9 th sept back in Brisbane

 .After returning from Melbourne we went to visit Mum and I was rather shocked at how much weight she had lost in a week. She was shifted to the palliative care ward at St Vincent's Hospital at Kangaroo Point. It is only a ten minute walk away from Tracey and John's flat so is very convenient and I really can walk to it.

The staff are lovely and the place is very caring and warm. I have been visiting everyday just keeping Mum company while the care is done by the staff. I need to be here to monitor mum and talkk with the doctors because Mum does forget or feels somewhat overwhelmed. Poor thing had been constipated for five days and the medicine they gave her caused her to lose control and she was so upset and humiliated but the staff were all so good and praising her for getting it out! This is what you come too. Old age is not for the faint hearted.  

She has improved in some ways but is also tiring more and more. Her concentration wanders now so playing scrabble is a challenge as the game goes on. We have had two games this week. She is quite happy but somewhat impatient about the time it is taking to die. She said next time I a coming back with curly hair, long legs and a heart attack!

They have a support dog who visits and so I asked them to come to Mum. She is such a dog lover and it really made her day to have a visit from this little fellow  Kimba.

The next day it was the drinks trolley at 5pm. She could have whatever she liked so we selected a gin and tonic. Mum really enjoyed it. I only had two sips! Funny how the alcohol is easy to imbibe. Mum has enjoyed a drink but never been a heavy drinker ever and so it is intriguing that the alcohol is much easier to take than food or even tea sometimes. Her taste buds are very affected by the illness. Mum is still not in pain though she suffers some nausea now and today I found she had a cannula in her arm for anti nause medicine. Her medicine dosage is low with a minimal amount of morphine to inhibit the coughing she found so distressing.

My neohew Matthew and his wife Hisayo came up from Canberra to see mum and say farewell. She was so pleased to see them and hear about their new house and their future plans. When they went to leave Hisayo broke down, then Mat got tears as well as Patti(his mother and my brothers ex). 

Mum was so sad that Hisayo was upset. She always wanted to encourage her and be there for her. Hisayo is Japanese and has struggled with English and settling in Australia. Mum was telling her how important she is to the family. Mum and I talked afterwards about how we can almost pretend death is not around the corner. We can't spend every day in tears but we don't dwell on the future either. 

I am reading a book by Julie Kirkpatrick called the Camino letters and I thought what I am doing here with Mum is another Camino. I have put everything and everybody on hold to be here and day by day journey with Mum.  I feel restless sometimes and miss my friends, my family, Ziggy especially. I miss my life really but I aiso don't want to be anywhere else either. I am as committed to this journey as I was to the Via de la Plata or the Camino France's. I wonder if being here is useful and helpful sometimes and then Mum and I share a joke and hold hands and I know it matters. Every day I leave she thanks me for being here. It is a privilege.

3rd September THE wedding day

I was very churned up and nervous. I finished the speech in the morning and then it was making sure the dress was ready. When I brought it home from the shop it had had two pleats steamed into the lining which appeared through the dress. I wanted it steamed out but I hadn't had time to take it back to the shop. I decided to try doing it myself. Ugh!! I smoothed it but also spilt water and freaked out that I would have a water mark! Face, dress, then the bag I was taking lost its little glitter strip, I didn't need this fussing. A white dress is so vulnerable, especially when I wear it. Jonathan had told me only yesterday that I needed to be at the venue an hour earlier for photos. Just as well I had put the hairdresser back to give me more time if mum happened to be able to make it. The anxiety was ridiculous. These are the times I miss Peter's calming influence. 

I took off to the hairdresser to get spruced up again and then get my face done. The young woman was a statuesque exotic beauty who made me look pretty good for an old duck. Very subtle.

Then it was home and into the dress which had not sustained a water mark(phew) and into my excruciating but gorgeous 9 mm heels! The overall effect was pretty good. 

Peter and Jan had got ready and elected to come with me by our Uber taxi rather than come later. In the end we were running a little late but so was the rest of the wedding party. 

We had our photos taken and were very impressed with the venue, a sort of shabby chic or distressed belle epoch ball room. Everything looked so stylish. 

 It wasn't long before my feet were killing me . I met some of the young ones in the loo and they were complaining of sore feet too. What women do for glamour. We really are silly. Soon the wedding was taking place and Ziggy who had arrived rather grumpy from an afternoon nap was handing out confetti with me. He hung onto Jonathan's leg through the ceremony saying in a loud clear voice when Jonathan was becoming emotional saying his vows,  'Daddy you look funny!' Then Ziggy had to hand over the rings which he did easily but then kept snapping the ring box in such a fashion we thought he would hurt his fingers. He burst into tears, crying loudly when Clare and Jonathan did the newlywed walk down the very short aisle without him.

After that it was all smiles and canapés. At this stage my feet felt like the blood had stopped but I still looked gorgeous. It was with great relief we took our places at the table for the dinner. I still felt nervous and could hardly eat or drink. The food was beautiful.

 Salmon with seaweed impregnated with Tapioca. Yum! The other main was perfectly cooked fillet of beef.

Then it was the speeches and  I was finally able to relax. All went well and everybody spoke with a different angle and with much humour and love. It was the best group of speeches I have heard for some time. I was probably biased but they all spoke to the qualities of both bride and groom and their families.  All speeches were out done by Ziggy announcing he loved his Mummy and his Daddy was weird forever! Then dancing, with the bridal waltz a real boogie to Let's get married by Jagged Edge.  The bride had changed into a short off the shoulder white dress with flowing sleeves and looked equally as  beautiful as in her wedding dress. The party got pretty loose then and I danced the night away , still in my heels! The neon sign said it all. 

 

The next day we met for a post wedding lunch. A little worse for wear but still It was another happy occasion.

We returned home exhausted and needing to pack for returning to Qld and Mum.

30 th Sept Momentous week

I left Mum at Greenslopes hospital in the care of my younger brother TIm and his partner Donna while I returned to Melbourne for the dentist and The Wedding! It was an epic week really. I felt so anxious about leaving Mum but was confident nothing was going to happen now till after the wedding. 

I had two visit s to the dentist. One to the orthodontist to remove the brace that has been pulling my tooth straight and then the dentist to have the post for the implant installed. I was rather anxious but despite the discomfort it wasn't painful and the swelling wasn't too bad. I expected it to be fine for the wedding. A bit of a risk but needed because of the time issues with returning to Brisbane.

Then I had a bright idea to have my face waxed for the wedding as I had booked a professional makeup for Saturday. DISASTER! The beautician tore the skin on my cheeks so I would now need camouflage for Saturday. Oh vanity can bring you down.

 I was so upset, but the damage was done. It hurt worse than the tooth. I went back the next day when it hadn't eased and she was very apologetic and provided me with a range of products to soothe my face. It had never happened before and I can only put it down to her distress over a fight with her mother! She was too rough. 

Next I had guests arriving so I was busy with airport collections and entertainment. It was very pleasant and busy. I would have also liked some quiet time to recover a little from the intensity of being with Mum but there was no time.  I did enjoy taking my brother Peter and cousin Jan to Movida restaurant which is in Hosier lane. The lane is famous for its street art and the restaurant for its Tapas with style! I left them to find their own way home while I went off to the hairdresser.

I know my hair doesn't look long but after five weeks it needed a bit of a touch up and he actually cut lots off! Even better he only charged me a fraction of the cost because he couldn't do it for the wedding as he had offered.  We met later at my apartment and enjoyed a quiet home cooked meal. I needed to finish my speech for the wedding and get my face cleaned for more healing treatment.

1Sept Back in Melbourne

Mum has been more comfortable since being in hospital. The oxygen has made a difference to her existence but not her resilience. She is still not eating enough and so her strength continues to decline. We are noticing her memory is becoming affected too. She is still bright and happy but very tired. Mum still brightens with champagne however. A real champagne Charlie is Mum. She is famous for her statement" there is no time when champagne is not appropriate!".

Tim has taken over the vigil while I am back in Melbourne for Jonathan 's wedding. I am missing Cousin Tracey's ability to see signs all around us. It adds so much spirituality to your day. 

I bought a new pair of light coloured high heels for the dress which I feel so glamorous in and look great with the dress. I just need to get it steamed again to remove a pleat in the lining which interferes with the line. I feel set now for the wedding. Just the speech to be written.

I decided to have my face waxed in anticipation of the make up experience on Saturday but it has been disastrous. I have been left with a huge red mark on my cheek as if I have had the skin burnt. I am quite distressed. I will need concealer to cover it. Oh vanity!

I have also been to the dentist for the installation of the titanium screw for my implant. That was quite a traumatic experience listening to the drill penetrating my jawbone. I had no pain and I have only minor swelling so that is good but I wouldn't want to do more than one in the chair! I felt faint over the bill too even though I had had the quote. Fortunately I can pay it off over three payments and the health insurance has been reasonable in returns. It is still the cost of an airfare to Europe or almost anywhere!

The good news is I had won $87 on tattslotto which is the most winning s for ages.  I need to chase the Brisbane airport parking double charge refund. All little chores but little time to complete them. I have to be very focused to get through the various tasks or the time will run away. 

I made a quick trip to the gym and was so warmly greeted by everyone I was so uplifted. I just wanted to keep them informed of my circumstances and they were so accommodating by maintaining my suspension. EFM and the staff rock at East Hawthorn.  

Now for the Tax return!

August 25 Greenslopes hospital

I arrived yesterday at the hospital and unfortunately rolled forward to allow post in the BMW and cracked the number plate cover. Gee whiz I am a hazard with these blinking cars. I miss my Subaru. 

My brother Peter was with Mum and we had a catch up. Mum had been showered and was feeling really weary as the day wore on. The occupational therapist arrived and then the physiotherapist came and had mum walk up the corridor to test her oxygen levels. They dropped while exercising and bounced up fairly quickly once she rested( all while using oxygen) but that was enough to wear her out and she slept quite deeply in stints of half hours. Mum didn't eat much and certainly wasn't drinking much either. All this assessment is about how she and I would manage if and when she returns home. I still have a concern about being up every couple of hours at night though if I can rest during the day I can probably manage it. 

I am recovering here at Tracey and Johns place with good nights sleep. I am tired still and a massage would be welcome. I was going to walk to the hospital today but I feel like I have let it get too late. It will take an hour at least and I want to be there about 10. Yesterday I left about 4:30 and returned with John and Tracey. Mum was rather disoriented because she had slept soundly and thought she had slept all day!

August 23 the end is near

Yesterday I rang the oncologist because I was concerned about Mum and my ability to keep her safe during the nights. I have been up every two hours most nights to help her toilet and she is getting weaker. My brothers and I are concerned about her comfort now.  Just moving her in bed is hard. When I spoke to the oncologist she immediately said she would admit her to hospital. I was a little shocked and distressed as I am reluctant to hand her over. It feels like I am hastening her end and yet she hates her present state and we hate seeing her like this. She isn't the vibrant dynamic Edna. She often remarks on the blessing of a quick fatal heart attack! 

Her painting buddies came as usual and both Julie and Denise said they goodbyes. They were both upset and shed tears. Their painting and friendship has spanned over 30 years.

The next morning waiting for a cab that was late convinced me I am doing the correct thing. Mum was near collapse by the time she got to the hospital ward even though she hadn't done a thing other than get dressed and waited.

The hospital took her blood pressure( low!) and she takes blood pressure tablets. Xrayed her chest, checked her oxygen( low 88%)  and took blood. The oncologist came soon after this was sorted and explained to mum that she would be kept comfortable. I find the oncologist pragmatic? But certainly not very sympathetic to me or interested in any discussion of the emotional state of either Mum or me. Not unkind but not very feeling either it seems

 Anyway I finally had the discussion with Mum about dying. She hadn't seemed to grasp that she was getting close to the end somehow. But how long is so arbitrary. Do we ever know? Mum said it was a matter of time and that she didn't want to leave us. She is not afraid of death but of the process of dying. I assured her she had raised three strong capable human beings and that we had each other and a lot of support and we would be okay. She must not worry about us.  We don't want her to go but we have no choice in the matter and we hate seeing her suffer like this. Edna is not in pain but the lack of breath is distressing to her as is her declining strength. We talked about not fighting the process. She is so afraid of not getting her breath that we laughed about that probably being the time she falls off her perch. We talked about her seeing Dad again and her beloved sisters and brothers. Mum has a strong faith so that is comforting to her. I said she must send a message back to me but to make it really obvious like a hit on the head because I will probably be so busy I mightn't notice! We laughed and then spent the rest of the day just talking and watching TV together. She hardly slept so I hope she sleeps soundly during the night. I had so many phone calls during the afternoon it was quite busy. It was very nice to have food arrive, which I shared with mum because she really only ate the icecream and half a mandarin. Not having to think about that was a relief.

Tracey(Mum's God-daughter and niece) and husband John rang and suggested they take me to dinner and then home so they could pick up my suitcase because I am going to stay with them. Their place is closer to the hospital. I just couldn't make any decisions beyond that yesterday because I was so tired. I will deal with Tim's car etc later. I will miss seeing Peter as often but I will be going to the hospital most of the time and we will catch up there. This is hard for all of us but particularly for him because his wife has also been diagnosed with stage 1 lung cancer. 

Tracey and John took me to their favourite Italian restaurant and I ate delicious pasta and drank lots of red wine and a couple of Limoncellos. It was very relaxing. Just what I needed. We returned to Edens Landing where I threw my clothes in the suitcase and gave it to them to take in exchange for a set of keys to the  their apartment and car. They are very generous to me. By now I have a hoarse voice from my cold and exhaustion. After they left I sat and watched TV for awhile and finally cut my nails. It is peaceful and then to bed where I slept all night. Luxury.

August 19 Edens Landing

It has been a hard week so far. Mum has needed a lot of help and her eating has diminished.  As she became more rested after returning from Tim's place at Southport her appetite has improved slightly. I have been trying to cook tasty meals and give her little titbits over the day. She had seemed brighter and we have been reminding her to breathe slower and through her nose. That has meant fewer panic attacks. The GP Dr Anthony Ting came on Wednesday but apart from checking her blood pressure and reducing her blood pressure tablets and setting the aged care assessment team in motion, there was little comfort for mum. She is afraid of not getting her breath and suffocating. He gave her some anti anxiety tablets for the night. 

Jill has been such a help and the company has been a relief. I can get out for a little bit to the shops etc for groceries. 

I have found getting into my swimsuit to shower mum works best. I can stand closer and not strain my back. We have got a good system going now. 

The anti- anxiety tablets made mum groggy and she slipped out of bed on the Thursday night. I couldn't get her up and needed Jill to help me. That was a reality check for me and I realised I needed to get up every time she went to the toilet.she has been using the walker but the effort is still so exhausting that it won't be long before she can't do this either. I am extra vigilant but it means getting up every couple of hours through the night. I am getting tired and seem to have come down with a cold now which is not helpful. Jill goes back on Saturday so I will be managing on my own again.

She has only got out of bed to go to the toilet except for two times this week after which she was exhausted. All activity is a huge effort and I fear she is developing a bed sore. I need to shut her every two hours to prevent that but I need help to do it properly. Even putting a cushion under her right buttock to shift the pressure is too hard. 

I will need to speak to the oncologist about more assistance. The nights are what I find most difficult because I get no rest during the day either.