August 17 Edens landing.

I returned on Sunday from my jaunt to Melbourne. It was such a lovely break. Busy as usual. I had a dentist appointment and that was quick but required a further consultation which was for the next stage of the implant process. I have made another appointment just before the wedding. I hope I don't have a swollen face!

Next came a massage from Jan who was shocked at the state of my shoulder muscles. I knew I was tense but hadn't realised how physically bad I was. I felt very groggy after her treatment though physically looser. Next came the hairdresser and I made arrangements for a hair and face treatment on the day of the wedding. I am growing it a little on top so it looks a little different. Then it was dinner with Janine at the London. 

 Friday was a rush of house cleaning, mail sorting and bill paying. I finally dropped three bags of clothes at the op shop and felt good about that. Then it was packing for my return again.  Rob had come down to see me also which was a treat and we went to a movie and dinner. He didn't like the movie much but that gave us cause to discuss our different points of view. He stayed over and left the next morning. I also had an early start because it was the hens day for Clare and I needed to be across at North Melbourne by 10 am. We both took a train, me to avoid parking issues and he because he had come by train in the first place. 

It was a very merry band of girls who boarded the bus to Polperro winery at Red Hill. The restaurant was charming and food delicious and ample. What I thought was going to be three choices from a set menu turned out to be platters of all three from which we could select. Entre, main and dessert! It was a clever way to deal with a table of 16 and it was very generous so we were so very full. Everything was delicious.

A wine tasting was included which was interesting but we were very noisy as you can imagine. After the obligatory photos we headed off to the Seamstress bar back in Melbourne. That was a little frustrating as there was only one bar attendant and so he was slow with the drinks. The place missed an opportunity there! Next we moved on to Karioke. That was a new experience for me. Small rooms full of groups singing there hearts out and dancing. Great fun.by 11pm I was done and took the train home as I was flying back to Brisbane in the morning. A whirlwind visit. 

bride to be and best friend

Regina ( Clare's mum in blue) Priscilla  Clare's Cousin and me, mother of the groom.

August 6

Watching the Olympic opening and Mum not overly impressed. She is really really tired today. The whole week just took it out of her. She is also a little irritable which is not her usual self. Mum is so annoyed at her failing strength. I feel alarmed at her decline this week. 

I haven't heard from my elder brother either and feel anxious about his wife. I have rung but no response yet. I am laughing as Mum says about the Olympic flame, light the damn thing. At last! 

Her comments that it was a long time  to get the games going, a long-winded affair!

I am back walking in the mornings because I was feeling so tired and sluggish. Mum is getting very tired and sleeping more and more.

August 3

The day's slip by easily as we gradually find a rhythm together. Last Sunday we had a multitude of visitors which proved exhausting to Mum despite her pleasure in seeing them all. Firstly cousin Tracey and husband John dropped in for a quick visit which was great for me too as they shared a little book of photos from their Camino Frances.  Soon they were followed by nephew Scott, his Mother Patti and girlfriend Heidi. Tracey and John departed and the others stayed for lunch and in the hope of seeing Jonathan and Clare and Ziggy. They were up for a wedding at Noosa but were coming to see Mum too. Unfortunately they were not leaving Noosa till later than expected so the others left around 4pm. By now Mum was looking really tired and I suggested a rest until Jonathan and Clare arrived. 

Eventually we had dinner and they turned up about 8 pm.  Ziggy was so chirpy it really lifted mum's spirits. Lots more talking and then we were all tired and went to bed. Mum shared my room that night and didn't sleep so well in the single bed. I was conscious of her breathing and didn't sleep too well either. We were both overexcited as well.

Next morning they spent with Mum before leaving about 10:30 to catch their flight. The painting ladies had arrived in time to meet the " golden child Ziggy" and so Mum was happy but thoroughly exhausted. I sent her off to bed where she slept soundly for an hour or so. When she woke she had recovered somewhat but it was a lesson to me that even visitors are exhausting and need to be tempered.

Tuesday we went to the oncologist. The taxi came as ordered and was driven by a young Pakistani student who was charming and an entertaining conversationalist. He is working to get his points for permanent residence and loves life in Australia. His English was good and barely accented which he attributed to talking to so many seniors while driving the taxi.

At the hospital I found a wheel chair and proceeded to the X-rays department befor retracing our route and heading to Dr Belinski, the oncologist in the specialist wing. Using the wheelchair was such a help for mum. The doctor noted the tumour had not grown much and that mum's oxygen levels were 98% and therefore she didn't warrant supplementary oxygen. It didn't explain her breathlessness very well except that her body is just wearing out at 92 and with cancer. The doctor mentioned that any chest infections now would likely kill her and even with antibiotics she was likely to fail. She also asked what Mum wanted to do about the end of life stage, to stay home or go into palliative care? I said I was here for as long as needed and that we wanted to keep mum home as long as we could manage her needs. The doctor was very forthright and said we only had about two or three months and that Mum would just get more and more breathless. 

We were accepting of this as it isn't new and after returning home we played a couple of games of scrabble and just got on with life. Mum is much reassured to have constant company and I feel content to be here. I updated my brothers and we all recognised that despite our calm we are all going to be devastated when the time comes. My elder brother Peter has further worry with his wife also extremely unwell. Ann has been in and out of hospital  over the last six weeks eventually having a feeding tube inserted into her stomach to try to supplement her meals and build her up from her extreme underweight. The doctors have suspicion that she may have something sinister in her lungs too so she is back in hospital to investigate that. She has been a heavy smoker and drinker for years so we would not be surprised if she also has lung cancer but it is a heavy burden for my brother.

I miss my friends and my life at home  in Melbourne but I am glad to be here. 

One of the funny things is working through Mum's pantry and fridge. It is a standing joke that she could live out of both for a months if there was a food crisis. Mum always says in her defense she is a farmer's daughter and a well stocked pantry is usual as well as the fact she is not able to just pop out for groceries. She does go shopping once a week however! While looking for some meat for dinner in the freezer I found a plastic container of dark purple 'something'! I defrosted it to discover it was mulberries from mum's tree in the old house! They have been there for seven years but I cooked them up and we had them with ice cream as dessert and they were fine. The next night Peter came for dinner and I 'liberated' a pack of beef for stir fry and followed that with the rest of the mulberries supplemented with apple as a mulberry and apple crumble. The beef was not so good as it had been frost burnt I think even though it was only six months old! Super aged beef. Mulberry and apple crumble delicious. There are dints in the fridge and pantry beginning to appear.  I have to be subtle though so as not to offend Mum.

July 28

Today marks a week that I have been here with Mum. The talking has eased since we have caught up. Her appetite is improving now that I am cooking and she is eating more. We went shopping today for a top to wear to the wedding and included some grocery shopping as well. I took the wrong turnoff and we went past the shopping centre so that I had to find our way back and on our return to Edens Landing I took the incorrect road again and had a lovely time exploring the suburb Tanah Mera before we got back onto the right road. It was all too much. Although I had Mum sitting down as often as possible while shopping, we didn't have more than a coffee and donut until we got home. I made a protein drink and biscuits with cheese as well as a cup of tea but she was really tired and soon was sleeping quite soundly in the chair.  We had dinner around seven and she ate well but was soon sleeping again.  I had bought some underwear for the dress I am wearing to the wedding and bought a couple of extra bras at discount prices. Going broke buying bargains and using vouchers! I think I bought more than I really needed because it was such a relief to get out and about. I am finding it very tiring being the carer. 

The tiredness is probably to do with slowing down too. I usually live at a fairly fast pace, so like on holidays, you feel tired when you stop. I have all this energy that just isn't being used up even though I am trying to go for a daily run. It isn't long enough or fast enough yet. I never was a great runner, rather a good fast walker and I am trying to increase my running every day. Intense then regular, then intense again. 

We will start clearing the wardrobe tomorrow. That is something I can do with a bung hand. We are expecting visitors again on the weekend which will be a nice change.  Cousin Jan came Wednesday and I cooked an Asian lunch which was tasty. I was gratified that the gourmet cleaned her plate! Jan bought a few pairs of shoes to get our advice on what would be best to take on her coming trip to England and France. She stayed until about 4:30pm and with all the discussions and shoe vetting for her trip to Europe we were a both a bit weary. It is always enjoyable having visitors though I have begun to recognise a need for a bit of solitude in myself.  This is a development from my walks and living on my own I think. A good development. 

Edens Landing July 26

I have been here with Mum for a week. When I visited last she was very weak and I felt she would not last the month. I returned to Melbourne and sorted my affairs as much as possible and returned to Mum within a week. Since I arrived and started to do all the cooking and housework she has been getting more rest. The oncologist prescribed steroids and they have made a difference too. She is coughing less and eating more. That combined with company and plenty of champagne( medicinal of course) and her spirits have lifted considerably. It was hard to see her so discouraged. We have done a lot of talking( exhausting actually and a reminder I can be this bad too!), reminiscing and laughing and we are all feeling a lot better. 

I had an accident with a carving knife yesterday and cut myself badly so that I am now sporting 5 stitches in my left hand. It was deep but no nerve damage or tendon damage  was sustained thank goodness. It has meant we are both having a slow day. 

Yesterday was Mum's painting workshop day and the 'girls' came from 10-3pm. These women have been learning from Mum for twenty years and it is now just a painting group of friends.  They all paint in her (garage) studio. It is a happy group and fortunately Julie an ex nurse, took me to the doctor because I didn't want to bleed over my brother's BMW. He would not have been impressed. 

July 15 coming to grips with Mum's situation.

The trip to Brisbane for ALIA was very interesting and we all felt this course was presented well. It was very intense though being confined all day in a small apartment which acts as an office. The office manager was a little dog Billie who wore a striped bow tie for the occasion. Very different. The social dinner following the assessment was very convivial, one of the best we have attended.  The next day when I was leaving our apartment hotel I discovered my swipe would not allow me to leave. I even left the car and tried to swipe in manually first but apparently you need to do that in a car! I had entered the carpark prior to registering so I had a parking ticket. The reception had said I would be fine but I suspected that would be wrong. I should have left and returned with the swipe. In my effort to back out of the exit I bumped into a pole and scratched the back bumper. I was pretty upset because it is my brother's car. Anyway I finally got the reception staff to swipe me  and my companions out. What a relief! When I got to Mum's place I took some Jiff cleaner and scrubbed off the black marks on the bumper and joy, there is only a very tiny, tiny chip in the duco.

The rest of my time I spent with Mum and I am seriously concerned. She is very fatigued, has lost about a stone in weight and has very little appetite. It seems that the cancer has begun to impact on her activity level. I feel so helpless not knowing what is going on so I have decided to organise things in Melbourne and return to Mum for the next few weeks. She needs support and I want to be there for her. Jonathan and Clare will need to find another sitter for Ziggy on Wednesdays, hopefully Clare's sister Chipiwa will be able to help. I will miss him so much because he is developing so quickly now and is so much fun. I have disentangled myself from courses and arrangements that I have had planned to free me up to return to Brisbane.

My next big issue was the wedding. The invitation said formal and that we needed to wear black, white or black and white! As the mother of the groom I wanted to be really smart and edgy and not safely boring or old frumpy Mum. Those two fashionistas will look so fabulous. My lace blouse needed dressy pants and I felt that it wouldn't be formal enough. I set off to Carla Zampatti boutique for pants and decided to try a couple of dresses. OMG! The Cream/white Gigi dress looked fabulous and felt so right. I didn't hesitate. This is the dress! It is so simple but with a twist and even though it isn't floor length it looks so dressy I am over the moon. Even with my black tights which were not the best look. It is long enough but I could wear it to cocktail parties and get a lot more wear than a full length gown.

 Trouble is I bought the pants as well. An expensive day though entirely satisfactory. I don't usually spend this much money on clothes but you can see why they are expensive when they fit perfectly. It is a great relief to have the main event sorted. 

Now to pack for Qld.

July 2

I gave my talk at the Camino group and after fluffing about with the media finally got the slide show owing. It seemed to go well. I talked about the three pilgrimages, Spain and Japan. Caught up with Rob when we took in the Degas exhibition  together at the NGV. He had been having a few days in Melbourne just catching up with galleries and his breath. Even though he loves his country life he misses not getting away more regularly. He needs the stimulation and I need the isolation of the country.. Funny match up! The rest of the week was focused on preparing for the trip to Brisbane for ALIA and Mum and a visit to the Zoo with Ziggy. It was so cold we were both happy to head home at lunch time. 

I had a lovely visit with Kim and David at Mt Martha who are minding a B&B that they have stayed at twice before. The owners needed someone to mind the chooks and the cat! I loved the chickens and picked one up for a cuddle. Their feathers were so soft and smooth. We visited the Briars one of the first  homesteads on the peninsula which had some connections with Napolean of all people. What a gorgeous place.

The weather had been the coldest for nine years; Freezing and finally some good snow in the mountains. Maybe I will go skiing this winter. It has been several years since I donned skis or snow board. Could be fun. In the meantime I am heading to Brisbane for a week for work and to visit Mum.

 Voting today so that was a conundrum? I am not convinced by any of the parties but I have done my best and hope we don't get a hung parliament again. I went with Nick and we got a chance to talk. He is still heartbroken and rather low about his broken relationship and life in general of course. 

I can only encourage him and remind him there are no quick fixes.