What happened to Monday?

I have lost my rhythm since I came back from Mum's place and it has been so busy that I have let the blog slide.  Is that good or bad I wonder? Good because I am active and engaged in a lot of activity or bad because I am not giving myself time for reflection or just plain quirt time.  I think the latter. I have been up to Ballarat an historic, provincial town about an hour and a half west of Melbourne. My friend Janine and I decided to use our free Metro train ticket that is given to Seniors in Victoria annually to go to Ballarat to see the Archibald portraits. It is a National art competition for the best portrait of a notable or interesting person. They are usually fantastic and the exhibition travels the country and in particular to provincial towns. It was so easy by train and therefore relaxing for me as I usually drive. Janine has not got a car since returning from living in Hing Kong. We enjoyed the sensation of being tourists and seeing the town from an outsiders perspective. Ballarat was the centre of the richest goldfields in the world during the 1850's gold rush. They still mine around the area but mainly small scale. The buildings are evidence of the wealth that flowed through the town because they are really grand.

After that we headed home to Melbourne to top off the day with drinks at the rooftop bar Siglo which overlooks Parliament House.
I later went off to a Camino meet up dinner and then it has been a rolling rush towards the cruise.
I have finished marking all my student's work, took the final exam and then deposited all at work to be entered into the new system.
Jane and I are every day more pleased to be free from Box Hill and its negative vibes. We had her final farewell dinner at last and Lynne and I bought her this fabulous collectible three d printed necklace.  She was thrilled with it. We went to the ingot jewellery gallery that I had visited with her when we all went to lunch at Naked in the sky tapas bar and restaurant.

Reflections on being restless

I don't think I am dwelling on Mum's diagnosis but it probably touches deep memories of Peter's illness and also the loss of not having that person close anymore.  
It is the uncertainty I think that underpins the restlessness. In reality I like to plan ahead, even if loosely and I am ready to be flexible,  but now I just have to let the future unfold as it will. Letting go of control is always tough, even if that control is really an illusion anyway.

This mood always makes me want to throw on the backpack and go walking. I suppose it is the physical and emotional calm that walking induces and the simplifying of your life for awhile. 

Why am I such a body of contradictions? People oriented, love new experiences yet  I long for quiet and peace too.

Well it is all part of my journey, my personal Camino I suppose, to find that balance. 

Writing does make me feel calmer. 

Restless and wriggly

I got back from Queensland on Monday night.  We are all disappointed about Mum having stage 3 Cancer but it is what it is and Mum is focusing on living as well as she can for as long as she can. Her view is that she has had a good life, had a wonderful husband and family and it is better than dying slowly with Alzheimer's! She told the doctor she is not afraid of dying but of pain. He assured her that would be managed.  We are determined to go on the New Zealand Cruise which is only 30 days away now. Mum sees the oncologist next Tuesday and hopefully we will have a better idea of what lies ahead then. 

That news has unsettled me and I feel very restless this week. Tuesday I minded Ziggy as usual and I collected him from Jonathan's work, then stopped at the park on the way to my place where we met a little fellow called Lachlan. The difference this side of town is the carers are nannies not grannies. We played for a couple of hours throwing balls and then playing on the play equipment with Lachy. We stopped in at home then out again to Bounce Inc a trampoline place. The session ending before ours was full of teenagers literally bouncing off the walls, doing backflips and jumping onto boxes or up walls or into pits of foam.. High energy indeed. I had paid for both of us and so for an hour we both bounced and jumped and threw ourselves into the foam pit. It is years since I used a trampoline and I was too nervous to bounce from one to the other or off the walls. I did eventually land on my backside and I really enjoyed throwing myself into the pit. That was great fun. I was the only 'mum' bouncing. Lots of dads of course. Anyway at the end a young girl who had been doing backflips told me how impressive I was and how she hoped she would be as fit as me when she is my age! I had to chuckle and feel chuffed. Both Ziggy and I were totally worn out.

It is so good that he is now coming to my place and it has opened up a whole new lot of experiences 

Work on Wednesday then I picked up my new glasses. They look great and feel so much lighter than the older ones. They make me feel happy. That night I went to a new opera based on the David Malouf novel ' Fly away Peter'. It was very different and the music was so discordant that I didn't enjoy it much. It was interesting though. 

Next day it was an appointment to see about dry eyes and later a workshop on body corporates. I was walking past the old ANZ bank and noticed what a lovely ceiling it had. I went in to look around. It was built in1863 and was the stock exchange once. It is a treat to have the time to explore the city and its lovely buildings. Then I bumped into Maggie from the gym when I was on my way to the station. We both laughed because we each thought we looked familiar! It is odd to see people out of context.

 I went via Peter Sheppard shoes and found these shoes in my size and reduced to cost! They were so comfy I decided to buy both the black and the taupe. It was an extravagance but my patent court shoes are not staying on my feet and are tripping me up. They were very expensive Italian shoes so a fabulous bargain, two for price of one.

I feel like I have been running all week. Running away perhaps. 

Friday I bumped into my neighbour and we decided to have drinks that turned into dinner. It was really good fun. We are always meeting in the car park or passing in the lifts. I really like them both and we get on very well. 

Saturday I just couldn't settle to any of the things I should. I managed to do the washing, cleaning and finally went to Chadstone, the largest shopping centre in Melbourne,  to get a waterproof sheet so Ziggy doesn't wet the bed. It seemed like bedlam and I can never find my way around because it is so big, I hated it and Aldi didn't have the tent for sale that I had seen in the advertising which had been another reason for going.  I did manage a few short stories from the book for book club. Small achievements.

I am missing the painting and generally feeling adrift. It is a lesson in being retired. Be still, find my centre. Get organised, focused.

Mum's diagnosis

How life can be filled with so much joy and so much heartache all at the same time is endlessly intriguing to me. That mingling of good and bad, happy and sad is I think what keeps us all going. The light and shade that provides substance, depth and ultimately meaning to our lives.

Over the last week I have had so much fun with Ziggy that it has given me such a sense of the depth of my love and attachment to this glorious little being. Experiencing his complete trust as he leaps into my arms in the pool, giggling with abandon when we tickle and wrestle, hearing his little stories as he plays imaginary games and having him sleep securely at my place for a change. He and the feelings he arouse fill me with wonder.

Ziggy and his dad playing  in my lounge.

Then there is the diagnosis that has come at last to Mum. She has lung cancer but what stage is not known. We will get that  information next week. The fact that it was not confirmed in her blood but potentially still contained in the lung is good I think, though that may be just a false hope. The second specialist was very caring and sensitive, explaining so much where the first doctor did not. The first specialist had told Mum and my brother when they asked why it was taking so long to get a diagnosis that " this is real life, not TV!" and walked out of the room. His attitude offended them both. Later in the week when he rang Mum to confirm the appointment with his colleague for a further bronchioscope Mum told him how offended she was and that she thought his flippant attitude was unacceptable. He was surprised but did apologise. Go Mum! His communication skills are very poor but he did have her best interests in mind by organising a more sensitive and safer further test. Anyway I have seen the ultrasound/ bronchioscope pictures  of the mass which is the size of a golf ball and we know now. It has been very tiring for Mum having these tests and the uncertainty has been on our minds for the last month.  I don't think we are scared of the illness so much  as the prospect of pain and the anguish of seeing Mum suffering. I realise I was thinking of how compromised Peter was when his lungs were breaking down and how hard it was to get a breath and projecting that onto Mum. 

I have come up to be with her for a week at least and then I will see what needs to happen next. She has been very philosophical about the news. She feels she has had a good life and has lovely children, grand children and a great grand child and feels fortunate to have had a wonderful husband. She has no regrets but would love to see Ziggy grow older.  We have both felt that it was a better way to go than the slow decline into Alzheimers that robs you of your personality and mind. Mum's youngest sister has spent nearly 15 years declining into this oblivion such that she no longer has the language to express herself and is a veritable shell of her former self. It is ghastly to watch. And that would be more soul destroying to see happen to Mum than this lung cancer. 

 Edna and the scrabble board

She is saying that she won't have any treatment that interferes with the quality of her life so this will be an interesting discussion with the doctor. She is a remarkable woman and is held fondly in the affections of many of my friends. She has quite a fan club really because she has always been such an inspiration to so many of my friends. She has always loved young people for the freshness and fun they bring to her life. Mum would have been a great teacher. She has always encouraged others and counselled wisely. Her belief that love is the only thing that really counts, love yourself, love others, love life has been her guiding light always.

Well she is not unwell yet a so we have had our first game of scrabble already. It was a hard fought game with lots of laughing and digs at each other. There will be a lot more of that.

My elder brother has been wonderful, the rock as his name implies, that has supported Mum while this has been going on.  His wife has poor health and is thin as a crisp but he is strong and sensible and very down to earth and has taken her and Mum to all the appointments.  He says he is pretty good at finding his way around hospitals now! 

I have had the strangest thoughts this morning. There are a lot of crows around Mum's place and waking to their incessant cawing is quite horrible. I thought while half asleep that a slingshot would be a good thing! Then I started to feel sorry for them. They are such intelligent birds that it must be awful for them to only be able to make such a boring raucous call. All the little birds have such pretty trills or the magpies have a glorious warble but the crow just makes noise. 

Orthodontists have a good life.

This week the orthodontist attached the wires to my back tooth to get it to straighten up so the implant will sit correctly.  It was quick to do but I feel it everyday and the wax I was using to cushion my cheek has been replaced with some sort of silicon so is more permanent. Even so I am finding it very uncomfortable and dread this for the next several months. I have to go back immediately I feel it has loosened so I am terrified every time I clean my teeth that I am doing something wrong. The wire catches food all the time so cleaning it is necessary. 

My austerity drive has gone out the window. This week will be better. At least I got the full refund from my health insurance which eased the agony. Glasses were not so good a refund so quite out of pocket  for them. Refund on photography and art classes will be nice too.

Waiting for news

I have disengaged myself from all my commitments except work so I can race off to be with Mum when we finally get the news. Results of further tests are still to come ( this Tuesday) which seems to indicate the issue may not be as serious as we were all led to expect in the beginning. I hope I am not being Pollyanna in this.  I am selfish enough to start getting a bit annoyed at the delay. I really wanted to do the photography course and the art class is such a good discipline and a joy even if I don't get enough practice in during the week.

In my typical optimistic outlook I am seeing this freeing up as an unexpected bonus to reconsider what really matters to me and where I want to really focus my time and energy. I feel I should go up to mum anyway because the whole waiting thing has been more stressful than the actual cause I think. 

This weekend has been the first Grand Final public holiday and it has left me with a weird feeling. Friday isn't usually a public holiday except for Xmas or Easter but the impact on me is really negligible anyway as I usually don't have much on Fridays. I spent it working on 'the Lectures' and have finally got to the last information one, now to write revision and exams. I will be glad to have that pressure off, even though I have found it interesting. 

I then took in a Movie'Holding the man' with Janine followed by dinner. The movie was so powerful and intense and sad. A story about two young men from Xavier College who embarked on an intense love affair and eventually died of AIDS. It was when homosexuality was not accepted,, and so there was this sense of impending doom all the way through. Also the AIDS epidemic was rife and I realised how I have forgotten how awful that was and is. The tenderness and loss of the men affected us both so we were glad to digest it all over dinner. It was a stark contrast to 'the Intern' which I had seen the day before. That was lighthearted and yet had some salient comments to make on the modern world and relationships.

Irene has been trying to FaceTime without success and it turns out they have been having huge problems with technology. I am amused that they want to keep in touch so soon but I understand the desire to share the experience  but on the other hand I had similar problems in Spain and found it frustrating.  Being caught between two worlds is no fun. 

I had a great time at the Zoo with Ziggy this week. I feel like our days are just getting richer all the time. I love him so much. These little people just worm their way into your heart and soul and become a part of you. Leaving him for a long holiday will be more of a wrench next year than I counted on. 

 Ziggy astride water buffalo at the elephant enclosure. The zoo has a free range Lemur exhibition and when I was kneeling to tie up Ziggy's shoelace one tried to jump on my back. Just being curious. I loved it.

Having more un structured time to myself that usual is probably good for me.  I know I tend to think of Peter more and there is a longing for his company that is present. It isn't painful just a void. 

I finally did my Tax return and it actually arrived in my bank account yesterday. A week is impressive and just in time to pay for my new glasses. My everyday red ones lost the arm again and when I asked if it could be repaired (again) they said the spring was broken and it was not repairable. I had it done at another place last time and it cost me $100 and over a week without them so I elected to buy a new pair. It is a shame I couldn't keep the lenses for the new pair but... A small fortune later I have bought gorgeous red sort of cats eye shaped, incredibly light weight frame, lightweight lenses with all the preventive guff. I wear them all the time so I figure I get the value and she did give me $100 discount rather than the free sunglasses I could have got. The frames were originally $745 and the lenses were $600!! 

It seems ridiculous when you get spec savers for much less but they are much lighter to wear which is an issue for me. I do wonder if cheaper glasses would be just as good especially when people get by with chemist magnifiers. They don't work for long distance though that is my justification. The last ones cost a lot as well and I figured about $2 a day over the length of their life. They didn't last as well as the previous ones (French and very stylish even now) which I am now wearing and have had for 10 years with a lense upgrade over that time. These new ones might have to see me out!! I will post a photo when I get them.

Birthday parties are chaotic

Life is rolling past very fast at the moment. Still don't know Mum's fate  and in the meantime I have been busy with work and a couple of extra meetings at work to try to get set to go up to Qld if I am needed. I am realising how 'involved' I am with art classes, work, and a photography class due to start.  If I have to go up to Queensland I need to be free to leave so  I have been organising refunds or transfers to other classes and I feel a real tug at my heart leaving Ziggy. We have been having the best time on our Tuesday's together. His imagination is so vibrant. 

Last week it was a mini monster in the botanical gardens we were playing with. A group of Chinese tourists must have thought I was completely looney talking to imaginary monster dads about taking his mini monster to the children's gardens with us!

The big excitement is that Jetstar released incredibly cheap flights to Japan.  I booked flights to Tokyo so we can go on the Komano Kodo trek. I have persuaded Kim & David, Bill & Irene and Anne to join me. It isn't till May next year but the flights were so cheap we just had to do it. Now I am doing my Japanese research. It was all such a flurry because the flights go so quickly!

On Saturday it was Ziggy's party for his third birthday. The theme was Teenage mutant ninja turtles so there were ninja turtle masks and cloth eye masks. The party was held at the park and his friends from Childcare were invited. They are a lovely little multicultural group of girls and boys and there parents as well as the aunts, uncles family friends and the Grandmothers.

Trying to keep an eye on a plethora of kids, slipping down the fast slide with different kids( their parents couldn't fit or weren't keen) and listening to the squeals of delight and feigned fear as they ran helter skelter made it a quite tiring affair. The food was almost healthy pizzas with ninja turtle printed on the boxes courtesy of Jonathan's graphic skills, lots of really delicious salads which the kids ate and fruit sliced. Then a box of ninja turtle donuts for the cake and later small packets of popcorn. Not a sweet or fairy bread in sight.  The kids had a ball and the parents enjoyed themselves too. I only realised Champagne was on offer when I got home! As the party drew to a close Ziggy asked me to come home to play with his toys. He was so sweet. I left the family after we had all had stiff coffees to go on to the movies with a friend. A Big day.

Guarding the donutsPlaying under the fountain 

 The after party wind down with the girls.