Christmas Day and following

Christmas Day was a fun but an exhausting day. We went across to Roger's place for lunch.(Another brother-in-law , I have five!) There I met up with cousins Selina and Jaquie and several of Roger's friends who had travelled from Melbourne, Canberra and Cairns to celebrate with him.  About 18 of us. The food everyone brought was fantastic and so a grand feast ensued.

We played a KrisKringle game where you could take your other guests KrisKringle or select from the pile. It was hilarious and played with such good spirit. My two other B-I-laws turned up after their stint at the Wayside Chapel where they had served about 800 less fortunate people at a charity lunch. The Wayside Chapel Christmas lunch is a highly sought after volunteering opportunity because many celebrities ( current prime minister  Malcolm Turnbull is a regular) donate their time to this charity and this day. My brother-in-law Gary has been doing this for several years now.  

Talking with to so many people at Roger's who I only see spasmodically became pretty intense so that by about 4 pm I felt myself flagging and retreated to the stairwell for respite.  The young ones decided to leave and then it was a matter of bargaining as to who would return to collect us.  

Eventually we returned home to Clovelly and ate some more for dinner! David, Gary and I decided to play cards. 21 at first then 7s which I had learned from my English friends and played continually in Spain on the Camino. It was only then that we realised the pack was three cards short. Not to be deterred we made makeshift  substitutes and continued playing.  It was a fun tussle and we each one a game.  Thanks to Gary's hospitality I've discovered French Champagne doesn't give me a hangover!

Next day it was a casual breakfast and then niece Mitzi, who is learning to drive, drove me to the airport for my flight to Brisbane. Tim my brother picked me up and we drove to my elder brother's home where another Christmas/ Boxing Day lunch was taking place.  More champagne and present sharing then off to Southport with Mum to stay with Tim and Donna for a few days before moving onto Ballina and Flat Rock camping.

Tim and Donna have had a stressful time recently so we were a welcome diversion, playing scrabble ( always when Mum is around!) which created lots of laughs and good natured ribbing. Mum and I took in the movie 'the Suffragettes' which we really enjoyed and found quite enlightening. We then spent time in the Art Gallery before returning home. It was a good time and the next day I took everyone to Yum Cha and Mum off shopping. She always says when I am around she spends money, which is true because it is one of the few times she gets to go browsing in the shops.  

Next stop, Ballina and Irene and Bill at Flat Rock. The coast has been blasted with strong winds and squalls such that one of Bill's tarpaulin poles was bent horizontal from the force! He was adjusting the wind break when we arrived and Tim helped him out but was quite happy to return to his apartment and leave us to the wind and rain in the tents. My new tent was erected on our site but in what had become a walkway for a group of kids from several families holidaying together. Irene wanted to deter them from walking through by hanging a washing line, but the kids just run under her knickers anyway!

It seems more crowded this year somehow but they are all good natured and happy so really no complaints. I persuaded Bill to go surfing with me, a first for the season despite the wind. It was exhilarating but a challenge keeping my bikini on!

We went off to the Ballina RSL for New Years Eve as we have for the last few years.  They run a comedy night with excellent comedians and a meal  with all the hooters and glow sticks etc thrown in. We share a table and this time we are in the front table again but with a very different group of people. Cody and Kay the couple opposite Bill were interesting. He was about fortysh, obese and blind from a tumour and macular degeneration and no longer works. He supplements his pension with being the' Blind Blues Busker' around the surrounding towns. He blames his obesity on the illness but I wondered if the bottles of Coke he was drinking was also part of the problem. Kay his fiancé seemed a kind pleasant woman but I didn't get to talk with her much. Roger and Denise were from England originally and now retired; she volunteered with an animal rescue group, then there was Noah from Kentucky who came out to Australia in the 70s to avoid conscription to Vietnam and never went back. He was a nice guy and we had some good conversation but no sparks. He made a point of thanking me for a great night afterwards. He knew Mandy Nolan (MC) and the first support act. Irene was digging me in the back asking if he had ' potential'? Then there was Karen and Bill a younger couple who became a feature of some repartee with the comedians. Karen got carried away and wouldn't shut up and when she was dismissed by Steady Eddy quite politely, she retaliated by raising her top and flashing her breasts! Most people didn't realise when Steady Eddy made comment that she really had flashed her boobs. It was so inappropriate and they were not fabulous looking breasts either. The couple had a few playful spats through the evening too and I thought they were both ' very common' as my mother would say. I mean, this wasn't a music festival or a pub that does wet Tshirt competitorns!  The comedy seemed particularly raunchy this year but it was funny most of the time and we really had a lot of laughs.

After midnight we went downstairs to the dancing but the band only played on for a while and that was a fizzer.. Murray and Belinda ( friends from the campsite) joined us but got talking about another couple who used to camp near us who were great friends. They have fallen out and the other couple have gone bankrupt and the husband has told lies to Belinda and Murray apparently. I didn't want to hear it and felt really sad. I was a bag of mixed emotions I couldn't quite explain. Uncomfortable about the prodding from Irene perhaps, the boob flashing that seemed to denigrate women in my view, the fact that I didn't want the negativity of the conversation about the messed up lives, a sense of wanting to escape, a wish to be talking to the 'country romance' instead perhaps. I don't feel sad very often but perhaps it was just one comedy night too many and time for a change. Roll on 2016 and new adventures.

Happy New Year.

Christmas Eve

I have been out and about with Micky and we have had some great talks as we have dropped off presents and picked up biscuits and last minute Christmas goodies. Micky took me to visit her friend the artist Wendy Littlewood. She is a potter and ceramics painter. She paints life on her pots and they seem so whimsical but they are fabulous and so unique. Micky has quite a few pieces and they are a cross between mosaics and painting. She paints beautiful stories onto the objects she creates. Her terrace house is in East Sydney and full of her art. Very charming in this tiny terrace house. It is almost like a dolls house in size but it is jam packed with art, cats, and a dog.

When we returned home we needed to get organised for the dinner tonight. We prepared all the verges and the meat was pretty easy. I'd made the brandy sauce yesterday so we were on schedule. The margaritas came out and the meats went into the oven along with the vegetables. There were twelve for dinner and soon we were all assembled.

There was a lot of joking. We talked about what Christmas means to us and generally had a great time together. I feel so lucky to be part of this family. Even though Peter has passed away I am considered still very much part of the family. That sort of inclusiveness isn't always there as my mother found.  I feel so fortunate that I get on well with the whole family.

Driving north with Nick and Bec

Instead of flying to Sydney for Christmas I decided to drive up with my son Nick and his girlfriend Rebecca. They planned to camp at Jervis Bay to explore the beautiful beaches there.

In the sunshine 

Lovely even in the rain.

Nick loves the sun and the beach but while the drive up from hot Melbourne was quite uneventful, setting up my hiking tents for our overnights was marred by a downturn in the weather. The camp ground had lots of tame kangaroos roaming around, some with joeys too.

My boudoir is the green. Not the Hilton for sure.

I heard bandicoots during the night as well.

It was a privilege to be with them and fun to to be the one to say, 'are we there yet?' for a change.  I listened to a lot of new music , some good some dubious but all interesting. Observing the rapport between the two lovers was a joy. They are well suited and Bec is gorgeous.

It was fun to be included and share some time with them. Jervis Bay villages were quaint. Kitchen closed at 8:00 pm so nearly missed getting dinner! Saw an old school fish and chip shop that was the coffee shop too with pretty cakes as well. That was different. Due to the rain which got worse and worse we decamped and headed for Sydney and Gary and Micky's place at Clovelly. The rain was so fierce that we could barely see in front of us. Nick did a great job and Bec is a good navigator. We were very relieved to finally arrive. Poor Micky had a major leak in the roof which was pouring through the ceiling. It was great to see her and the three children. Gary had returned to Brisbane but will come back on Christmas Eve. 

Early the next morning a plumber came to survey the damage and put a hole in the ceiling to let more water out to avoid it collapsing. I have been charged with making the brandy sauce and glazing the ham while Micky goes to work. 

Life on the move again

Mum and I have taken the cruise around New Zealand on the Holland America Noordam. It was fun and we met a few really nice people. The cruise was a bit confronting for me because everybody seemed so old.. Better look in the mirror Kath. I realised I am used to mixing with many younger people generally and the mean age was probably in the late 70s even though they were well travelled and pretty mobile generally. Crossing the Tasman was interesting with huge swells making walking a little difficult.

Welcome aboard champagne  for Edna

Delayed departure meant leaving in the dark which was a little disappointing because I was really looking forward to going through the heads.

Mum loved the shows and the piano bar or blues club. She loves music. Every night we would finish the night in either the piano bar or the blues club. We went ashore at most of the ports except for Akaroa because it was too windy and rough to get the tenders off the boat.  We played a lot of scrabble during the day and took in a trivia and bingo game. I went to the Cha Cha dance class and got selected to be in the fi al of the dancing with the stars at sea. I got the opportunity to dance with John a professional dancer from New York. Umm! That was nice. What a fit body he had. I didn't win but had a good time. My 5 minutes of fame and 12 hours of celebrity was great for my self esteem. Lots of the audience complimented me which was nice. All good fun and an incentive to take up dancing in 2016.

Cruising into Milford sound

Peter Jacksons larger than life models for the Gallipoli exhibition at the National Museum Wellington.

charming  Russell village in the Bay of Islands, ship in the background

 A pretty sloop in the Bay of Islands.

I have an email friend who has put a little pep in my step. It has been fun to develop and continues to evolve slowly. It has been a revelation to me to be so sparked by another's interest in me. I thought I was quite happy, and I am, but I guess I repressed my natural desires. I am not a dried up old maid after all it seems! If nothing comes of it I will have had a bit of fun and realised that a companion may be more attractive than I had given credit before.

I have packed a lot into the last two weeks between returning from the cruise and heading to Sydney for Christmas. I have had my new fold down bed and desk installed in the second bedroom. I am thrilled with it.

I was a bit anxious about paying for it but fortunately the dividends came in on time! I was a little anxious about all the bills and started to think about working again. I was strong and resisted that anxiety.
Lots of Christmas parties so I have been out nearly every night. A good life now with a little romance on the horizon perhaps.

Cousin's weekend

Cousin Jan came to visit. Her plans had been delayed by the prospect of selling her apartment t but in the end that fell through and so she came to Melbourne after all. I picked her up from the airport and we had. Quick catchup before I had to go out for dinner. I was taking a dessert which had a spectacular marshmallow frosting.

Jan helped me finish the cake and then I left her for the dinner at Angies's place. When I arrived I was two hours late! I had completely confused the times and they had been worried about me. I was mortified, thank goodness I was bringing the dessert and not starters! 

In the end we had a great time and ended up playing a trivia game combined with charades. Bec and George, Tim , Angie and I had a lot of laughs. Lorraine had only recently returned from a week at the Gaia spa in the Byron Hinterland and was tired so she left early.  

I have never quite mixed up times so badly before and I was very embarrassed about it. Fortunately they are old friends and forgave me readily. It was a fun night. George and Rebecca were looking a lot better than we had seen them for some time. George's heart condition is chronic with half the heart muscle damaged but his attitude seemed greatly improved. He finds it challenging finding things to keep him occupied as he can no longer work.

The next day I took Jan up to the Yarra valley to the wineries and lunch at the Healesville hotel. We visited Domain Chandon and enjoyed the tasting so much we signed up for the club! Jan did her usual questioning about food matching and wines and the young French man was up to the challenge and we had an enjoyable visit.  The lunch at the hotel was wonderful and also met her gourmand expectations. After a wander around town we moved along to Tarrawarra but we're not so impressed with their wines although she loved the setting. Home late with toasted sandwiches for tea much later!

Monday was a shopping day in David Jones and a Chinese lunch. All of which was highly successful. I bought two quality tops for half price( the half prices I can afford) and nearly forgot I had to pick up the car that had gone in for service! Next day was Ziggy and we all had fun with him in he pool and at his place before I took her to the airport.  Ziggy kept calling her my daughter which is a bit confronting. He didn't quite get the cousin relationship. 

 Tarrawarra estate

What happened to Monday?

I have lost my rhythm since I came back from Mum's place and it has been so busy that I have let the blog slide.  Is that good or bad I wonder? Good because I am active and engaged in a lot of activity or bad because I am not giving myself time for reflection or just plain quirt time.  I think the latter. I have been up to Ballarat an historic, provincial town about an hour and a half west of Melbourne. My friend Janine and I decided to use our free Metro train ticket that is given to Seniors in Victoria annually to go to Ballarat to see the Archibald portraits. It is a National art competition for the best portrait of a notable or interesting person. They are usually fantastic and the exhibition travels the country and in particular to provincial towns. It was so easy by train and therefore relaxing for me as I usually drive. Janine has not got a car since returning from living in Hing Kong. We enjoyed the sensation of being tourists and seeing the town from an outsiders perspective. Ballarat was the centre of the richest goldfields in the world during the 1850's gold rush. They still mine around the area but mainly small scale. The buildings are evidence of the wealth that flowed through the town because they are really grand.

After that we headed home to Melbourne to top off the day with drinks at the rooftop bar Siglo which overlooks Parliament House.
I later went off to a Camino meet up dinner and then it has been a rolling rush towards the cruise.
I have finished marking all my student's work, took the final exam and then deposited all at work to be entered into the new system.
Jane and I are every day more pleased to be free from Box Hill and its negative vibes. We had her final farewell dinner at last and Lynne and I bought her this fabulous collectible three d printed necklace.  She was thrilled with it. We went to the ingot jewellery gallery that I had visited with her when we all went to lunch at Naked in the sky tapas bar and restaurant.

Reflections on being restless

I don't think I am dwelling on Mum's diagnosis but it probably touches deep memories of Peter's illness and also the loss of not having that person close anymore.  
It is the uncertainty I think that underpins the restlessness. In reality I like to plan ahead, even if loosely and I am ready to be flexible,  but now I just have to let the future unfold as it will. Letting go of control is always tough, even if that control is really an illusion anyway.

This mood always makes me want to throw on the backpack and go walking. I suppose it is the physical and emotional calm that walking induces and the simplifying of your life for awhile. 

Why am I such a body of contradictions? People oriented, love new experiences yet  I long for quiet and peace too.

Well it is all part of my journey, my personal Camino I suppose, to find that balance. 

Writing does make me feel calmer. 

Restless and wriggly

I got back from Queensland on Monday night.  We are all disappointed about Mum having stage 3 Cancer but it is what it is and Mum is focusing on living as well as she can for as long as she can. Her view is that she has had a good life, had a wonderful husband and family and it is better than dying slowly with Alzheimer's! She told the doctor she is not afraid of dying but of pain. He assured her that would be managed.  We are determined to go on the New Zealand Cruise which is only 30 days away now. Mum sees the oncologist next Tuesday and hopefully we will have a better idea of what lies ahead then. 

That news has unsettled me and I feel very restless this week. Tuesday I minded Ziggy as usual and I collected him from Jonathan's work, then stopped at the park on the way to my place where we met a little fellow called Lachlan. The difference this side of town is the carers are nannies not grannies. We played for a couple of hours throwing balls and then playing on the play equipment with Lachy. We stopped in at home then out again to Bounce Inc a trampoline place. The session ending before ours was full of teenagers literally bouncing off the walls, doing backflips and jumping onto boxes or up walls or into pits of foam.. High energy indeed. I had paid for both of us and so for an hour we both bounced and jumped and threw ourselves into the foam pit. It is years since I used a trampoline and I was too nervous to bounce from one to the other or off the walls. I did eventually land on my backside and I really enjoyed throwing myself into the pit. That was great fun. I was the only 'mum' bouncing. Lots of dads of course. Anyway at the end a young girl who had been doing backflips told me how impressive I was and how she hoped she would be as fit as me when she is my age! I had to chuckle and feel chuffed. Both Ziggy and I were totally worn out.

It is so good that he is now coming to my place and it has opened up a whole new lot of experiences 

Work on Wednesday then I picked up my new glasses. They look great and feel so much lighter than the older ones. They make me feel happy. That night I went to a new opera based on the David Malouf novel ' Fly away Peter'. It was very different and the music was so discordant that I didn't enjoy it much. It was interesting though. 

Next day it was an appointment to see about dry eyes and later a workshop on body corporates. I was walking past the old ANZ bank and noticed what a lovely ceiling it had. I went in to look around. It was built in1863 and was the stock exchange once. It is a treat to have the time to explore the city and its lovely buildings. Then I bumped into Maggie from the gym when I was on my way to the station. We both laughed because we each thought we looked familiar! It is odd to see people out of context.

 I went via Peter Sheppard shoes and found these shoes in my size and reduced to cost! They were so comfy I decided to buy both the black and the taupe. It was an extravagance but my patent court shoes are not staying on my feet and are tripping me up. They were very expensive Italian shoes so a fabulous bargain, two for price of one.

I feel like I have been running all week. Running away perhaps. 

Friday I bumped into my neighbour and we decided to have drinks that turned into dinner. It was really good fun. We are always meeting in the car park or passing in the lifts. I really like them both and we get on very well. 

Saturday I just couldn't settle to any of the things I should. I managed to do the washing, cleaning and finally went to Chadstone, the largest shopping centre in Melbourne,  to get a waterproof sheet so Ziggy doesn't wet the bed. It seemed like bedlam and I can never find my way around because it is so big, I hated it and Aldi didn't have the tent for sale that I had seen in the advertising which had been another reason for going.  I did manage a few short stories from the book for book club. Small achievements.

I am missing the painting and generally feeling adrift. It is a lesson in being retired. Be still, find my centre. Get organised, focused.

Mum's diagnosis

How life can be filled with so much joy and so much heartache all at the same time is endlessly intriguing to me. That mingling of good and bad, happy and sad is I think what keeps us all going. The light and shade that provides substance, depth and ultimately meaning to our lives.

Over the last week I have had so much fun with Ziggy that it has given me such a sense of the depth of my love and attachment to this glorious little being. Experiencing his complete trust as he leaps into my arms in the pool, giggling with abandon when we tickle and wrestle, hearing his little stories as he plays imaginary games and having him sleep securely at my place for a change. He and the feelings he arouse fill me with wonder.

Ziggy and his dad playing  in my lounge.

Then there is the diagnosis that has come at last to Mum. She has lung cancer but what stage is not known. We will get that  information next week. The fact that it was not confirmed in her blood but potentially still contained in the lung is good I think, though that may be just a false hope. The second specialist was very caring and sensitive, explaining so much where the first doctor did not. The first specialist had told Mum and my brother when they asked why it was taking so long to get a diagnosis that " this is real life, not TV!" and walked out of the room. His attitude offended them both. Later in the week when he rang Mum to confirm the appointment with his colleague for a further bronchioscope Mum told him how offended she was and that she thought his flippant attitude was unacceptable. He was surprised but did apologise. Go Mum! His communication skills are very poor but he did have her best interests in mind by organising a more sensitive and safer further test. Anyway I have seen the ultrasound/ bronchioscope pictures  of the mass which is the size of a golf ball and we know now. It has been very tiring for Mum having these tests and the uncertainty has been on our minds for the last month.  I don't think we are scared of the illness so much  as the prospect of pain and the anguish of seeing Mum suffering. I realise I was thinking of how compromised Peter was when his lungs were breaking down and how hard it was to get a breath and projecting that onto Mum. 

I have come up to be with her for a week at least and then I will see what needs to happen next. She has been very philosophical about the news. She feels she has had a good life and has lovely children, grand children and a great grand child and feels fortunate to have had a wonderful husband. She has no regrets but would love to see Ziggy grow older.  We have both felt that it was a better way to go than the slow decline into Alzheimers that robs you of your personality and mind. Mum's youngest sister has spent nearly 15 years declining into this oblivion such that she no longer has the language to express herself and is a veritable shell of her former self. It is ghastly to watch. And that would be more soul destroying to see happen to Mum than this lung cancer. 

 Edna and the scrabble board

She is saying that she won't have any treatment that interferes with the quality of her life so this will be an interesting discussion with the doctor. She is a remarkable woman and is held fondly in the affections of many of my friends. She has quite a fan club really because she has always been such an inspiration to so many of my friends. She has always loved young people for the freshness and fun they bring to her life. Mum would have been a great teacher. She has always encouraged others and counselled wisely. Her belief that love is the only thing that really counts, love yourself, love others, love life has been her guiding light always.

Well she is not unwell yet a so we have had our first game of scrabble already. It was a hard fought game with lots of laughing and digs at each other. There will be a lot more of that.

My elder brother has been wonderful, the rock as his name implies, that has supported Mum while this has been going on.  His wife has poor health and is thin as a crisp but he is strong and sensible and very down to earth and has taken her and Mum to all the appointments.  He says he is pretty good at finding his way around hospitals now! 

I have had the strangest thoughts this morning. There are a lot of crows around Mum's place and waking to their incessant cawing is quite horrible. I thought while half asleep that a slingshot would be a good thing! Then I started to feel sorry for them. They are such intelligent birds that it must be awful for them to only be able to make such a boring raucous call. All the little birds have such pretty trills or the magpies have a glorious warble but the crow just makes noise. 

Orthodontists have a good life.

This week the orthodontist attached the wires to my back tooth to get it to straighten up so the implant will sit correctly.  It was quick to do but I feel it everyday and the wax I was using to cushion my cheek has been replaced with some sort of silicon so is more permanent. Even so I am finding it very uncomfortable and dread this for the next several months. I have to go back immediately I feel it has loosened so I am terrified every time I clean my teeth that I am doing something wrong. The wire catches food all the time so cleaning it is necessary. 

My austerity drive has gone out the window. This week will be better. At least I got the full refund from my health insurance which eased the agony. Glasses were not so good a refund so quite out of pocket  for them. Refund on photography and art classes will be nice too.

Waiting for news

I have disengaged myself from all my commitments except work so I can race off to be with Mum when we finally get the news. Results of further tests are still to come ( this Tuesday) which seems to indicate the issue may not be as serious as we were all led to expect in the beginning. I hope I am not being Pollyanna in this.  I am selfish enough to start getting a bit annoyed at the delay. I really wanted to do the photography course and the art class is such a good discipline and a joy even if I don't get enough practice in during the week.

In my typical optimistic outlook I am seeing this freeing up as an unexpected bonus to reconsider what really matters to me and where I want to really focus my time and energy. I feel I should go up to mum anyway because the whole waiting thing has been more stressful than the actual cause I think. 

This weekend has been the first Grand Final public holiday and it has left me with a weird feeling. Friday isn't usually a public holiday except for Xmas or Easter but the impact on me is really negligible anyway as I usually don't have much on Fridays. I spent it working on 'the Lectures' and have finally got to the last information one, now to write revision and exams. I will be glad to have that pressure off, even though I have found it interesting. 

I then took in a Movie'Holding the man' with Janine followed by dinner. The movie was so powerful and intense and sad. A story about two young men from Xavier College who embarked on an intense love affair and eventually died of AIDS. It was when homosexuality was not accepted,, and so there was this sense of impending doom all the way through. Also the AIDS epidemic was rife and I realised how I have forgotten how awful that was and is. The tenderness and loss of the men affected us both so we were glad to digest it all over dinner. It was a stark contrast to 'the Intern' which I had seen the day before. That was lighthearted and yet had some salient comments to make on the modern world and relationships.

Irene has been trying to FaceTime without success and it turns out they have been having huge problems with technology. I am amused that they want to keep in touch so soon but I understand the desire to share the experience  but on the other hand I had similar problems in Spain and found it frustrating.  Being caught between two worlds is no fun. 

I had a great time at the Zoo with Ziggy this week. I feel like our days are just getting richer all the time. I love him so much. These little people just worm their way into your heart and soul and become a part of you. Leaving him for a long holiday will be more of a wrench next year than I counted on. 

 Ziggy astride water buffalo at the elephant enclosure. The zoo has a free range Lemur exhibition and when I was kneeling to tie up Ziggy's shoelace one tried to jump on my back. Just being curious. I loved it.

Having more un structured time to myself that usual is probably good for me.  I know I tend to think of Peter more and there is a longing for his company that is present. It isn't painful just a void. 

I finally did my Tax return and it actually arrived in my bank account yesterday. A week is impressive and just in time to pay for my new glasses. My everyday red ones lost the arm again and when I asked if it could be repaired (again) they said the spring was broken and it was not repairable. I had it done at another place last time and it cost me $100 and over a week without them so I elected to buy a new pair. It is a shame I couldn't keep the lenses for the new pair but... A small fortune later I have bought gorgeous red sort of cats eye shaped, incredibly light weight frame, lightweight lenses with all the preventive guff. I wear them all the time so I figure I get the value and she did give me $100 discount rather than the free sunglasses I could have got. The frames were originally $745 and the lenses were $600!! 

It seems ridiculous when you get spec savers for much less but they are much lighter to wear which is an issue for me. I do wonder if cheaper glasses would be just as good especially when people get by with chemist magnifiers. They don't work for long distance though that is my justification. The last ones cost a lot as well and I figured about $2 a day over the length of their life. They didn't last as well as the previous ones (French and very stylish even now) which I am now wearing and have had for 10 years with a lense upgrade over that time. These new ones might have to see me out!! I will post a photo when I get them.

Birthday parties are chaotic

Life is rolling past very fast at the moment. Still don't know Mum's fate  and in the meantime I have been busy with work and a couple of extra meetings at work to try to get set to go up to Qld if I am needed. I am realising how 'involved' I am with art classes, work, and a photography class due to start.  If I have to go up to Queensland I need to be free to leave so  I have been organising refunds or transfers to other classes and I feel a real tug at my heart leaving Ziggy. We have been having the best time on our Tuesday's together. His imagination is so vibrant. 

Last week it was a mini monster in the botanical gardens we were playing with. A group of Chinese tourists must have thought I was completely looney talking to imaginary monster dads about taking his mini monster to the children's gardens with us!

The big excitement is that Jetstar released incredibly cheap flights to Japan.  I booked flights to Tokyo so we can go on the Komano Kodo trek. I have persuaded Kim & David, Bill & Irene and Anne to join me. It isn't till May next year but the flights were so cheap we just had to do it. Now I am doing my Japanese research. It was all such a flurry because the flights go so quickly!

On Saturday it was Ziggy's party for his third birthday. The theme was Teenage mutant ninja turtles so there were ninja turtle masks and cloth eye masks. The party was held at the park and his friends from Childcare were invited. They are a lovely little multicultural group of girls and boys and there parents as well as the aunts, uncles family friends and the Grandmothers.

Trying to keep an eye on a plethora of kids, slipping down the fast slide with different kids( their parents couldn't fit or weren't keen) and listening to the squeals of delight and feigned fear as they ran helter skelter made it a quite tiring affair. The food was almost healthy pizzas with ninja turtle printed on the boxes courtesy of Jonathan's graphic skills, lots of really delicious salads which the kids ate and fruit sliced. Then a box of ninja turtle donuts for the cake and later small packets of popcorn. Not a sweet or fairy bread in sight.  The kids had a ball and the parents enjoyed themselves too. I only realised Champagne was on offer when I got home! As the party drew to a close Ziggy asked me to come home to play with his toys. He was so sweet. I left the family after we had all had stiff coffees to go on to the movies with a friend. A Big day.

Guarding the donutsPlaying under the fountain 

 The after party wind down with the girls.

The world shifted slightly

My life has been chugging along steadily. An overnight stay with friends and some early planning for a walk in Japan next year a new interest. My brother-in-law Gary and his wife Micky visiting from Sydney was a delightful distraction.  Getting on with the teaching and enjoying the classes more than last semester. 

The group is small and I have  some students with significant challenges but overall a good group. It is heartening to see some of those students really staring to blossom now. The confidence is growing and I hope their people skills are improving too. The first group work activity has been difficult for one group and I have tried to guide rather than intervene to get them to solve their issues themselves.

I had a freewheeling painting class that I almost didn't attend because I felt too tired but I loved just exploring colour and techniques with different tools. Very abstract but emotional. It was only after a few days I noticed I had splashed my new shoes with paint in my unbridled enthusiasm.  As my darling husband would have said" too much gusto Kath!"

Dawn Csutoros my teacher was curious about the Camino because she feels it is something she is being called to do.  I of course was only too happy to talk about my experiences. She has a colour installation that is touring various churches or spiritual spaces in Europe and is thinking of other places she can exhibit. It seems remarkable to have such a creative artist as my teacher.

Then the bombshell.  Mum has been diagnosed with ( I hope) early stage lung cancer.  The whole family is in shock. She seemed so indestructible. She is so physically well and mentally alert that at 91 she seemed destined to keep on keeping on. The blindness of children. I am still her child even though I am 63 and she has been the constant in our life all that time. It is a reality check because Cancer is a disease of old age or the odds of developing it increase with age. Anyway she isn't dead yet so I shouldn't be talking as if she is about to leave us right now. 

 A photo of the amazing Edna  and me.

We will see what treatment options are offered and how bad it is first. It has disappointed her because she was going to come down for Ziggy's birthday next week and spend some time with him. We have cancelled the flight and the same might happen for the New Zealand cruise in late November too. We will wait and see. 

My idea of going to Japan will wait until I have more information. It is only a two week trip so not impossible to do  regardless of what transpires. 

Life isn't predictable so I don't know why we think we can control everything. What will be, will be.

Ist day of Spring 2015

What a glorious morning. I tried to capture the rising sun, the setting moon and a bunch of balloons with the golden morning sun glinting off the city buildings. If I had a proper camera I would have captured a better picture. A day of grace.

I went to another Camino Meetup which was fun and connected with a friend from Box Hill who is now working at Deaken University and about to walk half the Camino from just past Burgos. It was a less formal meal and I met several new people. I always come home after and hunt out my diary to relive my experience. It does capture so much of the emotions and the sense of peace I gained. It also makes me hunger for another.  I get a bit obsessed over it and now I am determined to walk the Camino Portuguese next year. I have purchased Brierley's guide and even done a quick foray into airfares. If I take the milk run I can probably get there for about $2,400.  With the Aussie dollar hitting the bottom of the barrel it is going to cost more than last time.  Who knows what might be the case next year?  I just feel I can't put things off. Talking about it brings forth a real physical reaction that is so strong. All the talk about neuroplasticity and physical links seems to be evident in these feelings.

It is gratifying to be able to share my experience and walking wisdom with others. I don't feel so self indulgent.

Saturday night my friends came for dinner and to put up my shelves at long last. Nick gave them to me last year and I never had the time or skill to put them up. I am no handy woman when it comes to finer jobs and I don't like to bother people even though I know they are happy to help. My friend Tim is the ultimate tool man and is a perfectionist so the perfect person to assist. I cook a feast in reward. I also invited some new friends I have made through the gym and we all got on like a house on fire. I decided to go Thai and cooked up way too much but it was enjoyed by everyone. I hate not having enough and these guys are big eaters even though they are slim.

I was pretty wrecked on Sunday so really just mooches around when I could have worked on my lecture or the ALIA submissions.  A girl needs a day of rest sometime.

I was supposed to have book club at my place on Monday but everyone who is here cancelled and the rest are all overseas. I had read the book and baked a cake and was looking forward to it. Anyway in the end it was a blessing to be having a quiet night at home. I had cancelled my art class too because it conflicts once a month.  I was able to be part of the teleconference for ALIA that I had declined and felt I made a good contribution after losing momentum over the last few weeks. My conscience was eased of that guilt, my lecture was written and all was well with the world.

I have decided to embark on a photography course in October because I have two great cameras and I am near to useless with them. I have always wanted to get past point and shoot so this will be my chance. It will also improve my 'eye' for art too. 

Even though I like my Monday art teacher I don't like acrylics so much and prefer pastels or watercolours and will concentrate on them in the future. This is what this year has been about too. Exploring new interests and trying to find the ones I love. I am also finally going to go back to learning French. I had a phone interview with a teacher from the Alliance Francaise which was to ascertain my skill level. I was a bit nervous because I haven't done any French since last year. I managed with many grammatical errors to speak and converse for over 10 minutes! I understood everything she said so she judged I was beyond basic level. I was quite chuffed in the end.  Some people do crosswords, I will do languages to exercise my grey matter. Now to fit in line dancing too!

Walking two Caminos hasn't tamed my busy gene quite yet but the declutter urge is still strong and I am shedding clothes and things to simplify as an ongoing activity.

When I reread this diary of the year after my Camino and travels I hope it will reveal some reflective themes.

Today I took Ziggy with me to the podiatrist because I could not see me getting there any other day. It meant we had an explore at The Chase Forest Hill which I discovered was well set up for Mums and kids

  

It has free trolleycars for children to make getting around with junior less painful, a really nice mother and babies room with small play zone ( presumably for breastfeeding mums with older kids) and a toilet with junior size and adult size side by side. After the podiatrist we detoured to Hays Paddock Kew for a play. Lots of dogs to pat and deep muddy puddles to explore. He has realised jumping in the puddles make you wet and he doesn't like that. However walking through them is irresistible.

I always feel it does him the world of good to get away into the natural landscape to see ducks and dogs and birds and lots of trees. We bought home some Golden Wattle sprays as a homage to Spring.

Long weekends are in the mind.

I have made a conscious effort to stick to the one thing at a time philosophy and found myself feeling so happy this week, almost euphoric. I didn't sleep so well but it didn't impact on my emotional state. I think it is also the sense of spring that is almost here. So many trees are in blossom and the wattle is coming out everywhere. We are so lucky to have flowers through our winters and spring then becomes such an explosion of blossom.

I finished last week by going out to a bar, the Gin Palace with Bill and Irene and then having a Chinese meal to follow. It was such a pleasant change of routine. We took the tram from Kew and when it stopped at the top end of Collins street we thought to have dinner at Mamasita because the queue seemed small. It is one of these trendy Mexican places but because there were three of us we had to wait till 9:30 pm before there was a table! Over two hours for goodness sake.  Anyway we dutifully left our mobile number and set off for the Gin Palace.

Irene and I had been there on our Phryne Fisher walk and it has a great atmosphere with couches and a bohemian feel. It was a buzz with youngies but undeterred we ordered our gins. We needed the torch on the phone to read the menu mind you which I felt a bit awkward about until the youngies next to us did the same! It was a very impressive gin cocktail with a price to match. All up two gins, a wine and a small bowl of olives cost us $70. Then I suggested this little Chinese place in Mid City arcade a as we were too hungry to wait till 9:30pm so by the time our call came we had already ordered and were receiving our food. It was really tasty especially the eggplant which was super delicious. The whole meal with rice. And tea came to $70!  Better value than our drinks for sure.  We wandered down to the tram stop, enjoying the city ambience of buskers and laughing groups.  We were home by 11 pm. I stayed the night and left after breakfast and the Age quiz in the morning.  That used to be a Saturday tradition when I was staying with them prior to moving into my apartment. 

I had gone prepared for a walk on Saturdaymorning but Irene was too tired and I needed to go on to lunch at Donvale(about 40mins away). 

The Wild Women of Warrandyte (where we all used to live once), have been getting together for nearly 25 years but our gatherings have become a little spasmodic over the last three years. This lunch included husbands and was a time to check in with Rebecca ( who lost her son about a month ago) and Lorraine who has just won a court case against her husband's GP who failed to diagnose his cancer and from which he died very soon after it was discovered. Life has challenges for everyone and as you get older the sense of limited time grips us all. It was a fantastic lunch and very convivial.

I was home by 6:30 pm and started preparing for Monday when I remembered it was only Saturday! What joy. I spent Sunday selecting photos for my Via de la Plata photo book. It was so enjoyable revisiting the Camino  again.  

Made a few phone calls and settled in to watch Dancing with the Stars. 

A great weekend.

One thing at a time.

Getting into the country reminded me about doing one thing at a time and I have diligently stuck to it all week. What a difference it makes to my sense of calm. I learned that lesson last year but in our hyper stimulated world it is easy to slip back to old habits.

I have had some rather uncomfortable dental work done in anticipation of receiving an implant to overcome 'galloping molars'. Sounds hilarious but the impact of such wayward teeth is  that the gap is allowing one back molar to turn horizontal and the opposite upper molar keeps coming down to meet the other. I bite my inner cheek frequently as a result so I am taking action to repair and improve the bite. In my usual gung ho way I understood the process theoretically but the actual implementation was a lot more than I bargained for.  I am now wearing a constant wad of wax over a protruding bolt to protect the inner cheek from laceration and ulceration and I needed stitches to pull the shrunken tissue up. It all just hurts a bit even five days later. One advantage is the subsequent swelling reduced a wrinkle round my mouth. I wonder if they could take the fat from my tummy and insert into my face? Voila no wrinkles! It would probably hurt like hell. I just have to love the face I've got. 

Loving my new very short hair and have decided to grow out the red colour at the front and go totally natural. At least that is easy care. I have been known to not brush my hair all day sometimes. It certainly never gets in my eyes!

Last night I finally finished a face I had been painting and feel pretty good about. I also did some more work on the pears that I started last Thursday in watercolour class.  They looked simple but they aren't as it turns out. Watercolours are so tricky but I do love the medium. The pears are looking quite okay

(from a long way away!).  My usual art class was cancelled so I decided to paint at home instead.  I was so engrossed I lost track of time.

 

Two days walking in the bush

Being back in the bush and the natural quiet is so healing. We walked to the top of Boronia Peak about 8 kms up and back. A good track though a real rock scramble at the peak. What a wonderful view it gave over the surrounding plains. 

 A bit cold at the top.

Note the rain shower.

The Grampians are sandstone primarily so incredibly shaped by wind and rain. By the time we got back down we had all decided we couldn't be bothered going out and had a late lunch and a later dinner. It was very cosy as we all read, did crosswords and watched football. Fresh air and a stiff uphill climb had absorbed all excess energy!

Kim and David with the crosswords

Looking across to where we walked while a flock of cockatoos fly up the valley. The village at Halls Gap is so quiet that kangaroos, emus and deer roam freely around the houses. They really do have kangaroos in the Main Street here.

The next day was fine and cool so we walked up to Mt Rosea which towers over Boronia Peak. This was a very rocky  but well made track of about 10 kms return. I felt a bit out of practice because I haven't done this sort of rugged walking for a couple of years when I think about it. The best bit was I wasn't puffed or struggling at any stage. I am fit at least. No stiffness at all though I took a fall on the flat when I tripped on a protruding rock. Skinned my knee and bruised my pride but otherwise unhurt. Talking too much of course!

V walking through the rocks.

 A snack on the way up.

As we had another evening meal prepared we decided again to stay in and ended up playing a very competitive game of scrabble. The weekend proved to be quite inexpensive with our home catering, own wine and nibbles and the cost of accommodation shared; well until we visited the wineries on the way home! We visited Bests which was established in the 1860s and took a tour of the cellars. Very quaint and Australian in atmosphere. Then off to Great Western for Beer of all things for Kim's son in law. It was a pleasant drive home with only another stop at Beaufort for a pie. These weekends are so special. I felt like I had been away for a week at least and returned to calm. Everyone is so easy to get along with and such fun so we laugh a lot amongst the serious discussions. Good friends are precious.

The Grampians

I have come to the Grampians, a mountain range South-west of Melbourne that was named after the Scottish mountains of the same name because it was so cold when the explorer Major Thomas Mitchell happened across them in 1836.  They stand over the surrounding plains, rugged and wild with waterfalls and majestic peaks. The stone is mainly sandstone so prone to crumbling away.  I am staying in a friends house beneath the Pinnacle a major landmark and excellent viewing spot when you walk up to it. This is my old bushwalking group and we are here to bushwalk and catch up. It has been a couple of years since we actually camped and walked together.  The arrival of grand-children and retirement has led us all in different directions over the last few years. 

Being in this sleepy town of Halls Gap is very peaceful. This morning I woke to cockatoos on the verandah. It reminds me of my old home in Warrandyte where the birds were prolific.

I slept soundly in my much loved sleeping bag( bringing sheets seemed a hassle) and listening to the house creak and ping from the expansion and retraction of the tin roof is a novelty after the quiet of the apartments. It seems alive. The weather is a little dubious, low cloud and drizzle adding to the musical sounds of the house but will be good for walking probably.

It will be good to be in nature as I have been a bit destabilised lately feeling anxious for no significant reason that I can think of. Being back teaching, procrastinating over doing a new budget, too much to do and not quite enough down time, being sick, and minding Ziggy extra days. All totally insignificant in the scheme of things but none the less niggling at me.   Jonathan said I was doing too much and I was supposed to be slowing down now I am retired.  I think he is probably correct. I am compulsive about being busy.  Walking the Camino gets me to slow down and simplify but it is such a battle to maintain the simplicity with all the threads in my life.

Back teaching and feeling the frustrations with the institute again

Last week was getting back in the swing of teaching again and bumping up against the old system that drove me mad before. I marvel at the difference I feel both psychologically and physically this year when I think about or engage in work. I still get exasperated by the snails pace of bureaucracy and the different departments not coordinating properly but I can live with it now. It doesn't make me crazy or stress me. Work has sent out two contracts for me to sign and I have to sign and initial the conditions of work as well as commit to doing the BHI induction program online. It is quite silly but I just go with the flow.It is a great relief to know I can walk anytime.. I am enjoying the research for the topic but I do think selling coffee machines might be easier. I was offered a casual job late last year as a coffe machine sales representative. It could be fun. 

 The fact that I am toying with this probably indicates I still feel like working or rather I fear leaving the workforce completely. I want to get some more savings together so I can feel more comfortable about planning more travel. Saving and spending really don't work together somehow.

All the talk about superannuation and having a million to live comfortably is unsettling. I might live for a very long time and so my super has to last most of my life. Working more means I can add to the kitty rather than take. I realise that I am still not as competent with my finances as I should be too and that disappoints me. So many things to learn. I have been putting off doing a proper budget and that is plain stupid. I have been refraining from spending and felt better for doing so. I feel more in control which is good. Why does it all have to be so complicated?

Last week was a doozy with book club, babysitting Tuesday followed by the sons coming to work at my place and then after teaching in the morning and challenging Pilates session another stint of babysitting till midnight on Wednesday. Art class Thursday followed by a trip to Box Hill to discuss course matters, gym, lecture preparation Fridayfollowed by a movie with friends. 

There was a bit of confusion over the weekend brunch plan. My son Jonathan was telling me I need to slow down and communicate more. Hmm! Probably correct.

My brother-in-law Riger who has relocated to Sydney was down for the weekend and wanted to catch up with everyone so I settled on a brunch at my place. It works well generally with Ziggy and then everyone still has the better part of the afternoon free. I had asked everyone to keep Sunday clear but because I hadn't followed up until this week the sons had organised a shoot for their Tshirt Label in a restaurant for a 12:30 start. Clare is working 6 days a week and woke with a headache, Rebecca had slept in because we had moved brunch an hour earlier so the boys could get to the shoot.

My other brother-in-law and his wife were coming and then their world turned upside down with a robbery at his work and the ongoing extra care his mother in law requires now after a hip operation and a small stroke. It is very hard for the daughters to see their mum deteriorate and they are doing a massive job alternating caring for her.  Anyway I started with 9 people and ended with 4 and Ziggy. 

I like trying new breakfast dishes. This time I did a sweet potato, spinach and leek bake with coconut milk plus pancakes with real maple syrup and strawberries.  It was delicious but while I remembered the no dairy for Roger I forgot he is also on the FODMAP diet and leeks are a no-no. I had done chicken congee as well, mainly for Ziggy but everyone wanted that too. 

I had brought out the boys old toy box and Ziggy and the 'boys' all had a great time playing with them. I even liberated the soft toys from the cage and he was thrilled to find a Goofy amongst them. It was a nice morning and everyone was able to continue with their Sunday plans.  I decided to bake for the hiking weekend  coming up and so spent the rest of the day cooking.  I had made too much quinoa for a recipe when I needed only a little bit so I wanted to use the rest somehow.  I made a sort of bread/pancake which I had for breakfast and have decided it is really tasty and filling. I had a smaller portion too which sustained me far more than muesli! It is a revelation. I had a vaguely unsettled feeling for the rest of the evening. I need to babysit  Monday as well this coming week because the other Grandmother has hurt her back.  Just as well I had done most of the lecture for Wednesday. 

I finished reading my journal from the first Camino. How our memories forget the tough bits.  I was glad to refresh my memories because I had forgotten how anxious Lyn got about accommodation towards the end. There was quite a lot of people vying for beds but we only had to walk on once and we found a magic place so it was a good outcome. Even reading my journal doesn't explain why walking a Camino leaves you feeling so happy. People ask you what you take from the experience and that is the abiding feeling-happiness and a sense of inner peace and the goodness  or godliness (?) of people. It is profound.

Got my energy back after 10 days of Bronchitis.

Being sick is such a bore and when you are on your own it makes you feel very vulnerable. I felt quite down in the dumps because I had no energy or ability to do any of the things I usually do. It is a good reminder to be grateful for good health.  Anyway two funerals didn't help my mood and by the end of the week I was very sorry for myself. I got started on preparing my lectures for the next semester, a task that doesn't make you feel very happy but needed to be done and I expected that to lift my vague anxiety. 

I am such a procrastinator and then I lost a week due to illness. I never learn. A little bit of pressure makes me more efficient in my experience. Sigh! My personality is such a burden sometimes. As soon as I think I am on top of the task I feel weird because it is unusual. I am addicted to adrenalin I suppose. 

I joined a group of people who have been on a Camino or are intending to go on one. It was such a happy night and it was so pleasant talking about our experiences knowing people really understood. It makes me want to get out there again. 

I have finished the first stage of my holiday photos which is rather exciting. Barcelona and Seville book 1. Book 2 is the actual Camino and that is going to take many pages. My ambition to include my blog or abbreviated blog is looking daunting.  My photos also seem to be in a shocking mess too.  I am a bad librarian because they are all very badly organised and I am not sure why or how that happened.

Computers are a challenge sometimes especially with digital photos. Anyway I am working on them and hopefully it will all sort out in the end.

Back to the gym tomorrow will probably hurt because I have done nothing for nearly a fortnight.  It is cold and miserable again. Well it is winter. I ca't wait till I finish Dry July. I haven't missed the alcohol all that much surprisingly but I haven't been entirely pure. Two glasses of wine for the month and a whisky. I have broken the glass every night habit and I am sure that is why I got sick! That is my story and I am sticking with it.  The cold weather makes me feel like something more full bodied than water but also interesting is how delicious water tastes especially after being sick. 

A sad farewell

Yesterday I attended the farewell for a son of a friend. It was very sad. He was an unusual person who found it difficult to fit into mainstream life. Dying so young and so unexpectedly challenges us all. His mother is so brave and the reality hasn't settled upon her yet. I remember that sense of other world, like a bad dream. The pain comes violently when reality cannot be denied any longer. When the busyness stops the hurting starts in earnest.  To lose a child is unimaginable.

A few friends went to dinner together afterwards. It was helpful talking about the feelings we experienced instead of brooding by ourselves trying to come to terms with his death. I have talked about tilting worlds and death does that. It puts us off balance for awhile. 

I came home and felt very grateful for the good health of my family and friends.

Sick

I have been struggling with a tight chest this week and the weather has been freezing too.  In the end I went to the doctor because it felt like last year in Spain. A cough and difficulty trying to get a breath. 

I tried not to take antibiotics but as soon as I started the chest began to ease. I am on soup because I feel too tired to cook anything else. 

With three people passing from this earth over the last week I felt like being a bit more attentive to my health!

The rest of the time I have done some painting and reading but really too tireddormuch else. I actually slept in the couch today!  Haven't done that for along time so I guess the body is telling me to stop!

My neighbour has just had her first tattoo at 61. Her grand children had their grandfathers signature tattooed on to their bodies and she decided she would too. It has been five years since he passed away and so they took her to their tattooist. They offered to hold her hand but she said she would be brave.

 It was a real bonding exercise for the three of them.