occasionally she had to ride her brother Blue's horse and it was used to galloping at top speed. Mum said you no sooner put your foot in the stirrup and it would take off but she never fell off. 

Mum always attributed her good health to growing up on the farm, eating home grown food and leading such an active life.

Her father had a Swiss heritage and he used to butcher their own meat,  and make their own sausages and bacon. The girls used to churn the butter and the larder was always full of home made preserves, jams and chutneys. This tradition of a full pantry has been the source of much amusement from all of the next generation who declare that we could live out of our mother's pantry's for at least six months! Mum told us that her father used to show them all the parts of the animal when he was butchering so that they got very real and vivid biology lessons. They hand raised many calves and mum was proud to win a ribbon for her calf at the local agriculture show.

As she grew older she moved with Thel to Melbourne to work. Because she worked in the grocery industry she got men's wages and so it was considered a good job. I always wondered why Mum didn't go to art classes once she got to Melbourne but she told me they worked six days a week and very long hours so there was never the time. She had wanted to become a nurse but her father and the local doctor thought it was too hard a job for such a petite young woman. The irony was that when she joined the army during the war she was a nurses aid and did all the hard work!

After a broken romance with an American soldier mum decided she needed to do something different with her life so she joined the Army nursing corps. They trained at Darly near Bacchus Marsh outside Melbourne and she said she had never been as fit in her life. They never walked anywhere but ran. After her training as a nurses aid she was posted to the military hospital Heidelberg and worked there until she met Dad who was one of the patients. She credits nursing so many young soldiers with horrific wounds or illnesses with restoring her faith in men. Once she and dad married they were demobbed and moved to Gatton Queensland where Dad had come from. It was hard for Mum to leave her large family. She had her children here and lived a challenging and interesting life.

9 October

Edna Peter and I May2016 at the Deppeler reunion.

9 th October 

I spent all day with Mum yesterday with only brief visits from Tracey and John. I felt that Saturday would be the day but at 5:00 pm she seemed to be just in the same breathing pattern and so I decided to leave.  Mary the charge nurse on duty with 16 years experience, related a story about the song 'You are my Sunshine' being one that had helped two patients release their spirits and she suggested I try it too. I downloaded a Bing Crosby version and played it. I felt a bit guilty but I hoped it would help her. I was tired and despondent so l left and rang Peter my brother to check he was okay as I hadn't heard from him all day. He also was very low. We had just sat down to dinner at 6:30 when Peter rang to say Mum had just died. We abandoned our dinner and raced across to the hospital. John andTracey were amazed at my speed! I was so focused on getting to the hospital I didn't really notice them. Mum was very peaceful but I asked Mary to put her dentures back in because she hated to be seen without them and she just didn't look like Mum without them. Peter arrived shortly after. For a moment I just felt like a little girl again.  It passed and we talked about how lucky we were to have Edna as our Mother. Her values are deeply imbedded in us all and particularly about love being the most important aspect of life. We sat with her for awhile and then gathered her things and removed her jewellery. We are all relieved that in the end she didn't linger very long. Her desire to control her destiny was achieved. In the end she had the quality of life she wanted almost to the end with only the last few weeks being in a state of helplessness. She was dignified and gracious always. The staff on the ward loved her for her smile and her appreciation of their kindness. They were wonderful in the care they gave Mum. Always kind and respectful.

I am sad that I have lost not only my mother but my best friend. 

Afterwards there is always a flurry of activity letting people know. I am a bit numb and functioning on automatic. 

It is doubly hard for Tracey because her Mother is also hovering at deaths door and she will be losing the two most important women in her life in the same weekend. Her mother is interstate so her dedication to helping mum and I  has been even more generous. 

8th October 

Last night I came home feeling drained. Mum seems to have just shrunk into this little lady.  Tracey came by to see mum and after some prayers and loving words we left. I bought a bottle of champagne on the way home and we were well into our second glass when John arrived home. He had booked a table at the Summer house restaurant which is abuzz on Fridays and has live music. It was a lovely change. I felt more settled and then we stopped by the hospital on the way home because the nurse had said things could change quite quickly. Mum was sleeping peacefully but then I slept fitfully on edge about receiving a call in the night. 

At 3am Tracey woke and soon after received a text from her sister to say their mother Val had deteriorated and this looked like her final hours. Having both her mother and her godmother pass at the same time is really intense. We are all on edge waiting. Mum always said when she died she would take Val with her but now it might be the opposite way. Mum's breathing is changing slightly. I am talking with her every now and again, saying prayers, playing soothing music, touching her to let her know I am here.  Her eyes flutter open when she is moved from side to side but otherwise there is no recognition. She just seems to be diminishing every time I look at her.

7th October 

Today is peaceful for Mum but early on she seemed to be pulling at the sheets and I am sure she wanted to go to the toilet. In the end they did an ultrasound on her bladder and she had 800 mls. The decided to give her a catheter because she just won't let go. A lady to the end! This is all so undignified. The nursing staff took out her bottom teeth too because they kept falling out. Later mum wanted me to take her upper dentures out because they were too dry. I cleaned them but as they too are falling out they have stayed out now. More indignity.  Her breathing is very wet sounding because the swallow reflex has stopped.

Peter and Tim were here this morning so it was the whole family and we were glad for each other. The Doctor Padmina has been so kind and helpful and has suggested that the weakness she is having on her left side could be attributed to the cancer going to her brain or perhaps a small stroke. But she said Mum was adamant that she wanted no investigation or tests so they are only informed speculation. 

Yesterday afternoon my cousin Diane came to visit which was nice but we talked a

 lot about people's views on death and how someone was too scared to come because they were afraid of crying and upsetting Mum.  I said Mum wouldn't be upset and that at least crying expresses your concern about the other person. People don't know what to say, this I understand.we will all be crying soon enough.  I have certainly started to 'leak' at the edges. I shed more than a few tears yesterday when it was just Mum an I. The nurse who has come on tonight said Mum is on track so I hope it isn't too much longer for her. She can hear but mostly she sleeps.

The irrational feeling I am having is that I am not doing enough for her. It is out of my hands really and apart from telling her she is not alone and spraying her mouth to keep it moist, there is little anyone can do. I am reluctant to go home but I also want to leave and be amongst the living. I went out to have lunch in the garden today just because it is so heartbreaking and the sun and the blossom is so soothing. A crow came and perched right overhead. Is it a sign of something?

6th October

Mum has had some frightening dreams that unsettled her the night before and even though she had been in the recliner when I arrived she was so uncomfortable. She is sick of being in bed and sick of being sick. Wednesday night Tracey came and we had some champagne. Mum clicked glasses on every drink

.  Later that evening David and Anne Marie came to visit and they also bought Champagne and glasses and she so enjoyed that. I went to dinner with them afterwards at Tenerife and had a lovely Italian dinner and gelato. It is such a contrast to Mum's current state and only serves to emphasise the loss of quality in her life. The doctors talked about how they were going to help her and she struggled to keep her eyes open and could only whisper even more quietly that usual but she understood. Thursday was a hard day particularly. She was so upset at her helplessness and just praying to have it over. She is not in pain physically but emotionally she is hating that it is taking so long. The indignity of the process is distressing. She feels like she is being punished by God. What do you say to that? I just say it is about giving her time to get ready. Seems a poor answer. My heart is breaking. It was so much better for Peter. A sudden end. 

She is being kept comfortable which really means sedated so she isn't distressed. Mum can hear us but it is an effort to keep her eyes open.

5 October

I went shopping for a couple of new nighties because Mum has lost so much weight that some are too big and gaping. I also looked for a couple of little bed jacket style tops. Fortunately I found two lightweight little cotton knit jackets from  a casual clothing shop and the nighties from Best and Less. I also bought myself a  nightie because I have only got a pair of summer pjs that I have had to recycle. It is pretty warm here so they dry most times before I need them though once or twice I have needed to sleep in them with a damp waist band.

While I was shopping I bought a Scrabble set for John and Tracey as we have all got the scrabble bug.  I have been quite diligent about getting my 10,000 steps in daily which has helped me feel fresher and fitter after all the sitting. 

I am seeing the tranquil beauty in the river and glowing deep mauve of the Jacaranda trees as they blossom one by one along the river walk. It is soothing to observe natures cycle. The art along the river is interesting too.

I took a ferry down river to New Farm park on the opposite side of the river, which as a child I remembered as huge and glorious with mature Jacarandas. It didn't seem so large anymore but still it was attractive and I returned to Kangaroo Point by walking along the river bank and the new fixed boardwalk all the way back and over the Story Bridge to Kangaroo Point and home.  The boardwalk used to be floating but got extensively damaged in the last big flood so now it is fixed and probably flood resistant. Just before the park I saw this gracious example of an old Queenslander.  What a beauty, like a frothy white wedding cake. I grew up in a similar home as this though not as beautiful. Perfect for the climate with extensive shady verandahs surrounding an inner core of cool darkish rooms. 

Each night we have been Scrabbling and Tracey and John are improving fast.

The time seems to go so quickly and every night I am so tired.

Mum had a traumatic nose bleed on Thursday night and that seems to have instigated a dramatic decline.  She was supposed to use a face mask for oxygen to relieve her nose but she found it claustrophobic and kept fighting it until I asked for the prongs back. Then she was confused about which ones she should be having. She seemed to be more confused and tired all day. Sunday night she had a terrifying "dream" that she got out of bed and couldn't get any help and had to bang the table for the nurses. She wanted a doctor and was terrified but a nurse came and soothed her and got her back to bed. When I came in Monday she was upset and when I checked with the staff none of this had been true. She was delirious. Since then she has been more and more tired and sleepy. She is confused sometimes and then completely with it.

It is so hard to see her like this and she hates it too.  The little dog Kimba came yesterday and I chased them up to visit mum. It made her day even though she was so weak.

The doctors came and she asked him if she was dying. He told her that she was progressing but not yet in the last stages.  We talked about her treatment. As she becomes sleepier they will reduce the oxygen and increase the morphine so she is not distressed.  I felt upset by the development but it is what we and Mum have all talked about before now. None of us want any false prolonging of the inevitable. The staff here are very kind and supportive and it heartens me that they never do anything without consulting mum too. It is painful to see her so debilitated and she is asking for it to be over soon.

1 st October steady as she goes

It seems surreal that I am now seeing a real change in Mum. Over the last two weeks we have gone from " mum could be here till Christmas " thinking to," could she pass in the next week"?. It is a roller coaster contributed to the ongoing but snail pace decline of my aunt Val who has had Alzheimer's for nearly 15 years. She hasn't spoken for 8 years and is also in her end days but when she looks to be taking her last breath, she has a good night and bounces back. All weekend we were expecting the call and it never came. For Tracey it is agonising because her Mum has been effectively gone for several years but the husk of her body 

remains. It is a curse and Val's condition has always caused so much pain for Mum. Val was her baby sister, her living doll!

I had a great week prior to this when I had dinner out with David and Anne Marie at a Chinese restaurant. I was so happy because I have been missing that style of food. I am now cooking a meal a week here and it is always Chinese. Tracey says she hasn't eaten as much rice or pork as she has since I started cooking! I even cooked with a head lamp one night because the rangehood light has blown and I couldn't see into the large pot I use because there is no Wok! Why didn't I think of that at Logaston when I was staying with Andy and Karen I wonder?

Later in the week I took in a movie " Bridget Jones's Baby" which was extremely amusing and caused me many belly laughs. It was great to laugh like that; such a release. The following evening it was the River Fire, a fireworks spectacle on the Brisbane river. Of course it was fun with lots of oohing and ahhing at the dramatic fireworks set to music by Prince and David Bowie. I danced and jiggled like a fourteen year old ( although 14 year olds are probably too cool for that in public).  

Tracey and John don't usually join  the crowds on the cliffs but did so for me this year. I loved the buzz of course after all the quiet hospital days. 

I began to think about returning to Melbourne for a visit, especially as Ziggy's birthday party was looming. In the end I just couldn't justify leaving knowing I would be wanting to get back as soon as possible anyway. 

Frustrations

3rd October

I have been having trouble with the blog so I am writing in notes first. I have lost so many attempts I wanted to stop doing it!

17 September

17 September blog post

My day off was very refreshing. I decided to be a tourist in Brisbane and took the free City Hopper ferry service down the river to Southbank where I alighted at the Maritime museum.  It was delightful to be out in the spring sunshine amidst lively people and vibrant flowers after the quiet, subdued atmosphere of the hospital.

The place was full of families and couples enjoying the beach and water, playgrounds and cafes. 

I walked the length of Southbank ultimately arriving at the art gallery. I decided to lunch there and then explore the paintings. I found the earliest historical landscape of Brisbane interesting because it showed a perspective of where I am living in Kangaroo Point. It was so pastoral then and now it is tall apartments and the Story bridge. A stark contrast. From there I wandered across the bridge to the treasury Casino ( where John works in surveillance). It is a lovely building but the interior downstairs is full of garish poker machines and gaming tables surrounded by many Asian punters. It is smallish compared to Crown in Melbourne but at least you can see the street outside to get a sense of time! After that I wandered down the mall in search of a present for Ziggy and a bookshop to buy the book club books and also some oracle cards. 

Since being at Tracey's place I have been exploring the oracle cards. She has numerous sets so you can look at different ones to get a feel for those that resonate with you. Buying them outright is a bit of pot luck otherwise because you only get to see some pictures. The art on most is very attractive but I don't like the ones that seem 'dark'.  It is a feeling that you have to trust.  Tracey has given me a couple of reikis since I have been here and it has helped with the emotional aspect of being with Mum. I realised I was holding myself so tightly.  

I found a present but forgot to buy the KISS DVD for Ziggy. He is having a KISS themed birthday party! I didn't buy any oracle cards either because I didn't find ones that resonated or called me.

Then it was home on the ferry again and a walk along the river boardwalk to home. I felt peaceful and refreshed. My brain had relaxed too.

Everyday I pull a card to get a focus for the day. It is interesting that I am exploring this aspect again. I have angel cards at home which I use every now and again but here I am doing it daily and pondering the topics. It is a form of meditation or reflective thinking to see what is within the unconscious. 

I have focused on my logical brain for so long that I doubt my intuitive feelings sometimes. Once I was much more confident. I am trying to recover the 'faith' in my intuition by  practising this ritual.  It is enjoyable and enlightening.

Mum has been so good for a couple of days that I felt confounded. I have been here almost nonstop for two months now and she seemed so close to the end a couple of weeks ago but now seems to be stable. We pass the time comfortably playing scrabble and chatting or watching TV together or just reading quietly. I help with little things like the food, or getting out of bed, massaging her hands and feet, arranging visitors. The days pass quite quickly and the changes are barely noticeable. 

Yesterday she had to have a suppository for constipation which is a huge problem and she spent the day in fear of an uncontrolled explosion which she had once before to her utter horror. 

The effort of going backwards and forwards to the toilet until finally she succeeded really highlighted her weakness. It sapped all her energy and reminded me she really is failing still. It was awful to see her so distressed. Tracey arrived late in the day and found it very upsetting. The fact is none of us want to see this happening to Mum. It seems such a long process this dying and while I am grateful for the opportunity to be with Mum and so glad she is mentally okay it is still difficult emotionally.  I have been on the edge now for a long time expecting any day for a rapid change but instead it seems she has plateaued. She is so pleased I am here every day that I can't leave her now. I will take a day off every week to help me stay positive.

17 September blog post

My day off was very refreshing. I decided to be a tourist in Brisbane and took the free City Hopper ferry service down the river to Southbank where I alighted at the Maritime museum.  It was delightful to be out in the spring sunshine amidst lively people and vibrant flowers after the quiet, subdued atmosphere of the hospital. The place was full of families and couples enjoying the beach and water, playgrounds and cafes. 

I walked the length of Southbank ultimately arriving at the art gallery. I decided to lunch there and then explore the paintings. I found the earliest historical landscape of Brisbane interesting because it showed a perspective of where I am living in Kangaroo Point. It was so pastoral then and now it is tall apartments and the Story bridge. A stark contrast. From there I wandered across the bridge to the treasury Casino ( where John works in surveillance). It is a lovely building but the interior downstairs is full of garish poker machines and gaming tables surrounded by many Asian punters. It is smallish compared to Crown in Melbourne but at least you can see the street outside to get a sense of time! After that I wandered down the mall in search of a present for Ziggy and a bookshop to buy the book club books and also some oracle cards. 

Since being at Tracey's place I have been exploring the oracle cards. She has numerous sets so you can look at different ones to get a feel for those that resonate with you. Buying them outright is a bit of pot luck otherwise because you only get to see some pictures. The art on most is very attractive but I don't like the ones that seem 'dark'.  It is a feeling that you have to trust.  Tracey has given me a couple of reikis since I have been here and it has helped with the emotional aspect of being with Mum. I realised I was holding myself so tightly.  

I found a present but forgot to buy the KISS DVD for Ziggy. He is having a KISS themed birthday party! I didn't buy any oracle cards either because I didn't find ones that resonated or called me.

Then it was home on the ferry again and a walk along the river boardwalk to home. I felt peaceful and refreshed. My brain had relaxed too.

Everyday I pull a card to get a focus for the day. It is interesting that I am exploring this aspect again. I have angel cards at home which I use every now and again but here I am doing it daily and pondering the topics. It is a form of meditation or reflective thinking to see what is within the unconscious. 

I have focused on my logical brain for so long that I doubt my intuitive feelings sometimes. Once I was much more confident. I am trying to recover the 'faith' in my intuition by  practising this ritual.  It is enjoyable and enlightening.

Mum has been so good for a couple of days that I felt confounded. I have been here almost nonstop for two months now and she seemed so close to the end a couple of weeks ago but now seems to be stable. We pass the time comfortably playing scrabble and chatting or watching TV together or just reading quietly. I help with little things like the food, or getting out of bed, massaging her hands and feet, arranging visitors. The days pass quite quickly and the changes are barely noticeable. 

Yesterday she had to have a suppository for constipation which is a huge problem and she spent the day in fear of an uncontrolled explosion which she had once before to her utter horror. 

The effort of going backwards and forwards to the toilet until finally she succeeded really highlighted her weakness. It sapped all her energy and reminded me she really is failing still. It was awful to see her so distressed. Tracey arrived late in the day and found it very upsetting. The fact is none of us want to see this happening to Mum. It seems such a long process this dying and while I am grateful for the opportunity to be with Mum and so glad she is mentally okay it is still difficult emotionally.  I have been on the edge now for a long time expecting any day for a rapid change but instead it seems she has plateaued. She is so pleased I am here every day that I can't leave her now. I will take a day off every week to help me stay positive.

13 September Brisbane

I have taken a different way to the hospital over the last couple of days which has been visually pleasing and a treat when I saw a water dragon too.  It is along the river and very soothing to walk through parks and  under trees.

It had been refreshing and I have started to feel more at peace.

Mum is steadily declining but not uncomfortable. Her ability to concentrate is being challenged but we still have a game of scrabble a couple of times a week. I have introduced her to a new app game and yesterday I tried doing some drawing which she critiqued. 

Scrabble was funny because she is less able to play strategically and the last few moves I ended up helping her and managed to beat myself! That caused us to have a good laugh. 

We talked about my being with her every day. I had promised I wouldn't leave her on her own and while she said it was too much to promise she was so glad that I come every day. It is a journey we are doing together and I feel happy to be here.

 I have let go of my life in Melbourne for the time being and that is a relief too strangely. The sense that mum was going to die any moment a couple of weeks ago has passed and now it seems to be a slow, steady decline. She is having anti nausea medication to stop her being sick at the smell of food, though the quantity she eats is not improving.

The doctors gave her about six weeks but it seems like it might be longer. I have given up wondering and just take every day as it comes. 

Today I am having a day off after arranging an alternative visitor. I need a break and to see the world around me as well as post off a present to Ziggy. I won't be making his birthday this year. He is having a KISS band themed party would you believe. A rocker in the making for sure!

9 th sept back in Brisbane

 .After returning from Melbourne we went to visit Mum and I was rather shocked at how much weight she had lost in a week. She was shifted to the palliative care ward at St Vincent's Hospital at Kangaroo Point. It is only a ten minute walk away from Tracey and John's flat so is very convenient and I really can walk to it.

The staff are lovely and the place is very caring and warm. I have been visiting everyday just keeping Mum company while the care is done by the staff. I need to be here to monitor mum and talkk with the doctors because Mum does forget or feels somewhat overwhelmed. Poor thing had been constipated for five days and the medicine they gave her caused her to lose control and she was so upset and humiliated but the staff were all so good and praising her for getting it out! This is what you come too. Old age is not for the faint hearted.  

She has improved in some ways but is also tiring more and more. Her concentration wanders now so playing scrabble is a challenge as the game goes on. We have had two games this week. She is quite happy but somewhat impatient about the time it is taking to die. She said next time I a coming back with curly hair, long legs and a heart attack!

They have a support dog who visits and so I asked them to come to Mum. She is such a dog lover and it really made her day to have a visit from this little fellow  Kimba.

The next day it was the drinks trolley at 5pm. She could have whatever she liked so we selected a gin and tonic. Mum really enjoyed it. I only had two sips! Funny how the alcohol is easy to imbibe. Mum has enjoyed a drink but never been a heavy drinker ever and so it is intriguing that the alcohol is much easier to take than food or even tea sometimes. Her taste buds are very affected by the illness. Mum is still not in pain though she suffers some nausea now and today I found she had a cannula in her arm for anti nause medicine. Her medicine dosage is low with a minimal amount of morphine to inhibit the coughing she found so distressing.

My neohew Matthew and his wife Hisayo came up from Canberra to see mum and say farewell. She was so pleased to see them and hear about their new house and their future plans. When they went to leave Hisayo broke down, then Mat got tears as well as Patti(his mother and my brothers ex). 

Mum was so sad that Hisayo was upset. She always wanted to encourage her and be there for her. Hisayo is Japanese and has struggled with English and settling in Australia. Mum was telling her how important she is to the family. Mum and I talked afterwards about how we can almost pretend death is not around the corner. We can't spend every day in tears but we don't dwell on the future either. 

I am reading a book by Julie Kirkpatrick called the Camino letters and I thought what I am doing here with Mum is another Camino. I have put everything and everybody on hold to be here and day by day journey with Mum.  I feel restless sometimes and miss my friends, my family, Ziggy especially. I miss my life really but I aiso don't want to be anywhere else either. I am as committed to this journey as I was to the Via de la Plata or the Camino France's. I wonder if being here is useful and helpful sometimes and then Mum and I share a joke and hold hands and I know it matters. Every day I leave she thanks me for being here. It is a privilege.

3rd September THE wedding day

I was very churned up and nervous. I finished the speech in the morning and then it was making sure the dress was ready. When I brought it home from the shop it had had two pleats steamed into the lining which appeared through the dress. I wanted it steamed out but I hadn't had time to take it back to the shop. I decided to try doing it myself. Ugh!! I smoothed it but also spilt water and freaked out that I would have a water mark! Face, dress, then the bag I was taking lost its little glitter strip, I didn't need this fussing. A white dress is so vulnerable, especially when I wear it. Jonathan had told me only yesterday that I needed to be at the venue an hour earlier for photos. Just as well I had put the hairdresser back to give me more time if mum happened to be able to make it. The anxiety was ridiculous. These are the times I miss Peter's calming influence. 

I took off to the hairdresser to get spruced up again and then get my face done. The young woman was a statuesque exotic beauty who made me look pretty good for an old duck. Very subtle.

Then it was home and into the dress which had not sustained a water mark(phew) and into my excruciating but gorgeous 9 mm heels! The overall effect was pretty good. 

Peter and Jan had got ready and elected to come with me by our Uber taxi rather than come later. In the end we were running a little late but so was the rest of the wedding party. 

We had our photos taken and were very impressed with the venue, a sort of shabby chic or distressed belle epoch ball room. Everything looked so stylish. 

 It wasn't long before my feet were killing me . I met some of the young ones in the loo and they were complaining of sore feet too. What women do for glamour. We really are silly. Soon the wedding was taking place and Ziggy who had arrived rather grumpy from an afternoon nap was handing out confetti with me. He hung onto Jonathan's leg through the ceremony saying in a loud clear voice when Jonathan was becoming emotional saying his vows,  'Daddy you look funny!' Then Ziggy had to hand over the rings which he did easily but then kept snapping the ring box in such a fashion we thought he would hurt his fingers. He burst into tears, crying loudly when Clare and Jonathan did the newlywed walk down the very short aisle without him.

After that it was all smiles and canapés. At this stage my feet felt like the blood had stopped but I still looked gorgeous. It was with great relief we took our places at the table for the dinner. I still felt nervous and could hardly eat or drink. The food was beautiful.

 Salmon with seaweed impregnated with Tapioca. Yum! The other main was perfectly cooked fillet of beef.

Then it was the speeches and  I was finally able to relax. All went well and everybody spoke with a different angle and with much humour and love. It was the best group of speeches I have heard for some time. I was probably biased but they all spoke to the qualities of both bride and groom and their families.  All speeches were out done by Ziggy announcing he loved his Mummy and his Daddy was weird forever! Then dancing, with the bridal waltz a real boogie to Let's get married by Jagged Edge.  The bride had changed into a short off the shoulder white dress with flowing sleeves and looked equally as  beautiful as in her wedding dress. The party got pretty loose then and I danced the night away , still in my heels! The neon sign said it all. 

 

The next day we met for a post wedding lunch. A little worse for wear but still It was another happy occasion.

We returned home exhausted and needing to pack for returning to Qld and Mum.

30 th Sept Momentous week

I left Mum at Greenslopes hospital in the care of my younger brother TIm and his partner Donna while I returned to Melbourne for the dentist and The Wedding! It was an epic week really. I felt so anxious about leaving Mum but was confident nothing was going to happen now till after the wedding. 

I had two visit s to the dentist. One to the orthodontist to remove the brace that has been pulling my tooth straight and then the dentist to have the post for the implant installed. I was rather anxious but despite the discomfort it wasn't painful and the swelling wasn't too bad. I expected it to be fine for the wedding. A bit of a risk but needed because of the time issues with returning to Brisbane.

Then I had a bright idea to have my face waxed for the wedding as I had booked a professional makeup for Saturday. DISASTER! The beautician tore the skin on my cheeks so I would now need camouflage for Saturday. Oh vanity can bring you down.

 I was so upset, but the damage was done. It hurt worse than the tooth. I went back the next day when it hadn't eased and she was very apologetic and provided me with a range of products to soothe my face. It had never happened before and I can only put it down to her distress over a fight with her mother! She was too rough. 

Next I had guests arriving so I was busy with airport collections and entertainment. It was very pleasant and busy. I would have also liked some quiet time to recover a little from the intensity of being with Mum but there was no time.  I did enjoy taking my brother Peter and cousin Jan to Movida restaurant which is in Hosier lane. The lane is famous for its street art and the restaurant for its Tapas with style! I left them to find their own way home while I went off to the hairdresser.

I know my hair doesn't look long but after five weeks it needed a bit of a touch up and he actually cut lots off! Even better he only charged me a fraction of the cost because he couldn't do it for the wedding as he had offered.  We met later at my apartment and enjoyed a quiet home cooked meal. I needed to finish my speech for the wedding and get my face cleaned for more healing treatment.

1Sept Back in Melbourne

Mum has been more comfortable since being in hospital. The oxygen has made a difference to her existence but not her resilience. She is still not eating enough and so her strength continues to decline. We are noticing her memory is becoming affected too. She is still bright and happy but very tired. Mum still brightens with champagne however. A real champagne Charlie is Mum. She is famous for her statement" there is no time when champagne is not appropriate!".

Tim has taken over the vigil while I am back in Melbourne for Jonathan 's wedding. I am missing Cousin Tracey's ability to see signs all around us. It adds so much spirituality to your day. 

I bought a new pair of light coloured high heels for the dress which I feel so glamorous in and look great with the dress. I just need to get it steamed again to remove a pleat in the lining which interferes with the line. I feel set now for the wedding. Just the speech to be written.

I decided to have my face waxed in anticipation of the make up experience on Saturday but it has been disastrous. I have been left with a huge red mark on my cheek as if I have had the skin burnt. I am quite distressed. I will need concealer to cover it. Oh vanity!

I have also been to the dentist for the installation of the titanium screw for my implant. That was quite a traumatic experience listening to the drill penetrating my jawbone. I had no pain and I have only minor swelling so that is good but I wouldn't want to do more than one in the chair! I felt faint over the bill too even though I had had the quote. Fortunately I can pay it off over three payments and the health insurance has been reasonable in returns. It is still the cost of an airfare to Europe or almost anywhere!

The good news is I had won $87 on tattslotto which is the most winning s for ages.  I need to chase the Brisbane airport parking double charge refund. All little chores but little time to complete them. I have to be very focused to get through the various tasks or the time will run away. 

I made a quick trip to the gym and was so warmly greeted by everyone I was so uplifted. I just wanted to keep them informed of my circumstances and they were so accommodating by maintaining my suspension. EFM and the staff rock at East Hawthorn.  

Now for the Tax return!