Reflections in the past

I was showing my grandson Ziggy the dogs that we used to have. My beautiful bearded collie, Cassie, a gentle giant, then came Poochie, a stray of mixed origins ( probably a terrier cross) that wandered into our home and our hearts. He used to get into bed with Jonathan( Ziggy's Dad). The photos of Poochie in bed with him are funny. I had to explain that Jonathan was sure Pooch was really a little boy. That dog was so tolerant of the kids. Jonathan used to put a Tshirt on him! Then there was Minty, the Maltese terrier who was a white fluff ball full of assertive small dog personality and a great companion.

Looking over the family photos and showing Ziggy his dad as a young boy brought back so many tender memories. It has left me feeling a little sad. I just missed Peter all over again. We were so lucky to have had such a complete relationship. I miss being cherished and cherishing him. Despite the freedom we experienced in our relationship that gave us room to follow our own interests there was always an invisible connection that bound us to each other willingly and wholeheartedly. 

Exploring the world without him is so different. I am stronger and more confident for the experience but  

the chance of finding another person and building such a relationship seems so daunting and just like  hard work. Am I as willing to fit in with someone else to achieve that meeting of two hearts now? Have I become set in my ways? Life has become more complex than when I was 20!

Having an interaction with my artist friend is very pleasant, and his company is enjoyable. He is a really nice person but he doesn't believe in love. Or rather he professes to never ever having fallen in love and is wary of commitment. I feel he is lacking a dimension but he thinks people get together because of societal pressures and nothing deeper. It is a fundamental difference which I find difficult to comprehend. Having said that, he has got his swag out for me to sleep in next time I visit because I wanted to sleep out under the stars which are so bright at his place. He is very thoughtful and kind and  rings often, so if deeds mean anything,  he is developing feelings. A long distance relationship is challenging and will develop differently to a relationship where you see each other several times a week. It just highlights  what I am missing since Peter passed away. I even had a bit of a cry tonight. I feel better for the release of pent up emotions. Time will tell and I resolve to enjoy what is as is.