Driving north with Nick and Bec

Instead of flying to Sydney for Christmas I decided to drive up with my son Nick and his girlfriend Rebecca. They planned to camp at Jervis Bay to explore the beautiful beaches there.

In the sunshine 

Lovely even in the rain.

Nick loves the sun and the beach but while the drive up from hot Melbourne was quite uneventful, setting up my hiking tents for our overnights was marred by a downturn in the weather. The camp ground had lots of tame kangaroos roaming around, some with joeys too.

My boudoir is the green. Not the Hilton for sure.

I heard bandicoots during the night as well.

It was a privilege to be with them and fun to to be the one to say, 'are we there yet?' for a change.  I listened to a lot of new music , some good some dubious but all interesting. Observing the rapport between the two lovers was a joy. They are well suited and Bec is gorgeous.

It was fun to be included and share some time with them. Jervis Bay villages were quaint. Kitchen closed at 8:00 pm so nearly missed getting dinner! Saw an old school fish and chip shop that was the coffee shop too with pretty cakes as well. That was different. Due to the rain which got worse and worse we decamped and headed for Sydney and Gary and Micky's place at Clovelly. The rain was so fierce that we could barely see in front of us. Nick did a great job and Bec is a good navigator. We were very relieved to finally arrive. Poor Micky had a major leak in the roof which was pouring through the ceiling. It was great to see her and the three children. Gary had returned to Brisbane but will come back on Christmas Eve. 

Early the next morning a plumber came to survey the damage and put a hole in the ceiling to let more water out to avoid it collapsing. I have been charged with making the brandy sauce and glazing the ham while Micky goes to work. 

Life on the move again

Mum and I have taken the cruise around New Zealand on the Holland America Noordam. It was fun and we met a few really nice people. The cruise was a bit confronting for me because everybody seemed so old.. Better look in the mirror Kath. I realised I am used to mixing with many younger people generally and the mean age was probably in the late 70s even though they were well travelled and pretty mobile generally. Crossing the Tasman was interesting with huge swells making walking a little difficult.

Welcome aboard champagne  for Edna

Delayed departure meant leaving in the dark which was a little disappointing because I was really looking forward to going through the heads.

Mum loved the shows and the piano bar or blues club. She loves music. Every night we would finish the night in either the piano bar or the blues club. We went ashore at most of the ports except for Akaroa because it was too windy and rough to get the tenders off the boat.  We played a lot of scrabble during the day and took in a trivia and bingo game. I went to the Cha Cha dance class and got selected to be in the fi al of the dancing with the stars at sea. I got the opportunity to dance with John a professional dancer from New York. Umm! That was nice. What a fit body he had. I didn't win but had a good time. My 5 minutes of fame and 12 hours of celebrity was great for my self esteem. Lots of the audience complimented me which was nice. All good fun and an incentive to take up dancing in 2016.

Cruising into Milford sound

Peter Jacksons larger than life models for the Gallipoli exhibition at the National Museum Wellington.

charming  Russell village in the Bay of Islands, ship in the background

 A pretty sloop in the Bay of Islands.

I have an email friend who has put a little pep in my step. It has been fun to develop and continues to evolve slowly. It has been a revelation to me to be so sparked by another's interest in me. I thought I was quite happy, and I am, but I guess I repressed my natural desires. I am not a dried up old maid after all it seems! If nothing comes of it I will have had a bit of fun and realised that a companion may be more attractive than I had given credit before.

I have packed a lot into the last two weeks between returning from the cruise and heading to Sydney for Christmas. I have had my new fold down bed and desk installed in the second bedroom. I am thrilled with it.

I was a bit anxious about paying for it but fortunately the dividends came in on time! I was a little anxious about all the bills and started to think about working again. I was strong and resisted that anxiety.
Lots of Christmas parties so I have been out nearly every night. A good life now with a little romance on the horizon perhaps.

Cousin's weekend

Cousin Jan came to visit. Her plans had been delayed by the prospect of selling her apartment t but in the end that fell through and so she came to Melbourne after all. I picked her up from the airport and we had. Quick catchup before I had to go out for dinner. I was taking a dessert which had a spectacular marshmallow frosting.

Jan helped me finish the cake and then I left her for the dinner at Angies's place. When I arrived I was two hours late! I had completely confused the times and they had been worried about me. I was mortified, thank goodness I was bringing the dessert and not starters! 

In the end we had a great time and ended up playing a trivia game combined with charades. Bec and George, Tim , Angie and I had a lot of laughs. Lorraine had only recently returned from a week at the Gaia spa in the Byron Hinterland and was tired so she left early.  

I have never quite mixed up times so badly before and I was very embarrassed about it. Fortunately they are old friends and forgave me readily. It was a fun night. George and Rebecca were looking a lot better than we had seen them for some time. George's heart condition is chronic with half the heart muscle damaged but his attitude seemed greatly improved. He finds it challenging finding things to keep him occupied as he can no longer work.

The next day I took Jan up to the Yarra valley to the wineries and lunch at the Healesville hotel. We visited Domain Chandon and enjoyed the tasting so much we signed up for the club! Jan did her usual questioning about food matching and wines and the young French man was up to the challenge and we had an enjoyable visit.  The lunch at the hotel was wonderful and also met her gourmand expectations. After a wander around town we moved along to Tarrawarra but we're not so impressed with their wines although she loved the setting. Home late with toasted sandwiches for tea much later!

Monday was a shopping day in David Jones and a Chinese lunch. All of which was highly successful. I bought two quality tops for half price( the half prices I can afford) and nearly forgot I had to pick up the car that had gone in for service! Next day was Ziggy and we all had fun with him in he pool and at his place before I took her to the airport.  Ziggy kept calling her my daughter which is a bit confronting. He didn't quite get the cousin relationship. 

 Tarrawarra estate

What happened to Monday?

I have lost my rhythm since I came back from Mum's place and it has been so busy that I have let the blog slide.  Is that good or bad I wonder? Good because I am active and engaged in a lot of activity or bad because I am not giving myself time for reflection or just plain quirt time.  I think the latter. I have been up to Ballarat an historic, provincial town about an hour and a half west of Melbourne. My friend Janine and I decided to use our free Metro train ticket that is given to Seniors in Victoria annually to go to Ballarat to see the Archibald portraits. It is a National art competition for the best portrait of a notable or interesting person. They are usually fantastic and the exhibition travels the country and in particular to provincial towns. It was so easy by train and therefore relaxing for me as I usually drive. Janine has not got a car since returning from living in Hing Kong. We enjoyed the sensation of being tourists and seeing the town from an outsiders perspective. Ballarat was the centre of the richest goldfields in the world during the 1850's gold rush. They still mine around the area but mainly small scale. The buildings are evidence of the wealth that flowed through the town because they are really grand.

After that we headed home to Melbourne to top off the day with drinks at the rooftop bar Siglo which overlooks Parliament House.
I later went off to a Camino meet up dinner and then it has been a rolling rush towards the cruise.
I have finished marking all my student's work, took the final exam and then deposited all at work to be entered into the new system.
Jane and I are every day more pleased to be free from Box Hill and its negative vibes. We had her final farewell dinner at last and Lynne and I bought her this fabulous collectible three d printed necklace.  She was thrilled with it. We went to the ingot jewellery gallery that I had visited with her when we all went to lunch at Naked in the sky tapas bar and restaurant.

Reflections on being restless

I don't think I am dwelling on Mum's diagnosis but it probably touches deep memories of Peter's illness and also the loss of not having that person close anymore.  
It is the uncertainty I think that underpins the restlessness. In reality I like to plan ahead, even if loosely and I am ready to be flexible,  but now I just have to let the future unfold as it will. Letting go of control is always tough, even if that control is really an illusion anyway.

This mood always makes me want to throw on the backpack and go walking. I suppose it is the physical and emotional calm that walking induces and the simplifying of your life for awhile. 

Why am I such a body of contradictions? People oriented, love new experiences yet  I long for quiet and peace too.

Well it is all part of my journey, my personal Camino I suppose, to find that balance. 

Writing does make me feel calmer. 

Restless and wriggly

I got back from Queensland on Monday night.  We are all disappointed about Mum having stage 3 Cancer but it is what it is and Mum is focusing on living as well as she can for as long as she can. Her view is that she has had a good life, had a wonderful husband and family and it is better than dying slowly with Alzheimer's! She told the doctor she is not afraid of dying but of pain. He assured her that would be managed.  We are determined to go on the New Zealand Cruise which is only 30 days away now. Mum sees the oncologist next Tuesday and hopefully we will have a better idea of what lies ahead then. 

That news has unsettled me and I feel very restless this week. Tuesday I minded Ziggy as usual and I collected him from Jonathan's work, then stopped at the park on the way to my place where we met a little fellow called Lachlan. The difference this side of town is the carers are nannies not grannies. We played for a couple of hours throwing balls and then playing on the play equipment with Lachy. We stopped in at home then out again to Bounce Inc a trampoline place. The session ending before ours was full of teenagers literally bouncing off the walls, doing backflips and jumping onto boxes or up walls or into pits of foam.. High energy indeed. I had paid for both of us and so for an hour we both bounced and jumped and threw ourselves into the foam pit. It is years since I used a trampoline and I was too nervous to bounce from one to the other or off the walls. I did eventually land on my backside and I really enjoyed throwing myself into the pit. That was great fun. I was the only 'mum' bouncing. Lots of dads of course. Anyway at the end a young girl who had been doing backflips told me how impressive I was and how she hoped she would be as fit as me when she is my age! I had to chuckle and feel chuffed. Both Ziggy and I were totally worn out.

It is so good that he is now coming to my place and it has opened up a whole new lot of experiences 

Work on Wednesday then I picked up my new glasses. They look great and feel so much lighter than the older ones. They make me feel happy. That night I went to a new opera based on the David Malouf novel ' Fly away Peter'. It was very different and the music was so discordant that I didn't enjoy it much. It was interesting though. 

Next day it was an appointment to see about dry eyes and later a workshop on body corporates. I was walking past the old ANZ bank and noticed what a lovely ceiling it had. I went in to look around. It was built in1863 and was the stock exchange once. It is a treat to have the time to explore the city and its lovely buildings. Then I bumped into Maggie from the gym when I was on my way to the station. We both laughed because we each thought we looked familiar! It is odd to see people out of context.

 I went via Peter Sheppard shoes and found these shoes in my size and reduced to cost! They were so comfy I decided to buy both the black and the taupe. It was an extravagance but my patent court shoes are not staying on my feet and are tripping me up. They were very expensive Italian shoes so a fabulous bargain, two for price of one.

I feel like I have been running all week. Running away perhaps. 

Friday I bumped into my neighbour and we decided to have drinks that turned into dinner. It was really good fun. We are always meeting in the car park or passing in the lifts. I really like them both and we get on very well. 

Saturday I just couldn't settle to any of the things I should. I managed to do the washing, cleaning and finally went to Chadstone, the largest shopping centre in Melbourne,  to get a waterproof sheet so Ziggy doesn't wet the bed. It seemed like bedlam and I can never find my way around because it is so big, I hated it and Aldi didn't have the tent for sale that I had seen in the advertising which had been another reason for going.  I did manage a few short stories from the book for book club. Small achievements.

I am missing the painting and generally feeling adrift. It is a lesson in being retired. Be still, find my centre. Get organised, focused.

Mum's diagnosis

How life can be filled with so much joy and so much heartache all at the same time is endlessly intriguing to me. That mingling of good and bad, happy and sad is I think what keeps us all going. The light and shade that provides substance, depth and ultimately meaning to our lives.

Over the last week I have had so much fun with Ziggy that it has given me such a sense of the depth of my love and attachment to this glorious little being. Experiencing his complete trust as he leaps into my arms in the pool, giggling with abandon when we tickle and wrestle, hearing his little stories as he plays imaginary games and having him sleep securely at my place for a change. He and the feelings he arouse fill me with wonder.

Ziggy and his dad playing  in my lounge.

Then there is the diagnosis that has come at last to Mum. She has lung cancer but what stage is not known. We will get that  information next week. The fact that it was not confirmed in her blood but potentially still contained in the lung is good I think, though that may be just a false hope. The second specialist was very caring and sensitive, explaining so much where the first doctor did not. The first specialist had told Mum and my brother when they asked why it was taking so long to get a diagnosis that " this is real life, not TV!" and walked out of the room. His attitude offended them both. Later in the week when he rang Mum to confirm the appointment with his colleague for a further bronchioscope Mum told him how offended she was and that she thought his flippant attitude was unacceptable. He was surprised but did apologise. Go Mum! His communication skills are very poor but he did have her best interests in mind by organising a more sensitive and safer further test. Anyway I have seen the ultrasound/ bronchioscope pictures  of the mass which is the size of a golf ball and we know now. It has been very tiring for Mum having these tests and the uncertainty has been on our minds for the last month.  I don't think we are scared of the illness so much  as the prospect of pain and the anguish of seeing Mum suffering. I realise I was thinking of how compromised Peter was when his lungs were breaking down and how hard it was to get a breath and projecting that onto Mum. 

I have come up to be with her for a week at least and then I will see what needs to happen next. She has been very philosophical about the news. She feels she has had a good life and has lovely children, grand children and a great grand child and feels fortunate to have had a wonderful husband. She has no regrets but would love to see Ziggy grow older.  We have both felt that it was a better way to go than the slow decline into Alzheimers that robs you of your personality and mind. Mum's youngest sister has spent nearly 15 years declining into this oblivion such that she no longer has the language to express herself and is a veritable shell of her former self. It is ghastly to watch. And that would be more soul destroying to see happen to Mum than this lung cancer. 

 Edna and the scrabble board

She is saying that she won't have any treatment that interferes with the quality of her life so this will be an interesting discussion with the doctor. She is a remarkable woman and is held fondly in the affections of many of my friends. She has quite a fan club really because she has always been such an inspiration to so many of my friends. She has always loved young people for the freshness and fun they bring to her life. Mum would have been a great teacher. She has always encouraged others and counselled wisely. Her belief that love is the only thing that really counts, love yourself, love others, love life has been her guiding light always.

Well she is not unwell yet a so we have had our first game of scrabble already. It was a hard fought game with lots of laughing and digs at each other. There will be a lot more of that.

My elder brother has been wonderful, the rock as his name implies, that has supported Mum while this has been going on.  His wife has poor health and is thin as a crisp but he is strong and sensible and very down to earth and has taken her and Mum to all the appointments.  He says he is pretty good at finding his way around hospitals now! 

I have had the strangest thoughts this morning. There are a lot of crows around Mum's place and waking to their incessant cawing is quite horrible. I thought while half asleep that a slingshot would be a good thing! Then I started to feel sorry for them. They are such intelligent birds that it must be awful for them to only be able to make such a boring raucous call. All the little birds have such pretty trills or the magpies have a glorious warble but the crow just makes noise.