1Sept Back in Melbourne

Mum has been more comfortable since being in hospital. The oxygen has made a difference to her existence but not her resilience. She is still not eating enough and so her strength continues to decline. We are noticing her memory is becoming affected too. She is still bright and happy but very tired. Mum still brightens with champagne however. A real champagne Charlie is Mum. She is famous for her statement" there is no time when champagne is not appropriate!".

Tim has taken over the vigil while I am back in Melbourne for Jonathan 's wedding. I am missing Cousin Tracey's ability to see signs all around us. It adds so much spirituality to your day. 

I bought a new pair of light coloured high heels for the dress which I feel so glamorous in and look great with the dress. I just need to get it steamed again to remove a pleat in the lining which interferes with the line. I feel set now for the wedding. Just the speech to be written.

I decided to have my face waxed in anticipation of the make up experience on Saturday but it has been disastrous. I have been left with a huge red mark on my cheek as if I have had the skin burnt. I am quite distressed. I will need concealer to cover it. Oh vanity!

I have also been to the dentist for the installation of the titanium screw for my implant. That was quite a traumatic experience listening to the drill penetrating my jawbone. I had no pain and I have only minor swelling so that is good but I wouldn't want to do more than one in the chair! I felt faint over the bill too even though I had had the quote. Fortunately I can pay it off over three payments and the health insurance has been reasonable in returns. It is still the cost of an airfare to Europe or almost anywhere!

The good news is I had won $87 on tattslotto which is the most winning s for ages.  I need to chase the Brisbane airport parking double charge refund. All little chores but little time to complete them. I have to be very focused to get through the various tasks or the time will run away. 

I made a quick trip to the gym and was so warmly greeted by everyone I was so uplifted. I just wanted to keep them informed of my circumstances and they were so accommodating by maintaining my suspension. EFM and the staff rock at East Hawthorn.  

Now for the Tax return!

August 25 Greenslopes hospital

I arrived yesterday at the hospital and unfortunately rolled forward to allow post in the BMW and cracked the number plate cover. Gee whiz I am a hazard with these blinking cars. I miss my Subaru. 

My brother Peter was with Mum and we had a catch up. Mum had been showered and was feeling really weary as the day wore on. The occupational therapist arrived and then the physiotherapist came and had mum walk up the corridor to test her oxygen levels. They dropped while exercising and bounced up fairly quickly once she rested( all while using oxygen) but that was enough to wear her out and she slept quite deeply in stints of half hours. Mum didn't eat much and certainly wasn't drinking much either. All this assessment is about how she and I would manage if and when she returns home. I still have a concern about being up every couple of hours at night though if I can rest during the day I can probably manage it. 

I am recovering here at Tracey and Johns place with good nights sleep. I am tired still and a massage would be welcome. I was going to walk to the hospital today but I feel like I have let it get too late. It will take an hour at least and I want to be there about 10. Yesterday I left about 4:30 and returned with John and Tracey. Mum was rather disoriented because she had slept soundly and thought she had slept all day!

August 23 the end is near

Yesterday I rang the oncologist because I was concerned about Mum and my ability to keep her safe during the nights. I have been up every two hours most nights to help her toilet and she is getting weaker. My brothers and I are concerned about her comfort now.  Just moving her in bed is hard. When I spoke to the oncologist she immediately said she would admit her to hospital. I was a little shocked and distressed as I am reluctant to hand her over. It feels like I am hastening her end and yet she hates her present state and we hate seeing her like this. She isn't the vibrant dynamic Edna. She often remarks on the blessing of a quick fatal heart attack! 

Her painting buddies came as usual and both Julie and Denise said they goodbyes. They were both upset and shed tears. Their painting and friendship has spanned over 30 years.

The next morning waiting for a cab that was late convinced me I am doing the correct thing. Mum was near collapse by the time she got to the hospital ward even though she hadn't done a thing other than get dressed and waited.

The hospital took her blood pressure( low!) and she takes blood pressure tablets. Xrayed her chest, checked her oxygen( low 88%)  and took blood. The oncologist came soon after this was sorted and explained to mum that she would be kept comfortable. I find the oncologist pragmatic? But certainly not very sympathetic to me or interested in any discussion of the emotional state of either Mum or me. Not unkind but not very feeling either it seems

 Anyway I finally had the discussion with Mum about dying. She hadn't seemed to grasp that she was getting close to the end somehow. But how long is so arbitrary. Do we ever know? Mum said it was a matter of time and that she didn't want to leave us. She is not afraid of death but of the process of dying. I assured her she had raised three strong capable human beings and that we had each other and a lot of support and we would be okay. She must not worry about us.  We don't want her to go but we have no choice in the matter and we hate seeing her suffer like this. Edna is not in pain but the lack of breath is distressing to her as is her declining strength. We talked about not fighting the process. She is so afraid of not getting her breath that we laughed about that probably being the time she falls off her perch. We talked about her seeing Dad again and her beloved sisters and brothers. Mum has a strong faith so that is comforting to her. I said she must send a message back to me but to make it really obvious like a hit on the head because I will probably be so busy I mightn't notice! We laughed and then spent the rest of the day just talking and watching TV together. She hardly slept so I hope she sleeps soundly during the night. I had so many phone calls during the afternoon it was quite busy. It was very nice to have food arrive, which I shared with mum because she really only ate the icecream and half a mandarin. Not having to think about that was a relief.

Tracey(Mum's God-daughter and niece) and husband John rang and suggested they take me to dinner and then home so they could pick up my suitcase because I am going to stay with them. Their place is closer to the hospital. I just couldn't make any decisions beyond that yesterday because I was so tired. I will deal with Tim's car etc later. I will miss seeing Peter as often but I will be going to the hospital most of the time and we will catch up there. This is hard for all of us but particularly for him because his wife has also been diagnosed with stage 1 lung cancer. 

Tracey and John took me to their favourite Italian restaurant and I ate delicious pasta and drank lots of red wine and a couple of Limoncellos. It was very relaxing. Just what I needed. We returned to Edens Landing where I threw my clothes in the suitcase and gave it to them to take in exchange for a set of keys to the  their apartment and car. They are very generous to me. By now I have a hoarse voice from my cold and exhaustion. After they left I sat and watched TV for awhile and finally cut my nails. It is peaceful and then to bed where I slept all night. Luxury.

August 19 Edens Landing

It has been a hard week so far. Mum has needed a lot of help and her eating has diminished.  As she became more rested after returning from Tim's place at Southport her appetite has improved slightly. I have been trying to cook tasty meals and give her little titbits over the day. She had seemed brighter and we have been reminding her to breathe slower and through her nose. That has meant fewer panic attacks. The GP Dr Anthony Ting came on Wednesday but apart from checking her blood pressure and reducing her blood pressure tablets and setting the aged care assessment team in motion, there was little comfort for mum. She is afraid of not getting her breath and suffocating. He gave her some anti anxiety tablets for the night. 

Jill has been such a help and the company has been a relief. I can get out for a little bit to the shops etc for groceries. 

I have found getting into my swimsuit to shower mum works best. I can stand closer and not strain my back. We have got a good system going now. 

The anti- anxiety tablets made mum groggy and she slipped out of bed on the Thursday night. I couldn't get her up and needed Jill to help me. That was a reality check for me and I realised I needed to get up every time she went to the toilet.she has been using the walker but the effort is still so exhausting that it won't be long before she can't do this either. I am extra vigilant but it means getting up every couple of hours through the night. I am getting tired and seem to have come down with a cold now which is not helpful. Jill goes back on Saturday so I will be managing on my own again.

She has only got out of bed to go to the toilet except for two times this week after which she was exhausted. All activity is a huge effort and I fear she is developing a bed sore. I need to shut her every two hours to prevent that but I need help to do it properly. Even putting a cushion under her right buttock to shift the pressure is too hard. 

I will need to speak to the oncologist about more assistance. The nights are what I find most difficult because I get no rest during the day either.

August 17 Edens landing.

I returned on Sunday from my jaunt to Melbourne. It was such a lovely break. Busy as usual. I had a dentist appointment and that was quick but required a further consultation which was for the next stage of the implant process. I have made another appointment just before the wedding. I hope I don't have a swollen face!

Next came a massage from Jan who was shocked at the state of my shoulder muscles. I knew I was tense but hadn't realised how physically bad I was. I felt very groggy after her treatment though physically looser. Next came the hairdresser and I made arrangements for a hair and face treatment on the day of the wedding. I am growing it a little on top so it looks a little different. Then it was dinner with Janine at the London. 

 Friday was a rush of house cleaning, mail sorting and bill paying. I finally dropped three bags of clothes at the op shop and felt good about that. Then it was packing for my return again.  Rob had come down to see me also which was a treat and we went to a movie and dinner. He didn't like the movie much but that gave us cause to discuss our different points of view. He stayed over and left the next morning. I also had an early start because it was the hens day for Clare and I needed to be across at North Melbourne by 10 am. We both took a train, me to avoid parking issues and he because he had come by train in the first place. 

It was a very merry band of girls who boarded the bus to Polperro winery at Red Hill. The restaurant was charming and food delicious and ample. What I thought was going to be three choices from a set menu turned out to be platters of all three from which we could select. Entre, main and dessert! It was a clever way to deal with a table of 16 and it was very generous so we were so very full. Everything was delicious.

A wine tasting was included which was interesting but we were very noisy as you can imagine. After the obligatory photos we headed off to the Seamstress bar back in Melbourne. That was a little frustrating as there was only one bar attendant and so he was slow with the drinks. The place missed an opportunity there! Next we moved on to Karioke. That was a new experience for me. Small rooms full of groups singing there hearts out and dancing. Great fun.by 11pm I was done and took the train home as I was flying back to Brisbane in the morning. A whirlwind visit. 

bride to be and best friend

Regina ( Clare's mum in blue) Priscilla  Clare's Cousin and me, mother of the groom.

August 6

Watching the Olympic opening and Mum not overly impressed. She is really really tired today. The whole week just took it out of her. She is also a little irritable which is not her usual self. Mum is so annoyed at her failing strength. I feel alarmed at her decline this week. 

I haven't heard from my elder brother either and feel anxious about his wife. I have rung but no response yet. I am laughing as Mum says about the Olympic flame, light the damn thing. At last! 

Her comments that it was a long time  to get the games going, a long-winded affair!

I am back walking in the mornings because I was feeling so tired and sluggish. Mum is getting very tired and sleeping more and more.

August 3

The day's slip by easily as we gradually find a rhythm together. Last Sunday we had a multitude of visitors which proved exhausting to Mum despite her pleasure in seeing them all. Firstly cousin Tracey and husband John dropped in for a quick visit which was great for me too as they shared a little book of photos from their Camino Frances.  Soon they were followed by nephew Scott, his Mother Patti and girlfriend Heidi. Tracey and John departed and the others stayed for lunch and in the hope of seeing Jonathan and Clare and Ziggy. They were up for a wedding at Noosa but were coming to see Mum too. Unfortunately they were not leaving Noosa till later than expected so the others left around 4pm. By now Mum was looking really tired and I suggested a rest until Jonathan and Clare arrived. 

Eventually we had dinner and they turned up about 8 pm.  Ziggy was so chirpy it really lifted mum's spirits. Lots more talking and then we were all tired and went to bed. Mum shared my room that night and didn't sleep so well in the single bed. I was conscious of her breathing and didn't sleep too well either. We were both overexcited as well.

Next morning they spent with Mum before leaving about 10:30 to catch their flight. The painting ladies had arrived in time to meet the " golden child Ziggy" and so Mum was happy but thoroughly exhausted. I sent her off to bed where she slept soundly for an hour or so. When she woke she had recovered somewhat but it was a lesson to me that even visitors are exhausting and need to be tempered.

Tuesday we went to the oncologist. The taxi came as ordered and was driven by a young Pakistani student who was charming and an entertaining conversationalist. He is working to get his points for permanent residence and loves life in Australia. His English was good and barely accented which he attributed to talking to so many seniors while driving the taxi.

At the hospital I found a wheel chair and proceeded to the X-rays department befor retracing our route and heading to Dr Belinski, the oncologist in the specialist wing. Using the wheelchair was such a help for mum. The doctor noted the tumour had not grown much and that mum's oxygen levels were 98% and therefore she didn't warrant supplementary oxygen. It didn't explain her breathlessness very well except that her body is just wearing out at 92 and with cancer. The doctor mentioned that any chest infections now would likely kill her and even with antibiotics she was likely to fail. She also asked what Mum wanted to do about the end of life stage, to stay home or go into palliative care? I said I was here for as long as needed and that we wanted to keep mum home as long as we could manage her needs. The doctor was very forthright and said we only had about two or three months and that Mum would just get more and more breathless. 

We were accepting of this as it isn't new and after returning home we played a couple of games of scrabble and just got on with life. Mum is much reassured to have constant company and I feel content to be here. I updated my brothers and we all recognised that despite our calm we are all going to be devastated when the time comes. My elder brother Peter has further worry with his wife also extremely unwell. Ann has been in and out of hospital  over the last six weeks eventually having a feeding tube inserted into her stomach to try to supplement her meals and build her up from her extreme underweight. The doctors have suspicion that she may have something sinister in her lungs too so she is back in hospital to investigate that. She has been a heavy smoker and drinker for years so we would not be surprised if she also has lung cancer but it is a heavy burden for my brother.

I miss my friends and my life at home  in Melbourne but I am glad to be here. 

One of the funny things is working through Mum's pantry and fridge. It is a standing joke that she could live out of both for a months if there was a food crisis. Mum always says in her defense she is a farmer's daughter and a well stocked pantry is usual as well as the fact she is not able to just pop out for groceries. She does go shopping once a week however! While looking for some meat for dinner in the freezer I found a plastic container of dark purple 'something'! I defrosted it to discover it was mulberries from mum's tree in the old house! They have been there for seven years but I cooked them up and we had them with ice cream as dessert and they were fine. The next night Peter came for dinner and I 'liberated' a pack of beef for stir fry and followed that with the rest of the mulberries supplemented with apple as a mulberry and apple crumble. The beef was not so good as it had been frost burnt I think even though it was only six months old! Super aged beef. Mulberry and apple crumble delicious. There are dints in the fridge and pantry beginning to appear.  I have to be subtle though so as not to offend Mum.