Her painting buddies came as usual and both Julie and Denise said they goodbyes. They were both upset and shed tears. Their painting and friendship has spanned over 30 years.
The next morning waiting for a cab that was late convinced me I am doing the correct thing. Mum was near collapse by the time she got to the hospital ward even though she hadn't done a thing other than get dressed and waited.
The hospital took her blood pressure( low!) and she takes blood pressure tablets. Xrayed her chest, checked her oxygen( low 88%) and took blood. The oncologist came soon after this was sorted and explained to mum that she would be kept comfortable. I find the oncologist pragmatic? But certainly not very sympathetic to me or interested in any discussion of the emotional state of either Mum or me. Not unkind but not very feeling either it seems
Anyway I finally had the discussion with Mum about dying. She hadn't seemed to grasp that she was getting close to the end somehow. But how long is so arbitrary. Do we ever know? Mum said it was a matter of time and that she didn't want to leave us. She is not afraid of death but of the process of dying. I assured her she had raised three strong capable human beings and that we had each other and a lot of support and we would be okay. She must not worry about us. We don't want her to go but we have no choice in the matter and we hate seeing her suffer like this. Edna is not in pain but the lack of breath is distressing to her as is her declining strength. We talked about not fighting the process. She is so afraid of not getting her breath that we laughed about that probably being the time she falls off her perch. We talked about her seeing Dad again and her beloved sisters and brothers. Mum has a strong faith so that is comforting to her. I said she must send a message back to me but to make it really obvious like a hit on the head because I will probably be so busy I mightn't notice! We laughed and then spent the rest of the day just talking and watching TV together. She hardly slept so I hope she sleeps soundly during the night. I had so many phone calls during the afternoon it was quite busy. It was very nice to have food arrive, which I shared with mum because she really only ate the icecream and half a mandarin. Not having to think about that was a relief.
Tracey(Mum's God-daughter and niece) and husband John rang and suggested they take me to dinner and then home so they could pick up my suitcase because I am going to stay with them. Their place is closer to the hospital. I just couldn't make any decisions beyond that yesterday because I was so tired. I will deal with Tim's car etc later. I will miss seeing Peter as often but I will be going to the hospital most of the time and we will catch up there. This is hard for all of us but particularly for him because his wife has also been diagnosed with stage 1 lung cancer.
Tracey and John took me to their favourite Italian restaurant and I ate delicious pasta and drank lots of red wine and a couple of Limoncellos. It was very relaxing. Just what I needed. We returned to Edens Landing where I threw my clothes in the suitcase and gave it to them to take in exchange for a set of keys to the their apartment and car. They are very generous to me. By now I have a hoarse voice from my cold and exhaustion. After they left I sat and watched TV for awhile and finally cut my nails. It is peaceful and then to bed where I slept all night. Luxury.
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