The Grampians

I have come to the Grampians, a mountain range South-west of Melbourne that was named after the Scottish mountains of the same name because it was so cold when the explorer Major Thomas Mitchell happened across them in 1836.  They stand over the surrounding plains, rugged and wild with waterfalls and majestic peaks. The stone is mainly sandstone so prone to crumbling away.  I am staying in a friends house beneath the Pinnacle a major landmark and excellent viewing spot when you walk up to it. This is my old bushwalking group and we are here to bushwalk and catch up. It has been a couple of years since we actually camped and walked together.  The arrival of grand-children and retirement has led us all in different directions over the last few years. 

Being in this sleepy town of Halls Gap is very peaceful. This morning I woke to cockatoos on the verandah. It reminds me of my old home in Warrandyte where the birds were prolific.

I slept soundly in my much loved sleeping bag( bringing sheets seemed a hassle) and listening to the house creak and ping from the expansion and retraction of the tin roof is a novelty after the quiet of the apartments. It seems alive. The weather is a little dubious, low cloud and drizzle adding to the musical sounds of the house but will be good for walking probably.

It will be good to be in nature as I have been a bit destabilised lately feeling anxious for no significant reason that I can think of. Being back teaching, procrastinating over doing a new budget, too much to do and not quite enough down time, being sick, and minding Ziggy extra days. All totally insignificant in the scheme of things but none the less niggling at me.   Jonathan said I was doing too much and I was supposed to be slowing down now I am retired.  I think he is probably correct. I am compulsive about being busy.  Walking the Camino gets me to slow down and simplify but it is such a battle to maintain the simplicity with all the threads in my life.

Back teaching and feeling the frustrations with the institute again

Last week was getting back in the swing of teaching again and bumping up against the old system that drove me mad before. I marvel at the difference I feel both psychologically and physically this year when I think about or engage in work. I still get exasperated by the snails pace of bureaucracy and the different departments not coordinating properly but I can live with it now. It doesn't make me crazy or stress me. Work has sent out two contracts for me to sign and I have to sign and initial the conditions of work as well as commit to doing the BHI induction program online. It is quite silly but I just go with the flow.It is a great relief to know I can walk anytime.. I am enjoying the research for the topic but I do think selling coffee machines might be easier. I was offered a casual job late last year as a coffe machine sales representative. It could be fun. 

 The fact that I am toying with this probably indicates I still feel like working or rather I fear leaving the workforce completely. I want to get some more savings together so I can feel more comfortable about planning more travel. Saving and spending really don't work together somehow.

All the talk about superannuation and having a million to live comfortably is unsettling. I might live for a very long time and so my super has to last most of my life. Working more means I can add to the kitty rather than take. I realise that I am still not as competent with my finances as I should be too and that disappoints me. So many things to learn. I have been putting off doing a proper budget and that is plain stupid. I have been refraining from spending and felt better for doing so. I feel more in control which is good. Why does it all have to be so complicated?

Last week was a doozy with book club, babysitting Tuesday followed by the sons coming to work at my place and then after teaching in the morning and challenging Pilates session another stint of babysitting till midnight on Wednesday. Art class Thursday followed by a trip to Box Hill to discuss course matters, gym, lecture preparation Fridayfollowed by a movie with friends. 

There was a bit of confusion over the weekend brunch plan. My son Jonathan was telling me I need to slow down and communicate more. Hmm! Probably correct.

My brother-in-law Riger who has relocated to Sydney was down for the weekend and wanted to catch up with everyone so I settled on a brunch at my place. It works well generally with Ziggy and then everyone still has the better part of the afternoon free. I had asked everyone to keep Sunday clear but because I hadn't followed up until this week the sons had organised a shoot for their Tshirt Label in a restaurant for a 12:30 start. Clare is working 6 days a week and woke with a headache, Rebecca had slept in because we had moved brunch an hour earlier so the boys could get to the shoot.

My other brother-in-law and his wife were coming and then their world turned upside down with a robbery at his work and the ongoing extra care his mother in law requires now after a hip operation and a small stroke. It is very hard for the daughters to see their mum deteriorate and they are doing a massive job alternating caring for her.  Anyway I started with 9 people and ended with 4 and Ziggy. 

I like trying new breakfast dishes. This time I did a sweet potato, spinach and leek bake with coconut milk plus pancakes with real maple syrup and strawberries.  It was delicious but while I remembered the no dairy for Roger I forgot he is also on the FODMAP diet and leeks are a no-no. I had done chicken congee as well, mainly for Ziggy but everyone wanted that too. 

I had brought out the boys old toy box and Ziggy and the 'boys' all had a great time playing with them. I even liberated the soft toys from the cage and he was thrilled to find a Goofy amongst them. It was a nice morning and everyone was able to continue with their Sunday plans.  I decided to bake for the hiking weekend  coming up and so spent the rest of the day cooking.  I had made too much quinoa for a recipe when I needed only a little bit so I wanted to use the rest somehow.  I made a sort of bread/pancake which I had for breakfast and have decided it is really tasty and filling. I had a smaller portion too which sustained me far more than muesli! It is a revelation. I had a vaguely unsettled feeling for the rest of the evening. I need to babysit  Monday as well this coming week because the other Grandmother has hurt her back.  Just as well I had done most of the lecture for Wednesday. 

I finished reading my journal from the first Camino. How our memories forget the tough bits.  I was glad to refresh my memories because I had forgotten how anxious Lyn got about accommodation towards the end. There was quite a lot of people vying for beds but we only had to walk on once and we found a magic place so it was a good outcome. Even reading my journal doesn't explain why walking a Camino leaves you feeling so happy. People ask you what you take from the experience and that is the abiding feeling-happiness and a sense of inner peace and the goodness  or godliness (?) of people. It is profound.

Got my energy back after 10 days of Bronchitis.

Being sick is such a bore and when you are on your own it makes you feel very vulnerable. I felt quite down in the dumps because I had no energy or ability to do any of the things I usually do. It is a good reminder to be grateful for good health.  Anyway two funerals didn't help my mood and by the end of the week I was very sorry for myself. I got started on preparing my lectures for the next semester, a task that doesn't make you feel very happy but needed to be done and I expected that to lift my vague anxiety. 

I am such a procrastinator and then I lost a week due to illness. I never learn. A little bit of pressure makes me more efficient in my experience. Sigh! My personality is such a burden sometimes. As soon as I think I am on top of the task I feel weird because it is unusual. I am addicted to adrenalin I suppose. 

I joined a group of people who have been on a Camino or are intending to go on one. It was such a happy night and it was so pleasant talking about our experiences knowing people really understood. It makes me want to get out there again. 

I have finished the first stage of my holiday photos which is rather exciting. Barcelona and Seville book 1. Book 2 is the actual Camino and that is going to take many pages. My ambition to include my blog or abbreviated blog is looking daunting.  My photos also seem to be in a shocking mess too.  I am a bad librarian because they are all very badly organised and I am not sure why or how that happened.

Computers are a challenge sometimes especially with digital photos. Anyway I am working on them and hopefully it will all sort out in the end.

Back to the gym tomorrow will probably hurt because I have done nothing for nearly a fortnight.  It is cold and miserable again. Well it is winter. I ca't wait till I finish Dry July. I haven't missed the alcohol all that much surprisingly but I haven't been entirely pure. Two glasses of wine for the month and a whisky. I have broken the glass every night habit and I am sure that is why I got sick! That is my story and I am sticking with it.  The cold weather makes me feel like something more full bodied than water but also interesting is how delicious water tastes especially after being sick. 

A sad farewell

Yesterday I attended the farewell for a son of a friend. It was very sad. He was an unusual person who found it difficult to fit into mainstream life. Dying so young and so unexpectedly challenges us all. His mother is so brave and the reality hasn't settled upon her yet. I remember that sense of other world, like a bad dream. The pain comes violently when reality cannot be denied any longer. When the busyness stops the hurting starts in earnest.  To lose a child is unimaginable.

A few friends went to dinner together afterwards. It was helpful talking about the feelings we experienced instead of brooding by ourselves trying to come to terms with his death. I have talked about tilting worlds and death does that. It puts us off balance for awhile. 

I came home and felt very grateful for the good health of my family and friends.

Sick

I have been struggling with a tight chest this week and the weather has been freezing too.  In the end I went to the doctor because it felt like last year in Spain. A cough and difficulty trying to get a breath. 

I tried not to take antibiotics but as soon as I started the chest began to ease. I am on soup because I feel too tired to cook anything else. 

With three people passing from this earth over the last week I felt like being a bit more attentive to my health!

The rest of the time I have done some painting and reading but really too tireddormuch else. I actually slept in the couch today!  Haven't done that for along time so I guess the body is telling me to stop!

My neighbour has just had her first tattoo at 61. Her grand children had their grandfathers signature tattooed on to their bodies and she decided she would too. It has been five years since he passed away and so they took her to their tattooist. They offered to hold her hand but she said she would be brave.

 It was a real bonding exercise for the three of them. 

One incident and life changes forever

This weekend when I was about to go to Cirque Africa I received bad news about a friend's son passing away. He is not much older than my own sons. It rocks your world. We have such a tentative hold on life when it comes down to it.  He had some sort of illness but not what anyone expected to be life-threatening.  He was a sensitive, artistic person. It is too tragic. It makes you fearful that at any moment the the world as you know it is going to collapse, or sink into oblivion.  You want to cling to your loved ones and not let them out of your site just in case but you know that there is no safety anywhere and you just have to proceed as usual. I know that all sounds terribly dramatic but it is at the base of our shock.

It was six years on Saturday since my husband died and while the pain is no longer with me, the loss of him from my life is always a reminder.  You do pick yourself up and you do move on in life but it is never as it was.

Life still has joy for me in the cheeky smile of my Ziggy, the love from my sons and my family and friends.  Watching Ziggy wiggle his big toes reminded me that it was a thing Peter did and it made me smile. We wouldn't appreciate life fully if it had no clouds.

The circus was a welcome relief and respite from our gloomy thoughts. The littlest acrobat reminded me of Ziggy when he gets a little older.

 The music was so joyful and the performers were great.  What amazing bodies.

Back in the swing

It didn't take long to get back to life in Melbourne. Monday night I attended Book Club. It was a great discussion about The Coral Battle Ground by Judith Wright. It was a tedious read about a serious topic,  the recounting of the first attempts by conservationists to stave off development and mining on the  Great Barrier reef.  Here we are 30 years later trying to save the reef again from big business and sloppy governments.  We all admitted that we are however more talk than action (silent protestors).  It seems to me that we older women need to become the activists these days. You can't help but be inspired by these people who really commit to making a change. They are courageous. We are puffed up hot air. I signed the petitions and donated but haven't taken to the streets or written letters to members of parliament. 

I had Ziggy on Tuesday as usual and we had a great time at the park. I think he was rather over stimulated as he didn't actually go off to sleep for ages and was chatting and pretending to play with someone. I only went up once to settle him and then I just left him. He was happy but quiet didn't happen till nearly get up time! He had been so pleased to see me back again. It is so touching when they miss you. He had a lot of fun pretending to cook a BBQ with mandarin segments. He even commented about the 'oil' spitting!

Wednesday I got stuck into the accreditation work again and fixing up my accounts etc. it always takes ages to  do these administrative chores. Back at the gym too. I had a late breakfast with LeeLin as well.  Then before I realised it was time to leave for the VALA seminar at the Dock, library at Dicklands. What a great space! Met everyone and was most amused to see a tall banker type in dark suit and short hair riding his skateboard up the street after work. I wished I had the presence of mind to take a photo. It was such an interesting juxtaposition of suit and skateboard. 

I had rather cavalierly committed to ' Dry July' at the gym. No wine for a month, what was I thinking? So I had no wine at the seminar and none when I returned home. I really felt like a wine too. I guess that is the point, break the needy habit.  I have been able to resist quite easily so far but like to drink my water or cordial in a wine glass. It seems more of an occasion. 

I was really tired on Friday because Jonathan and Nick had come for dinner Thursday night and I had made a  special meal in a bowl, soup and polenta chips. Well they weren't chips but more like shards! They still tasted delicious. I enjoyed cooking something different for a change. Cooking new things is interesting and rewarding when the recipients are so appreciative.  The boys worked till midnight and I don't feel I can go to bed when they are still here. I do the mum thing and ply them with food and drink to sustain them. We talk a bit but it is just a really comfortable family feeling sort of night.  I miss Peter sometimes on these nights. He would be so proud of the boys. 

I decided to try and get some urban walking shoes. My  current ones are very shabby and not very waterproof.  Every place I went was out of my size. They aren't even all that chic, just very sensible but still no sizes. Ugh! I wanted them for Saturday when the weather was predicted to be very wet and cold and we( Irene, Janine and I) were booked in for a Miss Fishers's Murder Mysteries walk. The character for this series is Phryne Fisher, heiress and lady detective. The series is set in Melbourne in the 1920s. It is a lot of fun and the clothes and sets are very authentic. This walk includes an afternoon tea, and cocktail at the end at the Gin Palace as well as visiting the film sites within the CBD..

Afternoon tea on the set of ' the police commissioners study', actually the formal room at Tasma House and Irene at the Gin Palace.

The guide Kathy was very interesting and added lots of information about the buildings and showed the film sites from the series on her IPad at each place. The Gin Palace was a very trendy, dark comfy seated bar that obviously specialises in gin. They have 120 different gins and our cocktail was made with Melbourne made gin and Melbourne made vermouth. It was delicious.  A home grown gin would be a good gift for taking overseas. Needless to say I broke my dry July promise for the cocktail as I had booked it well before and I admit I was weak.

I went back to Irene's place for a quick dinner and then home to make muffins and breakfast treats for the family who were coming for brunch on Sunday. A lovely finish to a full week.