Flat Rock , Ballina, NSW 3rd January

Nick delivered me to the airport on the 27th and I flew to Brisbane to visit with my mother and brothers. Mum and I stayed with my younger brother Tim and his partner Donna in their apartment at Southport. It has a magnificent view up the Broadwater to Stradbroke Island.

 The weather is wet though so we took in two movies, Russell Crowes the Water Diviner and Mr Turner. The first was most enjoyable and the second was an interesting biography of the painter but not so engaging. I am hoping the weather will clear for camping at Flat Rock.

Tim had business in Coolangatta so I went with him early so we could continue on to Flat Rock later. It was fun to explore a place I visited so much as a child and young woman. It has developed but not in the same way as Surfers Paradise. It seems a bit slower paced. The beach at Greenmount still has the gutter where I saved Tim from drowning when he was about nine. The day was perfect and yet the beaches weren't crowded.

Irene and Bill had arrived in the 29 th and set up their tent and annexe as well as the ground sheet for my small 'pup' tent. It was good to see them and we put up my tent and later went off to Ballina to get another tarp for extra shelter over my tent. Just as well because we had some large downpours which could have made us very

miserable.

This is a beach, beer and books holiday. Very low key and relaxing. Irene and Bill are very tired because they have been busy with work and their renovation at home. Christmas on top just adds to the fun and the work.

We have booked at the Ballina RSl for New Years Eve Comedy night again and it proves to be an excellent show and even better night with a very convivial group on the table. The comedians were quite topical though the F word was frequent.  I sent lots of New Year's Eve messages but the phone is going flat and I don't get a lot until the next day when I have it recharged.

Bill and I both have boogy boards now and have had great fun catching waves. The water is crisp and clear and the waves seems so invigorating. Compared to Croatia which was beautiful, clear but smooth the experience is more challenging physically. I feel the effort of battling to get out to catch a wave and the exuberant pleasure when you catch one and get a long ride in. I laugh like a child. I feel so alive.

We are spending a lot of time reading which in itself is such a gift when usually I read only in snatches of time. I love being able to be so emersed in a story. I am trying to finish the Game of Thrones series. It is very absorbing but I also find it rather depressing too.  The world seems to reflect so much of its stories. Art imitating life and life imitating art. A vicious cycle of viscous behaviours.

This morning we had a huge downpour that sent buckets of water off the tarpaulins and flooded across our floor but we were all dry and Bill averted a catastrophe by catching a sagging pole in time. 

Ron and Jan arrived and are esconsced in their new camper trailer. It is incredibly well set up and roomy. It is good to have them here as well. Collin and Peter are next door and opposite  are Murray and Belinda. They used to be great mates but they have had a falling out and are not talking. Very sad but we keep out of it and nothing has been said to us about why.

Thursday January 8th Flat Rock

The weather has been spasmodic with some very wet days interspersed with beautiful sunny days. We have managed to get a walk to Lennox Head in finally yesterday after Minday's abortive and very wet attempt. It was great to really get some serious walking in at last and Jan and I walked back as well after we had all breakfasted in Lennox. Irene, Bill and Ron caught a taxi back. Jan and I each went off for a swim soon after returning. The water is so beautiful. Cool and refreshing. Later Irene, Bill and I went surfing and bumped into Ron in the surf too. He had had a two hour sleep after the walk!  We caught lots of waves with our boogy boards and finally got Irene to try it. She usually stands in the water because she is a bit intimidated by the surf so this was a great triumph. I love surfing with the boards. It makes me feel like a kid again and I am often laughing as I ride a wave. It is exhilarating.

We have been off visiting the little towns around here with the Byron Bay Market a must as well. I bought a meditation "perch" which helps relieve the pressure on your knees when kneeling.

Lunch at the Bangolow Hotel is a ritual which was somewhat disappointing this year.  The food was not as delicious as usual and service quite ordinary. We waited so long for dessert that when we hit the shops again they were near closing. Irene saw some lovely art work that she was tempted by but when she brought Bill back the shop was closed. Saved her hundreds of dollars as they both liked it! I bought some new shoes in a neutral tone that were reduced 20% but not as much as I would have liked. They fitted very well which is getting more and more an issue so I purchased them anyway.  Bill had stayed at the pub to watch the cricket. Bangolow is one of my favourite towns near here because it is so charming.

On Wednesday night we went to the Lennox Head hotel for a celebratory dinner for Ron's Birthday (7th January) and in a way Jan and  I ( 15 th and 14 th January). The food was excellent though the dining area was rather noisy to begin. The table beside us had two very noisy children we were glad to see leave. Ron, Bill, Irene and I shared  a dozen natural oysters and half a dozen Japanese crumbed oysters. Delicious.  I ordered the Snapper and king prawn pie which appeared huge but was not quite as large in reality. The whole plate had a covering of light as air puff pastry. A table across the way with two guys comented it was as big as my head! We had a good laugh. A jug of Sangria washed it all down. I finished with an Affogsto that had Frangelica on the side. With three scoops of ice cream it was larger than I really needed but of course I ate it all. We started the party with Champagne before leaving and I had already had a G&T so we were all in a good mood. It was a lovely conclusion to a great day and still home by 10:00 pm.

Jan and Ron

Irene and Bill in foreground.

I will need to get back to my 2/5 regime pretty soon before I burst out of my clothes. We have been doing a lot of reading and not our usual daily walking because Bill and I are resting our plantar fasciitis. Although we have surfed most days  and that is physical I doubt it is burning the calories. We are on holiday so I don't worry too much but...

Jonathan texted to ask me to continue my two days a week babysitting and I have agreed but I felt a bit conflicted. I have enjoyed the freedom from constant obligations in 2014 and had planned painting classes and language classes for 2015  as well as my one day of work and now I have to rearrange or take night classes to fit it in. I took a long walk and a swim on my own to work through my feelings about this. I want to help them get ahead and this will ease the cost of child care plus the bond with Ziggy grows ever stronger so there are lots of bonuses. Freedom is tantalising however and two full 12 hour days with Ziggy is tiring. I will need to be organised rather than drifting along as I have been. I don't want to end up on a merry-go-round of every moment packed again. I am done with that and I have been enjoying keeping so fit with four days a week at the gym. I can't see how I will keep that level up now. I will just have to work out on the weekends as well.

Boxing Day 26th December

I expected to sleep in today but woke at my usual 6:30 am.  I was so tired coming home last night I nearly fell asleep at the traffic lights on the corner of Toorak and Tooronga roads. 5 mins from home thank goodness. We had a fun day with Ziggy providing most of the entertainment with his cute ways and happy little chatter. He adores Uncle Chico(Nick) and Lindo( Rebecca Nick's partner) and played games and sat with her. She is so loving and patient with him. He was playing hide and seek and was priceless with his hands over his eyes and counting numbers erratically. We ate in Roger's backyard and he had decorated one of his trees as a Christmas tree so all the presents were under the tree. Ziggy handed them out to everyone. He has this very purposeful stance with his little arms bent and fists clenched so he runs with his arms pumping. It is very endearing. He received lots of presents and was very keen to play with his tennis racquet. He had everyone involved throwing the ball so he could hit. He managed a few. He has pretty good eye hand coordination. He had bubbles too which are always fun. Christmas is more joyous with children around. Robert came laden with gifts from he and Wanda  who remained home with her mother. Mrs Leckie is not doing so well these days which is hard for them.

We had a lovely easy day and then when everyone left Roger and I watched an episode of Game of Thrones, took a walk,  and got ready for more visitors. I am going to miss Roger when he moves to Sydney for his new job. Rogers friends came and the evening was delightful as they are lovely people and I was joined by Juliette, Roger's Korean friend and Chris's Mother Jenny down from NSW. Other couples were hosting parents as well and I was struck by how considerate and caring they were when they talked of their 'in-laws'.  It seemed they were more generous than many heterosexual couples.

More delicious food was consumed of course and wine and present swapping. They gave lovely thoughtful and some fun presents. It was an evening full of friendship and love. Roger will miss these friends very much when he moves. 

The Christmas season is starting to find new rhythms and traditions. We can't cling to the old ways but must adjust and be glad for what we can share together.

Christmas spirit

This week has been full of Christmas parties with several nights out. As well I have had dentist visits and shopping. The apartment is pretty messy with wrapping materials across the dining table. I am actually sick of the mess! I set up my LED stars as a tree on the window and I am placing presents at the base. It looks a bit festive and finally started some Christmas cooking with Christmas carols in the background. That is an old tradition I haven't visited for a long time. 

My restless heart seemed to settle once I got into the cooking and a sense of accomplishment washed over me as I wrote many Christmas cards though I realise now I may have missed a few people. It has been a bit haphazard over the last few years with work consuming most of my energies. 

Yesterday my god-daughter had a delayed birthday celebration for her 21st. She and her mum cooked up a storm with Amy ambitiously cooking seafood paella and delicious salads while Jill made two desserts and a chocolate birthday cake. Amy did a great job with the Paella. She has just finished her BA in psychology and hopes to go onto her honours year at Melbourne University and is also turning into a great cook too like her mum Jill whose desserts were scrumptious.

It was a lovely family occasion with my other cousin Pam and her daughter Kristin and her delightful, lively little girls, Steve (Jiills husband and Amy's dad) his sister and her partner and two adult children Jordan and Kassie as well as Rhys ( Amy's brother) and his pretty girlfriend Emma. 

Rhys is training to be a weight lifter and has developed huge muscles since I last saw him. He is entering a competition next year. I could have used his strength last night when I nearly tipped a jar of tomato sauce over myself in the struggle to get the lid off the jar. Some sauce went flying into the sink thank goodness  when the lid finally budged!

Kristin fell asleep on the couch amidst all the noise while the girls were playing with Jill's lone chicken. What a placid little animal allowing itself to be carted around by the girls. Full time parenting is only meant for the young and they still get tired!

I wonder about these women who start families in their late forties. How do they cope with lively children? Love conquers all I guess.

Today another party with Peter's ' cousins.  I am on a roll into Christmas now.

Christmas musings

I have been feeling a bit melancholy this week. After Sunday's lunch I have been acutely aware of my singleness. I am missing Peter and the intimacy of sharing life's incidentals. Is this still grieving or moving onto a new stage of acceptance and readiness to allow someone else into my life?

Janine thinks I haven't had enough quiet time in my life since Peter died.. Unlike her I had work and Nick living with me for awhile plus I am always so busy that she worried I didn't have enough alone time to grieve. I always believed I had time enough but now I wonder. It has been a roller coaster five years since Peter died. Do you ever stop missing someone you loved so deeply? Do you ever stop shedding tears ?  I know I am not in pain like I was. I can enjoy my lifife on so many levels but lately I have been envious I suppose of those who still have their husbands. I miss Peter. 

In helping Lee Lin explore RSVP and EHarmony dating sites I inadvertently registered on EHarmony and I have been getting these matches sent to me. I freaked out at first but then I got curious and read a few profiles. I haven't paid for access so I don't get pictures, just a brief description. I haven't communicated with anyone yet. It isn't the right time before Christmas with all the functions and socialising. I talked about it with a few girlfriends and they are all encouraging. It is scary. The idea of being with someone after all this time of being with one man and then on my own.  Still you see lots of people who have re-partnered so I shouldn't think it is weird. If you feel your husband was the love of your life, where does that leave the next person? Still that doesn't necessarily preclude having a friend I suppose.. Time will tell.

Saturday 13 December

A week of appointments. Tuesday with Ziggy in tow we collected Uncle Roger from the Freemason's hospital where he had had surgery on his nose and palate to improve his Sleep apnea. We took him shopping and then back to his place in Nth Fitzroy. Theoretically I was supposed to be looking after him but he was feeling good and so ended up making lunch for us. Probably due to morphine patch! Ziggy enjoyed being somewhere different and visiting uncle Roggie! I didn't want to leave Roger till he'd flushed his nose as relquired in case he dislodged too many scab/ clots and haemorrhaged.

That task over I took a sleepy little boy home for his afternoon nap a bit later than usual. 

Ziggy with raspberry on thumb

blowing bubbles in the garden

Next day I had an effective day writing the lectures then a Pilates clas for the first time. It was challenging and wonderful for stretching the body's muscles. I really felt the benefit and will keep it up next year as it is part of the gym.

Thursday a visit to the podiatrist to check on my foot and feel it is improving steadily. Not sore in mornings at least. 

Next stop the optometrist to check eyes. It has been two years and I feel the glasses aren't quite so effective now and my eyes water a lot when I am reading. Good news they haven't deteriorated too much but there is a small change required. Then I had a test to check for glaucoma which involves a puff of air in your eyes now instead of drops. Weird. A check for macular degeneration which was all clear. Phew. Lastly I was tested for retinal changes both the direct nerve and peripheral area. The last showed some sort of shadow which she wants me to follow up. The new machines are more sensitive and the are picking up changes earlier. It is a little concerning but not desperate. Losing your eyesight would be devastating. I reflect on how I have been enjoying the beauty of the jacaranda trees that are in glorious bloom right now around the suburbs. There frothy deep mauve flowers are so startling against the green foliage of other trees. It would be so sad not to be able to see them.

On to dinner with friends at Janine's place. Just a simple catch up but such fun and wonderful conversations. I don't get such wide ranging and thoughtful discussions very often so it is another delight in my week. Home late at midnight.

Friday morning and I decide a swim is desirable after my late night and a delayed start to the morning when Lyn rang for a catch up. We walked the Camino Frances in 2012 together and our long friendship  since primary school was strengthened even more. She lives in Sydney so we don't physically get together very often and I miss her very much. I de died to update the iPad which hasn't been done all the time I have been away and is desperate for a backup. Well that and the phone took me all day practically and now indeed to adjust to the changes.  Why do these things always take longer than you think? I wish I was much more computer savvy too. Sometimes I am not sure what I should be doing. Anyway all completed no lost information and now I need to back up the computer! It never ends. 

Tonight I am meeting Jane D and Helen L for dinner and the show 'I will eat you last ' a conversation with the agent to the stars Sue Mengas played by Miriam Margoyles. She was riveting. Such an accomplished actress she had the audience spellbound.  It was a real treat.

Saturday minding Ziggy again and Sunday lunch at Helen's Estate at Coldstream with the Wild Women of Warrandyte and partners. It was delightful and great to see everyone. Spent some more time with Lorraine afterwards and met her new dog Syd. He is a sleek black cavalier cross Labrador and just gorgeous. Makes me want a dog any yet I feel I am still not home enough. I am getting selfish. We had a dog most of our married life and it would be such good company.

Too old for hangovers

 This was a week full of activity. It started with my last art class for the year where I manged a passable still life and finally got to know one of the other would be artists. We finally got to talking a bit more personally and discovered we were both librarians! We had always felt some empathy towards each other but there was never time to really develop a friendship. I hope Louisa comes back next year as I have booked in for two classes now. Can't wait and will practice over the holiday break.

Next was Ziggy and I having a swim before playing with Abbey at the park. I wasn't sure how he felt about getting his face wet but he loves jumping in and so I will attempt to teach him to swim this summer. There are three Grannies' who attend Mini Maestros who are called the groovy grannies by the teacher! We have started to have coffee together afterwards and then go to the park. It is just as frantic as when we had our own children but we didn't do baby chinos then! In fact we rarely did the cafe scene at all. No money for that and we just all went to the park with a picnic.  We are all subject to cultural change. 

 Ziggy, Abby and Stella mauling Christmas tree.

The rest of the time I spent organising the travel for the wedding in Thailand next year and seeming to spend a lot of money. I still feel a bit anxious at times about my finances. I haven't quite got used to not having a steady income being paid by an employer rather than living off my super.

On Friday I had my first Christmas party. The apartment complex I live in has a'village community group' and we have a party every year as well as other functions during the year. It is a good way to meet new people because despite the number of residents you really don't see many around casually.  

It was a fun party and I met several new people, some are keen walkers  as well. One new friend invited a group of us back to her apartment after the dancing finished when the band packed up. That was great and I even had a dance WITH A MAN for a change! That was novel. We retired to Shelley's place and carried on with the party. She had a vynal collection and we listened to an eclectic mix of music and talked on. By the time it was midnight I knew I had to go home. We had been partying since 6:30. I was feeling a little unsteady on my feet. I haven't mixed my drinks like that for some time or felt that drunk and I was supposed to be babysitting the next day. Not a good mixture!

I crashed but my friend LeeLin was stuck in the lift with the wrong house keys and had to return to Shelley's to retrieve her own in order to get to her floor. The hazards of apartment life. 

At about 6:30 am the fire alarm went off and we were told to evacuate! I sat bolt upright in bed trying to grasp the meaning of this instruction. Still bleary eyed I grabbed my purse, a dressing gown and house keys then bounced off the walls all the way down from the 6 th floor. It was a false alarm due to fumes from the bakery in Coles downstairs and the storm that had passed over early that morning. Needless to say I heard no storm.  While I was contemplating going to the supermarket or the cafés for breakfast in my pjs Jonathan rang to say the early babysitting was not required after all but to come later. Off the hook I retreated to bed again once we were allowed to return. I had wondered whether I was actually safe to drive.   Hangovers are no fun. I couldn't even tolerate vegemite on toast. I ended up having a nutrablast veggie drink.  I have to admit I was not sparking with my usual enthusiasm and it was a pretty quiet day with Ziggy, followed by night babysitting as well while the parents enjoyed a free night at the movies. I am too old for those capers.

Sunday was very quiet until Grace and LeeLin wanted a catchup at the cafe downstairs. Sundays they have live music and we had suggested meeting there Friday night before the party evolved. It was a pleasant afternoon and a chance to get to know Grace better. We got talking about meeting men. LeeLin has been a little depressed and lonely the last few months and we have broached the subject of finding a new companion. She is widowed too but not for as long as me while Grace is divorced and much younger. We are all very nervous about exploring new relationships. 

When we left I invited LeeLin to share dinner with me and we decided to look at some of the dating websites. Another couple who live here had met this way and the wife had suggested Leelin do the same but LeeLin is too nervous and we both talked about whether we were ready to take the plunge or not.  As it turned out I half registered while we explored the sites and now I am getting 'nudges' to  give more info! I feel really awkward and unsure about further involvement so I will let it sit until I feel more ready.