Reflections in the past

I was showing my grandson Ziggy the dogs that we used to have. My beautiful bearded collie, Cassie, a gentle giant, then came Poochie, a stray of mixed origins ( probably a terrier cross) that wandered into our home and our hearts. He used to get into bed with Jonathan( Ziggy's Dad). The photos of Poochie in bed with him are funny. I had to explain that Jonathan was sure Pooch was really a little boy. That dog was so tolerant of the kids. Jonathan used to put a Tshirt on him! Then there was Minty, the Maltese terrier who was a white fluff ball full of assertive small dog personality and a great companion.

Looking over the family photos and showing Ziggy his dad as a young boy brought back so many tender memories. It has left me feeling a little sad. I just missed Peter all over again. We were so lucky to have had such a complete relationship. I miss being cherished and cherishing him. Despite the freedom we experienced in our relationship that gave us room to follow our own interests there was always an invisible connection that bound us to each other willingly and wholeheartedly. 

Exploring the world without him is so different. I am stronger and more confident for the experience but  

the chance of finding another person and building such a relationship seems so daunting and just like  hard work. Am I as willing to fit in with someone else to achieve that meeting of two hearts now? Have I become set in my ways? Life has become more complex than when I was 20!

Having an interaction with my artist friend is very pleasant, and his company is enjoyable. He is a really nice person but he doesn't believe in love. Or rather he professes to never ever having fallen in love and is wary of commitment. I feel he is lacking a dimension but he thinks people get together because of societal pressures and nothing deeper. It is a fundamental difference which I find difficult to comprehend. Having said that, he has got his swag out for me to sleep in next time I visit because I wanted to sleep out under the stars which are so bright at his place. He is very thoughtful and kind and  rings often, so if deeds mean anything,  he is developing feelings. A long distance relationship is challenging and will develop differently to a relationship where you see each other several times a week. It just highlights  what I am missing since Peter passed away. I even had a bit of a cry tonight. I feel better for the release of pent up emotions. Time will tell and I resolve to enjoy what is as is.

The joy and sorrow

A friend from the gym was telling me how an open coffin at a funeral had disturbed her so she couldn't sleep the following night. I was a little surprised at her response. I have had a few experiences and feel that it makes the passing of somebody more real,  especially for those who haven't seen the person during their illness.  The swift removal of the deceased and then never seeing them seems to me like magic. I suggested that seeing the body gives you a chance to say final good byes or just place the event into something comprehensible. When Peter died I made sure the boys saw him before he was taken by the undertakers and then we had a viewing later so they could leave personal messages with him and also Peter's brothers had a chance to say their goodbyes. It felt like the right thing to do and a way to let go somehow. The memory is then of someone at peace rather than in anguish. It seemed to give her a different perspective and ease her unsettled feelings.

On the joyful side my friend Sherryn is walking the Via de la Plata and her posts on Facebook are bringing back such fond memories. I am so hungry for each new post. She seems to be having a fine time and has found some amenable walking companions. It has given me itchy feet again. 

Jonathan and Clare have decided to have a black and white wedding. That is, all guests are to wear either black or white or a combination of both. It is going to be a very elegant affair it seems. I have been looking on line for dresses to get an idea of what I could wear. It is going to be fun shopping and agonising too I suspect.

I am losing track

It has been the busiest couple of weeks. I had a lovely couple of days up at Rob's place and have begun to learn how to cook on the AGA or wood stove. Met a few more of his artist friends when we went to dinner at the local pub. Food was fairly ordinary but the company was good and we had a really pleasant evening. It was quite an adventure getting home. Thanks to Rob's experience we avoided all the kangaroos leaping into the road, wombats scuttling and rabbits darting. The night was alive with all these animals. Later the stars were magical. It is one of the things I love most about being at his place. Next time I am going to sleep out in the swag so I can really enjoy the view. It is getting cold now so I will need to take my warmest sleeping bag!

After my return Mum and my brother Peter came down for a Deppeler( my Mum's maiden name) family reunion. 150 descendants of my great grandfather John Freidrich Deppeler and his sister gathered to celebrate our heritage. It was a fantastic day and Mum was so thrilled to see everyone and her old home, primary school and local church. It was lovely to have time with my brother too. 

We took Ziggy out of day care too so Mum could have some time with him. It was a very busy but enjoyable day. On the Saturday I went to the local farmers market with Peter and we bought lots of colourful and unusual vegetables and some Jonathan apples for Mum. She is always complaining the apples in Qld are tasteless. She wasn't disappointed by the apples which was a relief. I was worried she had exaggerated the deliciousness of apples from her home farm.

I have had visitors for dinner this week and thoroughly enjoyed cooking a new recipe of Peri Peri Pork. I was really well organised and had everything in order  and time to spare ( most unusual!). I did forget to turn off the soup which reduced to a lovely concentrated green sludge!. I had it for dinner the next night with pasta. Three greens( spinach, kale and silver beet) and a green salad. 

I am on schedule for another accreditation trip to Brisbne this time after I return from Japan.

I am doing a 16 km walk around  the Olinda circuit, which is hilly as a training walk for Japan.

How time flies

I am returning from Parkes NSW, home of the Dish. The satellite dish is the iconic tourist site in Parkes a town in central western NSW. I have been visiting the TAFE there as part of a course accreditation committee. I have only ever driven through before and this visit though brief, gave me a sense of the town. They have an amazing vibrant Public Library here and have made a huge impact on the culture of the region. The people we met are doing incredible work and just love living here. The woman who has built the course is so impressive and her team work so well. She has six kids and 7 grandchildren and  is the warmest, most generous person and teacher and is being exploited by the TAFE. We women allow this to happen all the time because we love what we do and would rather do it than fight for the correct valuing of our work. We are foolish. The course is not sustainable without her and the management would have to pay two people at least to do the work she does. It is scandalous. What successive governments have done to the TAFE system is trash it and the staff bear the brunt.

I am having to catch up a few busy weeks.

There have been lots of movies, mostly sad! The Daughter, an Australian film was excellent but harrowing. Brooklyn was good and more optimistic.

A novel way to treat an old VW!

The international flower and garden show was fun. I attended with Anthea Shem and had her husband Lawrie and his friend staying. The men went to the Grand Prix instead. Lots of dinners and breakfasts!

My dental work is progressing very slowly which is irritating. I have to keep clearing debris from my brace on the lower tooth. My tongue is always seeking the odd bits.

Last week I took Ziggy to Childcare to attend the  Creepy Critters show. We touched all sorts of insects, saw spiders, held a frog and were draped with a snake. I am usually terrified but I found it fascinating instead. Perhaps because it was in such a non threatening environment.  

Unfortunately Childcare is a germ factory and I came down with a bronchial thing and spent Easter feeling miserable!

Our trip to Japan is all paid for and we are now researching the benefits of a rail pass. It is very complicated and seems confusing. No doubt it will all become clear as we learn more. We have got the booking for the moss gardens which we had to apply for prior to arrival. We have to do some meditation before we are allowed into the gardens to put us in the correct frame of mind! We have been walking on most weekends in preparation for the Kumano Kodo part. Irene has researched every place we are staying. I am more laissez faire about it and feel like I have too much else happening now to bother. 

Went to the Nicci Sava launch of Road to Ruin about former Prime Minister Abbot and Peta Credlin his chief of staff. It was very interesting. I thought she might be critical of the Turnbull Government ( we all are!)yet she seemed to have a clearer perspective and was more patient than us.

The big drama is that Nick has broken with Rebecca. He is devastated because he felt he had met 'the one'.  He has come home of course and will stay till he goes to America on the 14 th April. It is kind of nice to have him home but the circumstances are not good. Time will tell if they get back together. I just keep out of it and try to soothe and be the sensible sounding board. I am sorry though because I really like her and she has been wonderful for Nick.

I had to go to Parkes, N.S.W.  for the ALIA accreditation visit to Western TAFE and it was nice to meet the group again. Bob had to leave early because his mother died suddenly. She was very old but you are never prepared. I returned this morning and flew home only to add some warm gear to the bag and then I was out the door again with a 15 minute turn around.

Now I am on the train to Bairnsdale to meet up with Rob. I decided not to drive because I would be arriving in the dark and I was nervous I would get lost, it is raining and I was up at 4:30 am this morning and would be so tired. This is way more relaxing even  though getting home from the airport and then going into town straightaway was a little fraught. My planning all worked perfectly thank goodness. It feels a little exotic, like being overseas, but the train is not as flash - no wireless or plug spots. It is country Victoria after all.

I have finally finished doing a financial analysis on last years spending. Umh! Didn't do so well; it seems I overspent so it is no wonder I have been struggling a bit to pay all the bills! I have been more careful this year so far but Japan is going to cost a packet. Instant noodles for the rest of the year! And a monthly budget.

Concerned about Mum

Mum has been travelling well despite the spread of her cancer to the liver. On the weekend she had a very sore and swollen ankle and I thought it might be a blood clot or burst blood vessel because she couldn't  recall hurting it. I was relieved to have her visit the doctor yesterday and find it was a burst vessel. Her attitude was, her veins are old and weak.  I suppose so but it is concerning. She visits the oncologist today and we will hear more of her progress. The good thing is that she is feeling well anyway. 

I saw the movie " The lady in the van" and found it rather sad, even though it is funny in parts. Alan Bennet who allowed her to stay in his driveway for 15 years, wrote the story and he seemed kind but so passive. The neighbours accepted her presence which I found really quite tolerant. I can imagine that so many other places might have called in the council to have her removed but they let her stay. She was a mysterious woman and it was confronting to see how people can fall so low when mentally unwell. It is confronting when we see any homeless people. I felt rather disturbed after seeing it. 

I have a busy week ahead with lunches, dinners and guests coming to stay. It is a bit overwhelming how busy I seem to have become again.

I finished my street scene watercolour and feel reasonably happy with the result. Always room for improvement of course but I am getting better slowly.

I am still pondering this relationship with the country boy. I like him a lot. I know he finds me attractive and desirable and generally good company, and he is starting to let down his barriers more.  I sometimes want more than I think he is prepared to give emotionally, so I am wondering if I should be patient or look elsewhere. I am such an impatient person in many ways. Just letting it evolve is hard when we are so far apart and only see each other irregularly.  

This uncertainty is such a part of new relationships until you finally make some sort of commitment I suppose.  

Drawing and painting and work.

I finally finished the accreditation material for the Library Panel and look forward to some discussions about it with the others.

I have had a great Sunday at an Art Workshop. It was a life drawing focussed workshop and I felt so excited by the end. I managed a couple of good studies and was so elated. My art Teacher is heading to Beijing for two months then on to Europe so we will miss her. She is so encouraging and wants us to be 'loose' with our drawing. It is so different from my watercolour class though Dorothy wants us to be freeer there too. It is challenging to let loose but the results are pretty good when I do!

I am going to work really hard on this skill so that I become confident and competent!

Rob rang to say he was passing through Melbourne on the way to Adelaide and wanted to catch up. That was a nice interlude. Still not sure where it is heading but liking the journey so far. Damn there is an evacuation call coming through the buildings's PA.  Can't smell smoke but better go. 

Reedy Flat Victoria

I travelled up to Sale and met Rob. I was really pleased with the drive and felt a sense of achievement. I picked up his prints from the framers on the way and still made good time.  We met up at the motel. I was a bit tentative because I thought we might not feel the same after such a gap but I was delighted to find we both felt the same. We went off to the German Expressionist Exhibition opening but we had missed the talk which was disappointing.  I met a few local artists that Rob knew and ended up with having our photo taken next to one of the art works for the local paper. I was surprised at how diverse the art scene is around east Gippsland. We went on to dinner at an Austrian Restaurant where the cook was the owner, an Austrian woman. Rob got her talking and we couldn't t stop her. He has an easy way with people, for someone who doesn't chat much!

Next day we visited a friend of his at Seaspray. I went there once camping with Peter and the kids. It is at the base of the 100 mile beach which is a 100 mile straight stretch of surf and sand. His friend Sue is another accomplished artist and an amazing woman. She has had such a varied life, nurse, dairy farmer, cook, artist. She is afflicted with scleroderma a disease of the connective tissue which has resulted in the loss of her lower legs below the knees and the tips of her fingers. She has only got movement in her first finger and her thumb but she still paints fabulous water colours, and oils. 

I found her a most interesting and inspiring woman and we got on very well.  Rob had taken her dogs for a walk which is what he always does when he visits. He showed her his print that he is intending to enter in a local competition. He obviously values her opinion. 

Next stop was Bairnsdale for some shopping but Rob suggested as we had the two cars I go on ahead to his Mum's place at Ensay near Reedy Flat and we meet up there. His Mum lives in a renovated pub which is now an art gallery for Rob's work. It is a lovely old building and Beth was pleased to show me around both inside and out in the garden. Rob arrived with groceries for his mum after an hour or so and by then Beth and I were quite comfortable with each other. 

There are no shops close by as we are in a very small country village and then Rob took the dogs for a walk( this is his usual routine apparently!)

Finally we went off to his place further into the bush.

A view from the road leading to Rob's place.

He has 200 hectares of bush stretching from a ridge between Mt Possum and Mt Wong. The kangaroos come in both morning and night, the birds are prolific and lizards and bats as well as the odd snake abound.  It is a very peaceful place. His home is very rustic, reminiscent of many homes built during the 1980s in Warrandyte where I used to live. He built it himself with his builder brother-in-law. The windows are all reclaimed lead light.  It is basic but homely and comfortable. I loved it. Wood fired hot water and all. He is off the grid with solar electricity and gas fridge and small gas stove as well.

Although hot down by the coast it was rather cool here and I had to borrow a windcheater because I hadn't packed any warm clothes. We had a long walk to the ridge on the following day and later took some of my chocolate cake to share with his Mum in the afternoon. I loved the slow pace and peace of the bush.  It is so relaxing. The round building is his studio where he paints or makes linocut prints.  His dog Flash was a bit put out that he couldn't sit in the front seat of the car when we went to visit! He accepted me by the Monday when I was leaving!  

It was a sweet weekend and I hope not too long before another.