Living life to the full as usual

I have had the most jam packed period. I have been engaged with the ALIA organisation accreditation panel again and it has meant I have missed the last four book clubs! Mum went in to hospital for a chest infection and has been discharged five days later but just before I go to Japan. Of course I feel guilty that I am not up there looking after her. I feel like I always let her down because I am not near. My brothers are watching over her but when she burst into tears talking to my elder brother Peter I felt doubly bad. She is alright just felt overwhelmed. She wants me to go to Japan and I don't think I can get insurance if I cancel anyway now. 

Two of my travel companions are also nursing injuries so I feel like it is not auspicious. Silly thought really. 

Added to that there have been a couple of weekends away visiting Rob at Reedy Flat I have driven all the way in one go now and feel very pleased with myself. I love the calm of the drive. I am keeping a too busy schedule again it seems.  Those quiet weekends are very restorative. 

I have been to two operas over the last fortnight. La Boheme and the Pearl Fishers. Umm! I am yet to fall in love with this type of music and I will persist. I think you need to see them several times and become really familiar with the music to appreciate them. I am more a blues girl!

Then this weekend past I went to Blairgowrie for Tim Sabo's 60 th birthday party( that is down the peninsular beach area, about an hour on the freeway). I had baked desserts for lunch and dinner as my contribution. It was low key but a gathering of old friends who just seem to spark off each other so that we laughed and laughed all day and night. 

I felt a shadow for the lack of Peter and our hostesses husband Russel. They always enjoyed these gatherings so much. Tim's wife kept saying he can now speak confidently that you still have sex at 60! They are a hoot. He was feeling such dread about this birthday that his wife has made it so special with several restaurant meals and trips to wineries and then this weekend so I think his dread was really overcome.

We all feel the years gathering pace and our mortality seems to be just around the corner. Very dramatic I know but George one of the husbands has had three heart attacks and a stoke just recently. Of course he  is very ill in reality. His brain hasn't been affected fortunately , his wit is razor sharp and humorous yet the cloud hangs low around him. Tim has a pacemaker and some heart issues that are controlled, Paul the remaining male has only a bit of high blood pressure and his wife has recently achieved the five year clear from  breast cancer.  I am extremely grateful for my good health. All these elements drive me subconsciously to squeeze everything in. 

After Blairgowrie I drove across to Ballarat ( opposite side of the state) on the Sunday with Janine  for a day and a bit together as we are going in separate directions for several weeks and won't catch up otherwise. 

I returned to Melbourne for a couple of appointments and minding Ziggy before flying to Japan tomorrow.  I have a few bills to pay as you do and need to tidy things while I am away. Life is so full. 

I am finding keeping the blog going rather difficult. I don't leave enough time for it, or my other creative pursuits. My choices yet I am frustrated with myself.  After Japan I will be more selective with my time. 

Out on the town

I am at Cranbourne, an outer suburb of Melbourne, at a hotel named The Settlement. I am here for an accreditation visit for Chisholm Institute of TAFE. The committee have just had dinner after our meeting and I can't believe they offered Bogan Parmiagiana! I had Sweet lip snapper which came on a cold bed of chickpeas and potatoes. A singularly uninspiring meal. The sticky date pudding that followed was okay. Even more hilarious was the closing of the kitchen at 8:00 pm! At 9:00 they basically threw us out. I know it wasn't busy but they have pokies here which I am sure are open longer than that. It is outer Melbourne but even Warrandyte used to stay open later. It is Monday night so I perhaps it is fair enough. A whole different world. But Bogan Parma is hilarious. The weather has turned cold and I fear I haven't brought warm enough clothes.

Tomorrow we meet the staff and look at what they offer for the Diploma in Library and Information Services. I enjoy using my expertise and the committee is an interesting group. It will be a long day because there is a dinner after the day and then I will drive home. Only one glassed wine or none tomorrow as it is a busy freeway to return home.  I am fortunate to be staying overnight because the traffic would be horrendous if I had to come from home in the morning.

Today at the gym I did extra special training for my legs to condition them for Japan. I pushed the sleigh, a metal contraption that you push from one end of the room to the other. It is very heavy and after three lengths my trainer jumped on and I had to push her as well. About 100 kgs. It was hard but I did it. I will be stiff tomorrow but now after thefts and  wine tonight I am tired.

Reflections in the past

I was showing my grandson Ziggy the dogs that we used to have. My beautiful bearded collie, Cassie, a gentle giant, then came Poochie, a stray of mixed origins ( probably a terrier cross) that wandered into our home and our hearts. He used to get into bed with Jonathan( Ziggy's Dad). The photos of Poochie in bed with him are funny. I had to explain that Jonathan was sure Pooch was really a little boy. That dog was so tolerant of the kids. Jonathan used to put a Tshirt on him! Then there was Minty, the Maltese terrier who was a white fluff ball full of assertive small dog personality and a great companion.

Looking over the family photos and showing Ziggy his dad as a young boy brought back so many tender memories. It has left me feeling a little sad. I just missed Peter all over again. We were so lucky to have had such a complete relationship. I miss being cherished and cherishing him. Despite the freedom we experienced in our relationship that gave us room to follow our own interests there was always an invisible connection that bound us to each other willingly and wholeheartedly. 

Exploring the world without him is so different. I am stronger and more confident for the experience but  

the chance of finding another person and building such a relationship seems so daunting and just like  hard work. Am I as willing to fit in with someone else to achieve that meeting of two hearts now? Have I become set in my ways? Life has become more complex than when I was 20!

Having an interaction with my artist friend is very pleasant, and his company is enjoyable. He is a really nice person but he doesn't believe in love. Or rather he professes to never ever having fallen in love and is wary of commitment. I feel he is lacking a dimension but he thinks people get together because of societal pressures and nothing deeper. It is a fundamental difference which I find difficult to comprehend. Having said that, he has got his swag out for me to sleep in next time I visit because I wanted to sleep out under the stars which are so bright at his place. He is very thoughtful and kind and  rings often, so if deeds mean anything,  he is developing feelings. A long distance relationship is challenging and will develop differently to a relationship where you see each other several times a week. It just highlights  what I am missing since Peter passed away. I even had a bit of a cry tonight. I feel better for the release of pent up emotions. Time will tell and I resolve to enjoy what is as is.

The joy and sorrow

A friend from the gym was telling me how an open coffin at a funeral had disturbed her so she couldn't sleep the following night. I was a little surprised at her response. I have had a few experiences and feel that it makes the passing of somebody more real,  especially for those who haven't seen the person during their illness.  The swift removal of the deceased and then never seeing them seems to me like magic. I suggested that seeing the body gives you a chance to say final good byes or just place the event into something comprehensible. When Peter died I made sure the boys saw him before he was taken by the undertakers and then we had a viewing later so they could leave personal messages with him and also Peter's brothers had a chance to say their goodbyes. It felt like the right thing to do and a way to let go somehow. The memory is then of someone at peace rather than in anguish. It seemed to give her a different perspective and ease her unsettled feelings.

On the joyful side my friend Sherryn is walking the Via de la Plata and her posts on Facebook are bringing back such fond memories. I am so hungry for each new post. She seems to be having a fine time and has found some amenable walking companions. It has given me itchy feet again. 

Jonathan and Clare have decided to have a black and white wedding. That is, all guests are to wear either black or white or a combination of both. It is going to be a very elegant affair it seems. I have been looking on line for dresses to get an idea of what I could wear. It is going to be fun shopping and agonising too I suspect.

I am losing track

It has been the busiest couple of weeks. I had a lovely couple of days up at Rob's place and have begun to learn how to cook on the AGA or wood stove. Met a few more of his artist friends when we went to dinner at the local pub. Food was fairly ordinary but the company was good and we had a really pleasant evening. It was quite an adventure getting home. Thanks to Rob's experience we avoided all the kangaroos leaping into the road, wombats scuttling and rabbits darting. The night was alive with all these animals. Later the stars were magical. It is one of the things I love most about being at his place. Next time I am going to sleep out in the swag so I can really enjoy the view. It is getting cold now so I will need to take my warmest sleeping bag!

After my return Mum and my brother Peter came down for a Deppeler( my Mum's maiden name) family reunion. 150 descendants of my great grandfather John Freidrich Deppeler and his sister gathered to celebrate our heritage. It was a fantastic day and Mum was so thrilled to see everyone and her old home, primary school and local church. It was lovely to have time with my brother too. 

We took Ziggy out of day care too so Mum could have some time with him. It was a very busy but enjoyable day. On the Saturday I went to the local farmers market with Peter and we bought lots of colourful and unusual vegetables and some Jonathan apples for Mum. She is always complaining the apples in Qld are tasteless. She wasn't disappointed by the apples which was a relief. I was worried she had exaggerated the deliciousness of apples from her home farm.

I have had visitors for dinner this week and thoroughly enjoyed cooking a new recipe of Peri Peri Pork. I was really well organised and had everything in order  and time to spare ( most unusual!). I did forget to turn off the soup which reduced to a lovely concentrated green sludge!. I had it for dinner the next night with pasta. Three greens( spinach, kale and silver beet) and a green salad. 

I am on schedule for another accreditation trip to Brisbne this time after I return from Japan.

I am doing a 16 km walk around  the Olinda circuit, which is hilly as a training walk for Japan.

How time flies

I am returning from Parkes NSW, home of the Dish. The satellite dish is the iconic tourist site in Parkes a town in central western NSW. I have been visiting the TAFE there as part of a course accreditation committee. I have only ever driven through before and this visit though brief, gave me a sense of the town. They have an amazing vibrant Public Library here and have made a huge impact on the culture of the region. The people we met are doing incredible work and just love living here. The woman who has built the course is so impressive and her team work so well. She has six kids and 7 grandchildren and  is the warmest, most generous person and teacher and is being exploited by the TAFE. We women allow this to happen all the time because we love what we do and would rather do it than fight for the correct valuing of our work. We are foolish. The course is not sustainable without her and the management would have to pay two people at least to do the work she does. It is scandalous. What successive governments have done to the TAFE system is trash it and the staff bear the brunt.

I am having to catch up a few busy weeks.

There have been lots of movies, mostly sad! The Daughter, an Australian film was excellent but harrowing. Brooklyn was good and more optimistic.

A novel way to treat an old VW!

The international flower and garden show was fun. I attended with Anthea Shem and had her husband Lawrie and his friend staying. The men went to the Grand Prix instead. Lots of dinners and breakfasts!

My dental work is progressing very slowly which is irritating. I have to keep clearing debris from my brace on the lower tooth. My tongue is always seeking the odd bits.

Last week I took Ziggy to Childcare to attend the  Creepy Critters show. We touched all sorts of insects, saw spiders, held a frog and were draped with a snake. I am usually terrified but I found it fascinating instead. Perhaps because it was in such a non threatening environment.  

Unfortunately Childcare is a germ factory and I came down with a bronchial thing and spent Easter feeling miserable!

Our trip to Japan is all paid for and we are now researching the benefits of a rail pass. It is very complicated and seems confusing. No doubt it will all become clear as we learn more. We have got the booking for the moss gardens which we had to apply for prior to arrival. We have to do some meditation before we are allowed into the gardens to put us in the correct frame of mind! We have been walking on most weekends in preparation for the Kumano Kodo part. Irene has researched every place we are staying. I am more laissez faire about it and feel like I have too much else happening now to bother. 

Went to the Nicci Sava launch of Road to Ruin about former Prime Minister Abbot and Peta Credlin his chief of staff. It was very interesting. I thought she might be critical of the Turnbull Government ( we all are!)yet she seemed to have a clearer perspective and was more patient than us.

The big drama is that Nick has broken with Rebecca. He is devastated because he felt he had met 'the one'.  He has come home of course and will stay till he goes to America on the 14 th April. It is kind of nice to have him home but the circumstances are not good. Time will tell if they get back together. I just keep out of it and try to soothe and be the sensible sounding board. I am sorry though because I really like her and she has been wonderful for Nick.

I had to go to Parkes, N.S.W.  for the ALIA accreditation visit to Western TAFE and it was nice to meet the group again. Bob had to leave early because his mother died suddenly. She was very old but you are never prepared. I returned this morning and flew home only to add some warm gear to the bag and then I was out the door again with a 15 minute turn around.

Now I am on the train to Bairnsdale to meet up with Rob. I decided not to drive because I would be arriving in the dark and I was nervous I would get lost, it is raining and I was up at 4:30 am this morning and would be so tired. This is way more relaxing even  though getting home from the airport and then going into town straightaway was a little fraught. My planning all worked perfectly thank goodness. It feels a little exotic, like being overseas, but the train is not as flash - no wireless or plug spots. It is country Victoria after all.

I have finally finished doing a financial analysis on last years spending. Umh! Didn't do so well; it seems I overspent so it is no wonder I have been struggling a bit to pay all the bills! I have been more careful this year so far but Japan is going to cost a packet. Instant noodles for the rest of the year! And a monthly budget.

Concerned about Mum

Mum has been travelling well despite the spread of her cancer to the liver. On the weekend she had a very sore and swollen ankle and I thought it might be a blood clot or burst blood vessel because she couldn't  recall hurting it. I was relieved to have her visit the doctor yesterday and find it was a burst vessel. Her attitude was, her veins are old and weak.  I suppose so but it is concerning. She visits the oncologist today and we will hear more of her progress. The good thing is that she is feeling well anyway. 

I saw the movie " The lady in the van" and found it rather sad, even though it is funny in parts. Alan Bennet who allowed her to stay in his driveway for 15 years, wrote the story and he seemed kind but so passive. The neighbours accepted her presence which I found really quite tolerant. I can imagine that so many other places might have called in the council to have her removed but they let her stay. She was a mysterious woman and it was confronting to see how people can fall so low when mentally unwell. It is confronting when we see any homeless people. I felt rather disturbed after seeing it. 

I have a busy week ahead with lunches, dinners and guests coming to stay. It is a bit overwhelming how busy I seem to have become again.

I finished my street scene watercolour and feel reasonably happy with the result. Always room for improvement of course but I am getting better slowly.

I am still pondering this relationship with the country boy. I like him a lot. I know he finds me attractive and desirable and generally good company, and he is starting to let down his barriers more.  I sometimes want more than I think he is prepared to give emotionally, so I am wondering if I should be patient or look elsewhere. I am such an impatient person in many ways. Just letting it evolve is hard when we are so far apart and only see each other irregularly.  

This uncertainty is such a part of new relationships until you finally make some sort of commitment I suppose.