Boxing Day 26th December

I expected to sleep in today but woke at my usual 6:30 am.  I was so tired coming home last night I nearly fell asleep at the traffic lights on the corner of Toorak and Tooronga roads. 5 mins from home thank goodness. We had a fun day with Ziggy providing most of the entertainment with his cute ways and happy little chatter. He adores Uncle Chico(Nick) and Lindo( Rebecca Nick's partner) and played games and sat with her. She is so loving and patient with him. He was playing hide and seek and was priceless with his hands over his eyes and counting numbers erratically. We ate in Roger's backyard and he had decorated one of his trees as a Christmas tree so all the presents were under the tree. Ziggy handed them out to everyone. He has this very purposeful stance with his little arms bent and fists clenched so he runs with his arms pumping. It is very endearing. He received lots of presents and was very keen to play with his tennis racquet. He had everyone involved throwing the ball so he could hit. He managed a few. He has pretty good eye hand coordination. He had bubbles too which are always fun. Christmas is more joyous with children around. Robert came laden with gifts from he and Wanda  who remained home with her mother. Mrs Leckie is not doing so well these days which is hard for them.

We had a lovely easy day and then when everyone left Roger and I watched an episode of Game of Thrones, took a walk,  and got ready for more visitors. I am going to miss Roger when he moves to Sydney for his new job. Rogers friends came and the evening was delightful as they are lovely people and I was joined by Juliette, Roger's Korean friend and Chris's Mother Jenny down from NSW. Other couples were hosting parents as well and I was struck by how considerate and caring they were when they talked of their 'in-laws'.  It seemed they were more generous than many heterosexual couples.

More delicious food was consumed of course and wine and present swapping. They gave lovely thoughtful and some fun presents. It was an evening full of friendship and love. Roger will miss these friends very much when he moves. 

The Christmas season is starting to find new rhythms and traditions. We can't cling to the old ways but must adjust and be glad for what we can share together.

Christmas spirit

This week has been full of Christmas parties with several nights out. As well I have had dentist visits and shopping. The apartment is pretty messy with wrapping materials across the dining table. I am actually sick of the mess! I set up my LED stars as a tree on the window and I am placing presents at the base. It looks a bit festive and finally started some Christmas cooking with Christmas carols in the background. That is an old tradition I haven't visited for a long time. 

My restless heart seemed to settle once I got into the cooking and a sense of accomplishment washed over me as I wrote many Christmas cards though I realise now I may have missed a few people. It has been a bit haphazard over the last few years with work consuming most of my energies. 

Yesterday my god-daughter had a delayed birthday celebration for her 21st. She and her mum cooked up a storm with Amy ambitiously cooking seafood paella and delicious salads while Jill made two desserts and a chocolate birthday cake. Amy did a great job with the Paella. She has just finished her BA in psychology and hopes to go onto her honours year at Melbourne University and is also turning into a great cook too like her mum Jill whose desserts were scrumptious.

It was a lovely family occasion with my other cousin Pam and her daughter Kristin and her delightful, lively little girls, Steve (Jiills husband and Amy's dad) his sister and her partner and two adult children Jordan and Kassie as well as Rhys ( Amy's brother) and his pretty girlfriend Emma. 

Rhys is training to be a weight lifter and has developed huge muscles since I last saw him. He is entering a competition next year. I could have used his strength last night when I nearly tipped a jar of tomato sauce over myself in the struggle to get the lid off the jar. Some sauce went flying into the sink thank goodness  when the lid finally budged!

Kristin fell asleep on the couch amidst all the noise while the girls were playing with Jill's lone chicken. What a placid little animal allowing itself to be carted around by the girls. Full time parenting is only meant for the young and they still get tired!

I wonder about these women who start families in their late forties. How do they cope with lively children? Love conquers all I guess.

Today another party with Peter's ' cousins.  I am on a roll into Christmas now.

Christmas musings

I have been feeling a bit melancholy this week. After Sunday's lunch I have been acutely aware of my singleness. I am missing Peter and the intimacy of sharing life's incidentals. Is this still grieving or moving onto a new stage of acceptance and readiness to allow someone else into my life?

Janine thinks I haven't had enough quiet time in my life since Peter died.. Unlike her I had work and Nick living with me for awhile plus I am always so busy that she worried I didn't have enough alone time to grieve. I always believed I had time enough but now I wonder. It has been a roller coaster five years since Peter died. Do you ever stop missing someone you loved so deeply? Do you ever stop shedding tears ?  I know I am not in pain like I was. I can enjoy my lifife on so many levels but lately I have been envious I suppose of those who still have their husbands. I miss Peter. 

In helping Lee Lin explore RSVP and EHarmony dating sites I inadvertently registered on EHarmony and I have been getting these matches sent to me. I freaked out at first but then I got curious and read a few profiles. I haven't paid for access so I don't get pictures, just a brief description. I haven't communicated with anyone yet. It isn't the right time before Christmas with all the functions and socialising. I talked about it with a few girlfriends and they are all encouraging. It is scary. The idea of being with someone after all this time of being with one man and then on my own.  Still you see lots of people who have re-partnered so I shouldn't think it is weird. If you feel your husband was the love of your life, where does that leave the next person? Still that doesn't necessarily preclude having a friend I suppose.. Time will tell.

Saturday 13 December

A week of appointments. Tuesday with Ziggy in tow we collected Uncle Roger from the Freemason's hospital where he had had surgery on his nose and palate to improve his Sleep apnea. We took him shopping and then back to his place in Nth Fitzroy. Theoretically I was supposed to be looking after him but he was feeling good and so ended up making lunch for us. Probably due to morphine patch! Ziggy enjoyed being somewhere different and visiting uncle Roggie! I didn't want to leave Roger till he'd flushed his nose as relquired in case he dislodged too many scab/ clots and haemorrhaged.

That task over I took a sleepy little boy home for his afternoon nap a bit later than usual. 

Ziggy with raspberry on thumb

blowing bubbles in the garden

Next day I had an effective day writing the lectures then a Pilates clas for the first time. It was challenging and wonderful for stretching the body's muscles. I really felt the benefit and will keep it up next year as it is part of the gym.

Thursday a visit to the podiatrist to check on my foot and feel it is improving steadily. Not sore in mornings at least. 

Next stop the optometrist to check eyes. It has been two years and I feel the glasses aren't quite so effective now and my eyes water a lot when I am reading. Good news they haven't deteriorated too much but there is a small change required. Then I had a test to check for glaucoma which involves a puff of air in your eyes now instead of drops. Weird. A check for macular degeneration which was all clear. Phew. Lastly I was tested for retinal changes both the direct nerve and peripheral area. The last showed some sort of shadow which she wants me to follow up. The new machines are more sensitive and the are picking up changes earlier. It is a little concerning but not desperate. Losing your eyesight would be devastating. I reflect on how I have been enjoying the beauty of the jacaranda trees that are in glorious bloom right now around the suburbs. There frothy deep mauve flowers are so startling against the green foliage of other trees. It would be so sad not to be able to see them.

On to dinner with friends at Janine's place. Just a simple catch up but such fun and wonderful conversations. I don't get such wide ranging and thoughtful discussions very often so it is another delight in my week. Home late at midnight.

Friday morning and I decide a swim is desirable after my late night and a delayed start to the morning when Lyn rang for a catch up. We walked the Camino Frances in 2012 together and our long friendship  since primary school was strengthened even more. She lives in Sydney so we don't physically get together very often and I miss her very much. I de died to update the iPad which hasn't been done all the time I have been away and is desperate for a backup. Well that and the phone took me all day practically and now indeed to adjust to the changes.  Why do these things always take longer than you think? I wish I was much more computer savvy too. Sometimes I am not sure what I should be doing. Anyway all completed no lost information and now I need to back up the computer! It never ends. 

Tonight I am meeting Jane D and Helen L for dinner and the show 'I will eat you last ' a conversation with the agent to the stars Sue Mengas played by Miriam Margoyles. She was riveting. Such an accomplished actress she had the audience spellbound.  It was a real treat.

Saturday minding Ziggy again and Sunday lunch at Helen's Estate at Coldstream with the Wild Women of Warrandyte and partners. It was delightful and great to see everyone. Spent some more time with Lorraine afterwards and met her new dog Syd. He is a sleek black cavalier cross Labrador and just gorgeous. Makes me want a dog any yet I feel I am still not home enough. I am getting selfish. We had a dog most of our married life and it would be such good company.

Too old for hangovers

 This was a week full of activity. It started with my last art class for the year where I manged a passable still life and finally got to know one of the other would be artists. We finally got to talking a bit more personally and discovered we were both librarians! We had always felt some empathy towards each other but there was never time to really develop a friendship. I hope Louisa comes back next year as I have booked in for two classes now. Can't wait and will practice over the holiday break.

Next was Ziggy and I having a swim before playing with Abbey at the park. I wasn't sure how he felt about getting his face wet but he loves jumping in and so I will attempt to teach him to swim this summer. There are three Grannies' who attend Mini Maestros who are called the groovy grannies by the teacher! We have started to have coffee together afterwards and then go to the park. It is just as frantic as when we had our own children but we didn't do baby chinos then! In fact we rarely did the cafe scene at all. No money for that and we just all went to the park with a picnic.  We are all subject to cultural change. 

 Ziggy, Abby and Stella mauling Christmas tree.

The rest of the time I spent organising the travel for the wedding in Thailand next year and seeming to spend a lot of money. I still feel a bit anxious at times about my finances. I haven't quite got used to not having a steady income being paid by an employer rather than living off my super.

On Friday I had my first Christmas party. The apartment complex I live in has a'village community group' and we have a party every year as well as other functions during the year. It is a good way to meet new people because despite the number of residents you really don't see many around casually.  

It was a fun party and I met several new people, some are keen walkers  as well. One new friend invited a group of us back to her apartment after the dancing finished when the band packed up. That was great and I even had a dance WITH A MAN for a change! That was novel. We retired to Shelley's place and carried on with the party. She had a vynal collection and we listened to an eclectic mix of music and talked on. By the time it was midnight I knew I had to go home. We had been partying since 6:30. I was feeling a little unsteady on my feet. I haven't mixed my drinks like that for some time or felt that drunk and I was supposed to be babysitting the next day. Not a good mixture!

I crashed but my friend LeeLin was stuck in the lift with the wrong house keys and had to return to Shelley's to retrieve her own in order to get to her floor. The hazards of apartment life. 

At about 6:30 am the fire alarm went off and we were told to evacuate! I sat bolt upright in bed trying to grasp the meaning of this instruction. Still bleary eyed I grabbed my purse, a dressing gown and house keys then bounced off the walls all the way down from the 6 th floor. It was a false alarm due to fumes from the bakery in Coles downstairs and the storm that had passed over early that morning. Needless to say I heard no storm.  While I was contemplating going to the supermarket or the cafés for breakfast in my pjs Jonathan rang to say the early babysitting was not required after all but to come later. Off the hook I retreated to bed again once we were allowed to return. I had wondered whether I was actually safe to drive.   Hangovers are no fun. I couldn't even tolerate vegemite on toast. I ended up having a nutrablast veggie drink.  I have to admit I was not sparking with my usual enthusiasm and it was a pretty quiet day with Ziggy, followed by night babysitting as well while the parents enjoyed a free night at the movies. I am too old for those capers.

Sunday was very quiet until Grace and LeeLin wanted a catchup at the cafe downstairs. Sundays they have live music and we had suggested meeting there Friday night before the party evolved. It was a pleasant afternoon and a chance to get to know Grace better. We got talking about meeting men. LeeLin has been a little depressed and lonely the last few months and we have broached the subject of finding a new companion. She is widowed too but not for as long as me while Grace is divorced and much younger. We are all very nervous about exploring new relationships. 

When we left I invited LeeLin to share dinner with me and we decided to look at some of the dating websites. Another couple who live here had met this way and the wife had suggested Leelin do the same but LeeLin is too nervous and we both talked about whether we were ready to take the plunge or not.  As it turned out I half registered while we explored the sites and now I am getting 'nudges' to  give more info! I feel really awkward and unsure about further involvement so I will let it sit until I feel more ready.