Mum's diagnosis

How life can be filled with so much joy and so much heartache all at the same time is endlessly intriguing to me. That mingling of good and bad, happy and sad is I think what keeps us all going. The light and shade that provides substance, depth and ultimately meaning to our lives.

Over the last week I have had so much fun with Ziggy that it has given me such a sense of the depth of my love and attachment to this glorious little being. Experiencing his complete trust as he leaps into my arms in the pool, giggling with abandon when we tickle and wrestle, hearing his little stories as he plays imaginary games and having him sleep securely at my place for a change. He and the feelings he arouse fill me with wonder.

Ziggy and his dad playing  in my lounge.

Then there is the diagnosis that has come at last to Mum. She has lung cancer but what stage is not known. We will get that  information next week. The fact that it was not confirmed in her blood but potentially still contained in the lung is good I think, though that may be just a false hope. The second specialist was very caring and sensitive, explaining so much where the first doctor did not. The first specialist had told Mum and my brother when they asked why it was taking so long to get a diagnosis that " this is real life, not TV!" and walked out of the room. His attitude offended them both. Later in the week when he rang Mum to confirm the appointment with his colleague for a further bronchioscope Mum told him how offended she was and that she thought his flippant attitude was unacceptable. He was surprised but did apologise. Go Mum! His communication skills are very poor but he did have her best interests in mind by organising a more sensitive and safer further test. Anyway I have seen the ultrasound/ bronchioscope pictures  of the mass which is the size of a golf ball and we know now. It has been very tiring for Mum having these tests and the uncertainty has been on our minds for the last month.  I don't think we are scared of the illness so much  as the prospect of pain and the anguish of seeing Mum suffering. I realise I was thinking of how compromised Peter was when his lungs were breaking down and how hard it was to get a breath and projecting that onto Mum. 

I have come up to be with her for a week at least and then I will see what needs to happen next. She has been very philosophical about the news. She feels she has had a good life and has lovely children, grand children and a great grand child and feels fortunate to have had a wonderful husband. She has no regrets but would love to see Ziggy grow older.  We have both felt that it was a better way to go than the slow decline into Alzheimers that robs you of your personality and mind. Mum's youngest sister has spent nearly 15 years declining into this oblivion such that she no longer has the language to express herself and is a veritable shell of her former self. It is ghastly to watch. And that would be more soul destroying to see happen to Mum than this lung cancer. 

 Edna and the scrabble board

She is saying that she won't have any treatment that interferes with the quality of her life so this will be an interesting discussion with the doctor. She is a remarkable woman and is held fondly in the affections of many of my friends. She has quite a fan club really because she has always been such an inspiration to so many of my friends. She has always loved young people for the freshness and fun they bring to her life. Mum would have been a great teacher. She has always encouraged others and counselled wisely. Her belief that love is the only thing that really counts, love yourself, love others, love life has been her guiding light always.

Well she is not unwell yet a so we have had our first game of scrabble already. It was a hard fought game with lots of laughing and digs at each other. There will be a lot more of that.

My elder brother has been wonderful, the rock as his name implies, that has supported Mum while this has been going on.  His wife has poor health and is thin as a crisp but he is strong and sensible and very down to earth and has taken her and Mum to all the appointments.  He says he is pretty good at finding his way around hospitals now! 

I have had the strangest thoughts this morning. There are a lot of crows around Mum's place and waking to their incessant cawing is quite horrible. I thought while half asleep that a slingshot would be a good thing! Then I started to feel sorry for them. They are such intelligent birds that it must be awful for them to only be able to make such a boring raucous call. All the little birds have such pretty trills or the magpies have a glorious warble but the crow just makes noise.