Sunday, 16 October 2016

The funeral

The funeral was actually a true celebration of Mum's life. There were a few tears but also laughs and smiles. Mum'e eulogy was fairly short and modest and I regret that I didn't speak but three others did, and really every one who attended knew Mum and loved her so they didn't need to be told how great she was.

Jamie, my brother's step-grandson,spoke beautifully and lovingly about Mum and we were all so proud. Her actual grandsons were too emotional to speak.  I wasn't gutted to be saying goodbye I suppose because it is a relief for her and I have said all I need to over the last few weeks. It was so lovely to have my friends and family from interstate there too. The gravesite ceremony was quick but also rather beautiful and then the wake back at the hall was a flurry of greeting people and happy anecdotes followed by farewells as people headed back interstate or home. I was so glad to see my sons and daughter-in-law. It brought home to me how much I have missed them and also how they are the future and I am the matriarch now. We went home with a crate of leftover sandwiches which we devoured because we were too busy to eat and then collapsed. I was so tired I had a nap. 

The following day we went down to my nephew Scott's place at the Gold Coast for a BBQ and catch-up. It was a nice respite from the cleaning up. Sunday I went with Peter to church. I always went with Mum and just felt I wanted to go again while I was here. Peter never goes but when I asked him he agreed to come with me and he seemed to enjoy it. I think he will go occasionally now because the minister is a great character and very practical as well as godly. 


Preparation

14 th October

Today is Mum's funeral

This has been a tumultuous week. Arranging Mum's funeral wasn't too difficult because she had done most of the planning right down to the Eulogy! We selected the coffin and flowers with the undertaker and confirmed with the minister the order of service. I combed the unit for photos of Mum over the years and was quite frustrated not knowing were to look. The following day when we started to clean out the unit we found photos everywhere! 

Mum had every nook and cranny crammed with things, clothes, shoes, photos, magazines, books etc. it has been a journey down memory lane for us all. It was so lovely finding photos of the young Edna and Alex.  It is very clear that Mum had remained beautiful all her life,  her youthful attitude, kindness and happy nature were reflected in her face as she grew older. 

This experience is also a lesson in decluttering especially clothes. Mum had never thrown much out that is for sure. I found a dress she had worn in a photo twenty years ago and there was more than one!



Continuing

12 th October

Sunday I just rested at home. I had wanted to go shopping for an outfit for the funeral but I just didn't have the energy and we were all on edge because Val, Mum's baby sister, was also starting her final journey.Tracey was upset and unsure about going down to Melbourne even though her mother no longer talks or recognises her. Alzheimer's is one of the cruellest. At least Mum had some say over her situation. Valerie seems to be subject to many others.

Monday I returned to the hospital to give the staff some chocolates and a thank you card. Then It was drive to Beenleigh and Mums unit. 

It felt strange leaving John and Tracey. We have really bonded and I felt it was my turn to nurture. Val seemed to be hovering close to death and it seemed imminent. Tracey agonised over whether she should go down to Victoria or not. In the end she chose not to and Val has proved to be a text book case of end of life dementia. A patient slips into a coma and the brain stem alone remains functioning and the body fills with toxins until it shuts down. This process can take days. Valfinally passed away on Thursday at lunch time. Perhaps mum did finally take her to heaven.

10thOct

Edna Irene Holmes née Deppeler 22/2/1924-8/10/2016 


Edna was born in Yinnar South Victoria, the fifth child to Albert and May Deppeler and grew up on the dairy farm Lucerne.  Edna was immensely proud of her family and their heritage and would often remind us that we came from pioneering stock because the Deppeler's were early pioneers in the district. Mum considered her childhood blessed and often told us of picnics by the creek, eating apples from the orchard, riding and wandering the local hills. This I found intriguing as Mum's sense of direction was pretty terrible but she never got lost on these expeditions apparently. The children all worked on the farm and the girls used to do the afternoon milking after school. Her Father called them his nightingales because the girls all sang at the top of their voices while they milked the cows.

It was a very loving family and their home was always open to visitors and friends and relatives to stay. She always scoffed at the way people these days cringed at sharing beds because she shared a bedroom with her sisters and a bed with her sister Thel. She said their was an indentation in the wall where she used to put her toe  and use it as a base to push Thel back to her side of the bed.

As a very young child Mum wrote her name in the door of the family chiffoneir. When challenged by her father she initially denied it ' saying she could write better than that!' Her father very gently but firmly told her that it was extremely important to always be truthful and so she confessed. It was a misdemeanour she was ribbed about ever after by her siblings. That first lesson about honesty always stayed with her and she considered it a cornerstone in her values, always impressing on us the importance of honesty.

She went to the local school till she was 14 and old enough to leave. In her last year she completed a year of correspondence lessons under the supervision of the teacher, studying French, which she loved,  and commercial principles among other subjects. 

This enabled her to obtain a job in the grocery store at Yinnar Sth where she did the accounts. 

She used to ride her horse Lady to work every day. Mum must have been a very good rider because occasionally she had to ride her brother Blue's horse and it was used to galloping at top speed. Mum said you no sooner put your foot in the stirrup and it would take off but she never fell off. 

Mum always attributed her good health to growing up on the farm, eating home grown food and leading such an active life.

Her father had a Swiss heritage and he used to butcher their own meat,  and make their own sausages and bacon. The girls used to churn the butter and the larder was always full of home made preserves, jams and chutneys. This tradition of a full pantry has been the source of much amusement from all of the next generation who declare that we could live out of our mother's pantry's for at least six months! Mum told us that her father used to show them all the parts of the animal when he was butchering so that they got very real and vivid biology lessons. They hand raised many calves and mum was proud to win a ribbon for her calf at the local agriculture show.

As she grew older she moved with Thel to Melbourne to work. Because she worked in the grocery industry she got men's wages and so it was considered a good job. I always wondered why Mum didn't go to art classes once she got to Melbourne but she told me they worked six days a week and very long hours so there was never the time. She had wanted to become a nurse but her father and the local doctor thought it was too hard a job for such a petite young woman. The irony was that when she joined the army during the war she was a nurses aid and did all the hard work!

After a broken romance with an American soldier mum decided she needed to do something different with her life so she joined the Army nursing corps. They trained at Darly near Bacchus Marsh outside Melbourne and she said she had never been as fit in her life. They never walked anywhere but ran. After her training as a nurses aid she was posted to the military hospital Heidelberg and worked there until she met Dad who was one of the patients. She credits nursing so many young soldiers with horrific wounds or illnesses with restoring her faith in men. Once she and dad married they were demobbed and moved to Gatton Queensland where Dad had come from. It was hard for Mum to leave her large family. She had her children here and lived a challenging and interesting life.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

9 October

Edna Peter and I May2016 at the Deppeler reunion.

9 th October 

I spent all day with Mum yesterday with only brief visits from Tracey and John. I felt that Saturday would be the day but at 5:00 pm she seemed to be just in the same breathing pattern and so I decided to leave.  Mary the charge nurse on duty with 16 years experience, related a story about the song 'You are my Sunshine' being one that had helped two patients release their spirits and she suggested I try it too. I downloaded a Bing Crosby version and played it. I felt a bit guilty but I hoped it would help her. I was tired and despondent so l left and rang Peter my brother to check he was okay as I hadn't heard from him all day. He also was very low. We had just sat down to dinner at 6:30 when Peter rang to say Mum had just died. We abandoned our dinner and raced across to the hospital. John andTracey were amazed at my speed! I was so focused on getting to the hospital I didn't really notice them. Mum was very peaceful but I asked Mary to put her dentures back in because she hated to be seen without them and she just didn't look like Mum without them. Peter arrived shortly after. For a moment I just felt like a little girl again.  It passed and we talked about how lucky we were to have Edna as our Mother. Her values are deeply imbedded in us all and particularly about love being the most important aspect of life. We sat with her for awhile and then gathered her things and removed her jewellery. We are all relieved that in the end she didn't linger very long. Her desire to control her destiny was achieved. In the end she had the quality of life she wanted almost to the end with only the last few weeks being in a state of helplessness. She was dignified and gracious always. The staff on the ward loved her for her smile and her appreciation of their kindness. They were wonderful in the care they gave Mum. Always kind and respectful.

I am sad that I have lost not only my mother but my best friend. 

Afterwards there is always a flurry of activity letting people know. I am a bit numb and functioning on automatic. 

It is doubly hard for Tracey because her Mother is also hovering at deaths door and she will be losing the two most important women in her life in the same weekend. Her mother is interstate so her dedication to helping mum and I  has been even more generous. 

Friday, 7 October 2016

8th October 

Last night I came home feeling drained. Mum seems to have just shrunk into this little lady.  Tracey came by to see mum and after some prayers and loving words we left. I bought a bottle of champagne on the way home and we were well into our second glass when John arrived home. He had booked a table at the Summer house restaurant which is abuzz on Fridays and has live music. It was a lovely change. I felt more settled and then we stopped by the hospital on the way home because the nurse had said things could change quite quickly. Mum was sleeping peacefully but then I slept fitfully on edge about receiving a call in the night. 

At 3am Tracey woke and soon after received a text from her sister to say their mother Val had deteriorated and this looked like her final hours. Having both her mother and her godmother pass at the same time is really intense. We are all on edge waiting. Mum always said when she died she would take Val with her but now it might be the opposite way. Mum's breathing is changing slightly. I am talking with her every now and again, saying prayers, playing soothing music, touching her to let her know I am here.  Her eyes flutter open when she is moved from side to side but otherwise there is no recognition. She just seems to be diminishing every time I look at her.

7th October 

Today is peaceful for Mum but early on she seemed to be pulling at the sheets and I am sure she wanted to go to the toilet. In the end they did an ultrasound on her bladder and she had 800 mls. The decided to give her a catheter because she just won't let go. A lady to the end! This is all so undignified. The nursing staff took out her bottom teeth too because they kept falling out. Later mum wanted me to take her upper dentures out because they were too dry. I cleaned them but as they too are falling out they have stayed out now. More indignity.  Her breathing is very wet sounding because the swallow reflex has stopped.

Peter and Tim were here this morning so it was the whole family and we were glad for each other. The Doctor Padmina has been so kind and helpful and has suggested that the weakness she is having on her left side could be attributed to the cancer going to her brain or perhaps a small stroke. But she said Mum was adamant that she wanted no investigation or tests so they are only informed speculation. 

Yesterday afternoon my cousin Diane came to visit which was nice but we talked a

 lot about people's views on death and how someone was too scared to come because they were afraid of crying and upsetting Mum.  I said Mum wouldn't be upset and that at least crying expresses your concern about the other person. People don't know what to say, this I understand.we will all be crying soon enough.  I have certainly started to 'leak' at the edges. I shed more than a few tears yesterday when it was just Mum an I. The nurse who has come on tonight said Mum is on track so I hope it isn't too much longer for her. She can hear but mostly she sleeps.

The irrational feeling I am having is that I am not doing enough for her. It is out of my hands really and apart from telling her she is not alone and spraying her mouth to keep it moist, there is little anyone can do. I am reluctant to go home but I also want to leave and be amongst the living. I went out to have lunch in the garden today just because it is so heartbreaking and the sun and the blossom is so soothing. A crow came and perched right overhead. Is it a sign of something?