Frustrations

3rd October

I have been having trouble with the blog so I am writing in notes first. I have lost so many attempts I wanted to stop doing it!

17 September

17 September blog post

My day off was very refreshing. I decided to be a tourist in Brisbane and took the free City Hopper ferry service down the river to Southbank where I alighted at the Maritime museum.  It was delightful to be out in the spring sunshine amidst lively people and vibrant flowers after the quiet, subdued atmosphere of the hospital.

The place was full of families and couples enjoying the beach and water, playgrounds and cafes. 

I walked the length of Southbank ultimately arriving at the art gallery. I decided to lunch there and then explore the paintings. I found the earliest historical landscape of Brisbane interesting because it showed a perspective of where I am living in Kangaroo Point. It was so pastoral then and now it is tall apartments and the Story bridge. A stark contrast. From there I wandered across the bridge to the treasury Casino ( where John works in surveillance). It is a lovely building but the interior downstairs is full of garish poker machines and gaming tables surrounded by many Asian punters. It is smallish compared to Crown in Melbourne but at least you can see the street outside to get a sense of time! After that I wandered down the mall in search of a present for Ziggy and a bookshop to buy the book club books and also some oracle cards. 

Since being at Tracey's place I have been exploring the oracle cards. She has numerous sets so you can look at different ones to get a feel for those that resonate with you. Buying them outright is a bit of pot luck otherwise because you only get to see some pictures. The art on most is very attractive but I don't like the ones that seem 'dark'.  It is a feeling that you have to trust.  Tracey has given me a couple of reikis since I have been here and it has helped with the emotional aspect of being with Mum. I realised I was holding myself so tightly.  

I found a present but forgot to buy the KISS DVD for Ziggy. He is having a KISS themed birthday party! I didn't buy any oracle cards either because I didn't find ones that resonated or called me.

Then it was home on the ferry again and a walk along the river boardwalk to home. I felt peaceful and refreshed. My brain had relaxed too.

Everyday I pull a card to get a focus for the day. It is interesting that I am exploring this aspect again. I have angel cards at home which I use every now and again but here I am doing it daily and pondering the topics. It is a form of meditation or reflective thinking to see what is within the unconscious. 

I have focused on my logical brain for so long that I doubt my intuitive feelings sometimes. Once I was much more confident. I am trying to recover the 'faith' in my intuition by  practising this ritual.  It is enjoyable and enlightening.

Mum has been so good for a couple of days that I felt confounded. I have been here almost nonstop for two months now and she seemed so close to the end a couple of weeks ago but now seems to be stable. We pass the time comfortably playing scrabble and chatting or watching TV together or just reading quietly. I help with little things like the food, or getting out of bed, massaging her hands and feet, arranging visitors. The days pass quite quickly and the changes are barely noticeable. 

Yesterday she had to have a suppository for constipation which is a huge problem and she spent the day in fear of an uncontrolled explosion which she had once before to her utter horror. 

The effort of going backwards and forwards to the toilet until finally she succeeded really highlighted her weakness. It sapped all her energy and reminded me she really is failing still. It was awful to see her so distressed. Tracey arrived late in the day and found it very upsetting. The fact is none of us want to see this happening to Mum. It seems such a long process this dying and while I am grateful for the opportunity to be with Mum and so glad she is mentally okay it is still difficult emotionally.  I have been on the edge now for a long time expecting any day for a rapid change but instead it seems she has plateaued. She is so pleased I am here every day that I can't leave her now. I will take a day off every week to help me stay positive.

17 September blog post

My day off was very refreshing. I decided to be a tourist in Brisbane and took the free City Hopper ferry service down the river to Southbank where I alighted at the Maritime museum.  It was delightful to be out in the spring sunshine amidst lively people and vibrant flowers after the quiet, subdued atmosphere of the hospital. The place was full of families and couples enjoying the beach and water, playgrounds and cafes. 

I walked the length of Southbank ultimately arriving at the art gallery. I decided to lunch there and then explore the paintings. I found the earliest historical landscape of Brisbane interesting because it showed a perspective of where I am living in Kangaroo Point. It was so pastoral then and now it is tall apartments and the Story bridge. A stark contrast. From there I wandered across the bridge to the treasury Casino ( where John works in surveillance). It is a lovely building but the interior downstairs is full of garish poker machines and gaming tables surrounded by many Asian punters. It is smallish compared to Crown in Melbourne but at least you can see the street outside to get a sense of time! After that I wandered down the mall in search of a present for Ziggy and a bookshop to buy the book club books and also some oracle cards. 

Since being at Tracey's place I have been exploring the oracle cards. She has numerous sets so you can look at different ones to get a feel for those that resonate with you. Buying them outright is a bit of pot luck otherwise because you only get to see some pictures. The art on most is very attractive but I don't like the ones that seem 'dark'.  It is a feeling that you have to trust.  Tracey has given me a couple of reikis since I have been here and it has helped with the emotional aspect of being with Mum. I realised I was holding myself so tightly.  

I found a present but forgot to buy the KISS DVD for Ziggy. He is having a KISS themed birthday party! I didn't buy any oracle cards either because I didn't find ones that resonated or called me.

Then it was home on the ferry again and a walk along the river boardwalk to home. I felt peaceful and refreshed. My brain had relaxed too.

Everyday I pull a card to get a focus for the day. It is interesting that I am exploring this aspect again. I have angel cards at home which I use every now and again but here I am doing it daily and pondering the topics. It is a form of meditation or reflective thinking to see what is within the unconscious. 

I have focused on my logical brain for so long that I doubt my intuitive feelings sometimes. Once I was much more confident. I am trying to recover the 'faith' in my intuition by  practising this ritual.  It is enjoyable and enlightening.

Mum has been so good for a couple of days that I felt confounded. I have been here almost nonstop for two months now and she seemed so close to the end a couple of weeks ago but now seems to be stable. We pass the time comfortably playing scrabble and chatting or watching TV together or just reading quietly. I help with little things like the food, or getting out of bed, massaging her hands and feet, arranging visitors. The days pass quite quickly and the changes are barely noticeable. 

Yesterday she had to have a suppository for constipation which is a huge problem and she spent the day in fear of an uncontrolled explosion which she had once before to her utter horror. 

The effort of going backwards and forwards to the toilet until finally she succeeded really highlighted her weakness. It sapped all her energy and reminded me she really is failing still. It was awful to see her so distressed. Tracey arrived late in the day and found it very upsetting. The fact is none of us want to see this happening to Mum. It seems such a long process this dying and while I am grateful for the opportunity to be with Mum and so glad she is mentally okay it is still difficult emotionally.  I have been on the edge now for a long time expecting any day for a rapid change but instead it seems she has plateaued. She is so pleased I am here every day that I can't leave her now. I will take a day off every week to help me stay positive.

13 September Brisbane

I have taken a different way to the hospital over the last couple of days which has been visually pleasing and a treat when I saw a water dragon too.  It is along the river and very soothing to walk through parks and  under trees.

It had been refreshing and I have started to feel more at peace.

Mum is steadily declining but not uncomfortable. Her ability to concentrate is being challenged but we still have a game of scrabble a couple of times a week. I have introduced her to a new app game and yesterday I tried doing some drawing which she critiqued. 

Scrabble was funny because she is less able to play strategically and the last few moves I ended up helping her and managed to beat myself! That caused us to have a good laugh. 

We talked about my being with her every day. I had promised I wouldn't leave her on her own and while she said it was too much to promise she was so glad that I come every day. It is a journey we are doing together and I feel happy to be here.

 I have let go of my life in Melbourne for the time being and that is a relief too strangely. The sense that mum was going to die any moment a couple of weeks ago has passed and now it seems to be a slow, steady decline. She is having anti nausea medication to stop her being sick at the smell of food, though the quantity she eats is not improving.

The doctors gave her about six weeks but it seems like it might be longer. I have given up wondering and just take every day as it comes. 

Today I am having a day off after arranging an alternative visitor. I need a break and to see the world around me as well as post off a present to Ziggy. I won't be making his birthday this year. He is having a KISS band themed party would you believe. A rocker in the making for sure!

9 th sept back in Brisbane

 .After returning from Melbourne we went to visit Mum and I was rather shocked at how much weight she had lost in a week. She was shifted to the palliative care ward at St Vincent's Hospital at Kangaroo Point. It is only a ten minute walk away from Tracey and John's flat so is very convenient and I really can walk to it.

The staff are lovely and the place is very caring and warm. I have been visiting everyday just keeping Mum company while the care is done by the staff. I need to be here to monitor mum and talkk with the doctors because Mum does forget or feels somewhat overwhelmed. Poor thing had been constipated for five days and the medicine they gave her caused her to lose control and she was so upset and humiliated but the staff were all so good and praising her for getting it out! This is what you come too. Old age is not for the faint hearted.  

She has improved in some ways but is also tiring more and more. Her concentration wanders now so playing scrabble is a challenge as the game goes on. We have had two games this week. She is quite happy but somewhat impatient about the time it is taking to die. She said next time I a coming back with curly hair, long legs and a heart attack!

They have a support dog who visits and so I asked them to come to Mum. She is such a dog lover and it really made her day to have a visit from this little fellow  Kimba.

The next day it was the drinks trolley at 5pm. She could have whatever she liked so we selected a gin and tonic. Mum really enjoyed it. I only had two sips! Funny how the alcohol is easy to imbibe. Mum has enjoyed a drink but never been a heavy drinker ever and so it is intriguing that the alcohol is much easier to take than food or even tea sometimes. Her taste buds are very affected by the illness. Mum is still not in pain though she suffers some nausea now and today I found she had a cannula in her arm for anti nause medicine. Her medicine dosage is low with a minimal amount of morphine to inhibit the coughing she found so distressing.

My neohew Matthew and his wife Hisayo came up from Canberra to see mum and say farewell. She was so pleased to see them and hear about their new house and their future plans. When they went to leave Hisayo broke down, then Mat got tears as well as Patti(his mother and my brothers ex). 

Mum was so sad that Hisayo was upset. She always wanted to encourage her and be there for her. Hisayo is Japanese and has struggled with English and settling in Australia. Mum was telling her how important she is to the family. Mum and I talked afterwards about how we can almost pretend death is not around the corner. We can't spend every day in tears but we don't dwell on the future either. 

I am reading a book by Julie Kirkpatrick called the Camino letters and I thought what I am doing here with Mum is another Camino. I have put everything and everybody on hold to be here and day by day journey with Mum.  I feel restless sometimes and miss my friends, my family, Ziggy especially. I miss my life really but I aiso don't want to be anywhere else either. I am as committed to this journey as I was to the Via de la Plata or the Camino France's. I wonder if being here is useful and helpful sometimes and then Mum and I share a joke and hold hands and I know it matters. Every day I leave she thanks me for being here. It is a privilege.

3rd September THE wedding day

I was very churned up and nervous. I finished the speech in the morning and then it was making sure the dress was ready. When I brought it home from the shop it had had two pleats steamed into the lining which appeared through the dress. I wanted it steamed out but I hadn't had time to take it back to the shop. I decided to try doing it myself. Ugh!! I smoothed it but also spilt water and freaked out that I would have a water mark! Face, dress, then the bag I was taking lost its little glitter strip, I didn't need this fussing. A white dress is so vulnerable, especially when I wear it. Jonathan had told me only yesterday that I needed to be at the venue an hour earlier for photos. Just as well I had put the hairdresser back to give me more time if mum happened to be able to make it. The anxiety was ridiculous. These are the times I miss Peter's calming influence. 

I took off to the hairdresser to get spruced up again and then get my face done. The young woman was a statuesque exotic beauty who made me look pretty good for an old duck. Very subtle.

Then it was home and into the dress which had not sustained a water mark(phew) and into my excruciating but gorgeous 9 mm heels! The overall effect was pretty good. 

Peter and Jan had got ready and elected to come with me by our Uber taxi rather than come later. In the end we were running a little late but so was the rest of the wedding party. 

We had our photos taken and were very impressed with the venue, a sort of shabby chic or distressed belle epoch ball room. Everything looked so stylish. 

 It wasn't long before my feet were killing me . I met some of the young ones in the loo and they were complaining of sore feet too. What women do for glamour. We really are silly. Soon the wedding was taking place and Ziggy who had arrived rather grumpy from an afternoon nap was handing out confetti with me. He hung onto Jonathan's leg through the ceremony saying in a loud clear voice when Jonathan was becoming emotional saying his vows,  'Daddy you look funny!' Then Ziggy had to hand over the rings which he did easily but then kept snapping the ring box in such a fashion we thought he would hurt his fingers. He burst into tears, crying loudly when Clare and Jonathan did the newlywed walk down the very short aisle without him.

After that it was all smiles and canapés. At this stage my feet felt like the blood had stopped but I still looked gorgeous. It was with great relief we took our places at the table for the dinner. I still felt nervous and could hardly eat or drink. The food was beautiful.

 Salmon with seaweed impregnated with Tapioca. Yum! The other main was perfectly cooked fillet of beef.

Then it was the speeches and  I was finally able to relax. All went well and everybody spoke with a different angle and with much humour and love. It was the best group of speeches I have heard for some time. I was probably biased but they all spoke to the qualities of both bride and groom and their families.  All speeches were out done by Ziggy announcing he loved his Mummy and his Daddy was weird forever! Then dancing, with the bridal waltz a real boogie to Let's get married by Jagged Edge.  The bride had changed into a short off the shoulder white dress with flowing sleeves and looked equally as  beautiful as in her wedding dress. The party got pretty loose then and I danced the night away , still in my heels! The neon sign said it all. 

 

The next day we met for a post wedding lunch. A little worse for wear but still It was another happy occasion.

We returned home exhausted and needing to pack for returning to Qld and Mum.

30 th Sept Momentous week

I left Mum at Greenslopes hospital in the care of my younger brother TIm and his partner Donna while I returned to Melbourne for the dentist and The Wedding! It was an epic week really. I felt so anxious about leaving Mum but was confident nothing was going to happen now till after the wedding. 

I had two visit s to the dentist. One to the orthodontist to remove the brace that has been pulling my tooth straight and then the dentist to have the post for the implant installed. I was rather anxious but despite the discomfort it wasn't painful and the swelling wasn't too bad. I expected it to be fine for the wedding. A bit of a risk but needed because of the time issues with returning to Brisbane.

Then I had a bright idea to have my face waxed for the wedding as I had booked a professional makeup for Saturday. DISASTER! The beautician tore the skin on my cheeks so I would now need camouflage for Saturday. Oh vanity can bring you down.

 I was so upset, but the damage was done. It hurt worse than the tooth. I went back the next day when it hadn't eased and she was very apologetic and provided me with a range of products to soothe my face. It had never happened before and I can only put it down to her distress over a fight with her mother! She was too rough. 

Next I had guests arriving so I was busy with airport collections and entertainment. It was very pleasant and busy. I would have also liked some quiet time to recover a little from the intensity of being with Mum but there was no time.  I did enjoy taking my brother Peter and cousin Jan to Movida restaurant which is in Hosier lane. The lane is famous for its street art and the restaurant for its Tapas with style! I left them to find their own way home while I went off to the hairdresser.

I know my hair doesn't look long but after five weeks it needed a bit of a touch up and he actually cut lots off! Even better he only charged me a fraction of the cost because he couldn't do it for the wedding as he had offered.  We met later at my apartment and enjoyed a quiet home cooked meal. I needed to finish my speech for the wedding and get my face cleaned for more healing treatment.